Melodramatic Fool

Happy Mother's Day to all those on my flist who are or who fill the role ♥ Took Mom out to the Cheesecake Factory at lunch to celebrate, also sent her someecards from us and from the cats (because I am weird that way).

Too much food, though, ugh. Huge meal there today, following a huge meal last night (at a really nice steak/seafood place down on Omaha's riverfront) when the husband and I did dinner out for an anniversary-a-day-late thing. To be honest, I really do eat too much usually--but even for me, ugh, so damned much food. Very much feel like I need to be comatose. -__-

I swear, though, was fine today until about 2pm, then my mood went to crap for no reason. So stupidly grumpy now. Doesn't help that a certain website is being broken again (no, shockingly I'm not referring to this one).

Planted two catnip plants between the front walk and the house yesterday. Hoping we can keep them alive and that they'll grow and spread nicely, fill in that sparse area. Seemed a good plant to do, especially considering we and every freaking friend we have owns cats.

Grump, grump, grump.

Another episode of How I Suck At Everything. This time, tabletop gaming edition. Can't wait for the next episode, online computer game edition (part eleventy-billion), coming tonight. Yeah, I know, just downhormonemo, but still. Just would like to do things and, preferably, be good at them, or at least just be able to do them and have fun without having to always having it pointed out that I'm fucking up. (And it bothers me when I try to talk about it with someone, and I don't get empathy or sympathy, just get blown off. Thanks.) Sometimes I think, is this the way things really are supposed to be--40 more years of just kind of being a screw-up? I just, seriously, what's the point. It's too bad I have no interest in children, my own or adopted, so I could at least feel like I accomplished something.

Funeral for my uncle is on Tuesday, at practically the exact same time my dentist appointment should have been. So first thing Monday I have to call my dentist and re-reschedule (funny thing how I just rescheduled last week because their office-closed days changed).

Been a fuckin cranky old woman the past couple days. Just...annoyed by stupid crap, and feeling like I am totally missing something by the way I simply don't care about certain things that others fan so hard they're all but in hysterics. I dunno, I guess, I just don't go hysterical about celebrities, and I still just am missing *something* about the one that like the whole fandom is nuts over--and I don't gush over celebrity couples, so when people freaking go insane about them, I just am like "...um, okay?" I dunno. I guess I'm just too old, too cynical and jaded, or something. And I'm a fucking picky bitch, too--saw a fic posted to some comm last night that if I didn't have a brain-to-typing filter, so *so* wanted to comment "Ohmygod, are you 12 or something?" So hi, I am a horrible person and full of unpopular opinions and bad thoughts.

Low mood, not feeling well, not getting done what I promised someone I'd do. And opened my virtual mouth and hit someone with major TMI and am regretting such. Way to push boundaries in the name of being sympathetic, self. I'm great at making people uncomfortable.

New warlock in guild (person from our old guild rejoining us) is, as I expected, kicking my ass hard in DPS. Not only is this person very good, but it just shows how bad of a player I am. I'm mistake prone, I forget things, I'm not efficient about spell rotations/cooldowns, my reflexes are crappy. I can keep trying to learn, but honestly that's what I've been doing for 6 years of gaming. I'm just at heart a lousy player, and it's kind of embarassing to have it so spotlighted again. Also, observing subtle sexism in game makes my stomach knot. Or maybe the individuals in question are just being assholes and it wouldn't matter who to--but I have this feeling, especially considering the past issue, that it's more than that.

Went to finally spend my Amz giftcard from my brother for my birthday last summer (I know...), and...I swear, I used to spend so damned much on music. But I could find barely anything I wanted. All my favorites, I mean, they're still good, but almost all of them are doing stuff that's no longer my musical tastes. Kind of sucks. At least picked up two new things from Ben Cooper: a new EP for his Radical Face work, and his latest Electric Presidents CD. At least, he's got 3 new projects in the works for 2011, so that'll give me something to listen to eventually. Also got the other Ian Astbury/Unkle song, and the newest Assemblage 23 for when I'm in an electronic mood. Just weird to still have a balance with Amz (not counting the iTunes gc from the husband I still have). I swear, I used to devour music, what the hell's wrong with me. Need to try to find new groups/artists to try, I guess. (Thought I was going to try more Mogwai, but I dunno, the samples just weren't hooking me like their newest did.)

*

http://lazy-daze.livejournal.com/681380.html
I See Lightning, J2, NC17, ~3,100, breathplay
Leaving myself this to reread, seriously got under my skin. Not just because of the kink or the fact that it's so well-written--but how incredibly well she gets inside Jared's head and enables the reader to share that headspace, before, during and after. And the incredible feel of trust, caring and love that is shown between the two is as much the reason it was so powerful and intense as the kink and sex.

*

Wonder if this is 'coming down with something' or just allergy flare up. And wonder if the husband would mind pizza or something.

Mood is in the absolute crapper of late. One of the times pms is especially godawful, I suppose. But if I am extra withdrawn the last few days, that's why. Not doing well at dealing with people, even in-game. Anger issues are definitely a problem this time around, seriously blowing up at stupidly minor frustrations and people being idiots that I should shrug off. I'm always the one that looks bad for it, and it's embarassing; yet, I just can't seem to keep it under control.

Anyway. Ak hit 85 on Saturday, the husband's toon the next day. Starting the usual end-game routine of daily quests, rep grinding, dungeons and heroic dungeons. My annoyance with how they've set up the jewelcrafting profession compared to the other professions knows no bounds. But seriously, if the one guy in guild keeps pushing me around about my plans on how to get designs for the guild, especially since he's *helping out* and I'm the one that should be telling *him* how to proceed, I'm going to lose my shit again.

So behind on Christmas things. And I started out so well, too.

Edit: Also think I'm going to be dropping out of the j2everafter thing. I feel bad, since i claimed a signup someone else could have had. But at this point, I don't think there's any way I'm capable of finishing it (I haven't even done more than that tentative start from November), and am in a really bad mental place about my writing abilities.

( things )

Non-whiny thing--shoooooow toniiiiight. God, how to last through these last few hours. So very, very impatient.

( mininano-wrisomifu )

Was woken up a little bit ago by the doorbell (yeah I know, I'm a slacker, I suck)--flowers from my in-laws, as a belated birthday gift. I guess maybe the husband's birthday coming up on the 31st reminded them they'd missed mine back in August? To be honest, I didn't even notice they missed it...currently thinking "didn't they send a card/check or something?"--but I guess they must not have or they think they hadn't?

Had to have a tech out yesterday evening because our internet, cable tv, and even our phone were acting weird. Turns out that one, there was a broken component where the main cable company line meets the line run to the house. But also--the line to the house had been chewed into by squirrels exposing and damaging the inner wire. Squirrels. I just...what.

http://thedailywh.at/post/1407966723/daft-punk-music-video-of-the-day-derezzed

http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2042#comic
I dunno, I think the 'how to ruin forever' options for all three should be boxes where no one says anything at all.

For so little happening, life feels very strange at times. Also, holy hell, why is waking up so hard. And fuck allergies, seriously.

It's funny that the thing I was looking forward to doing most for spnland was writing, and ironically, what's the thing I haven't been able to do almost at all since it started? Yeah. Started out okay, but ever since.... Nearly nothing. Wouldn't even call it being blocked or locked up, because that implies there's something there to block or lock up. There's just really nothing in my head, writing-wise. And I'm gonna just laugh at myself for the whole "I wanna be a poet" thing, because yeah. To write as a career, you have to be able to, you know.... There's just no words, not for fan stuff, not for original projects.

Naturally, I actually had one idea for this one challenge due tomorrow (love letter from one character to another), and I was like yay and worked on it, and then realized the rules state it's got to be major, named characters and what I had won't work, not a bit. Sooo yeah. Awesomes. Least there's games there, because that's the only stuff I seem to be able to accomplish. That and voting on things.

I guess I could understand if I were just having trouble with character-focused things, because I'm a pretty lousy fan that just isn't as into secondary characters all that much, and some I'm outright *blah* on. I mean, yeah, I like Bobby and some others, but really if it isn't Sam or Dean (or okay, maybe the Impala), I just don't get too motivated. But there's been plenty of general writing challenges that don't demand certain characters, in which I could have written with Sam and Dean. Yet still no inspiration or success at motivating myself.

Then lately when I see everyone talking about their big bang projects, I get the little thought in my head of "Next year I'll try that!". Hey, self? Yeah. This is me pointing and laughing at you. LoooooooooOOOOOOOoooooooool. Pull the other one, it's got bells on. Dumbass.


At least I can accomplish things in WoW (Nin to 72, Sampala to 17), that's worth something right? Right? Yeah, didn't think so. :|

I sort of noticed yesterday, but have really, really, really noticed today, that I am extremely, horribly, excruciatingly irritable and cranky. And petty and petulant. :< I understand being tired and drained but good freaking grief, this is ridiculous. I've been snarky at folks online here, short with the husband, and extremely snippy with Mom. Even annoyed with the cats.

And now I'm finding I'm the sort of lousy person that can't just accept that people at a community are having fun with a topic that I'm not interested in, but instead am feeling whiny that they're not choosing a topic I do happen to be interested in. I mean, ffs, self, get over yourself and grow up. Let them have their fun and excitement and enthusiasm. Just because it is often emphasized that they're interested in this subset of fandom you're just not that into, it doesn't mean you're being left out or excluded.

Afsdfjghasdf arghlblargh. I hate me.

L.H. Puttgrass signing off and heading for the tub. (No, not really. Old Bloom County quote. I miss Bloom County.)


[Oh right, and to mention something that isn't me being a whiny little bint, here's a Supernatural video that is absofucking amazing. Seriously. Ab-so-fuh-king a-ma-zing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_fyhjDvsy4
Supernatural (go.back.to.sleep.) by TikiTyler9. Damned good shit. And I so freaking love that song. Thanks to fabilimah for reccing the video.]

http://www.buildingaworld.com/store/product.php?productid=16908&cat=283&page=1
Wish I could get that. Would be really something cool to put on the wall I face when I sleep, so I could see it when I wake up. I really dig Sam Brown's work.

Yesterday, I discovered it's fabulously easy to make hot roast beef sandwiches at home; wondered why I'd never tried before. Today made a from scratch mushroom/pea/asparagus/gouda cheese soup, and it was pretty awesome.

Sort of craving a roadtrip so much it's driving me a bit nuts, and it's kind of getting to me that for various reasons it's not at all possible, even once the weather gets better. I want to so danged much.

http://www.omaha.com/article/20100220/NEWS01/702209847 <-- This sort of says it all. *sigh/headwall* So tired of this winter.

As seen at today's crack_impala:
http://runedgirl.livejournal.com/45289.html
Some Wishes Are Worth Waiting For by runedgirl, Sam/Dean, NC17, 6400 words. Sam and Dean, a hunt, then Christmas Eve night with the family they helped. Sweet and utterly charming and adorable, lovely secondary characters, and just the most heartwarming sort of Sam/Dean, my absolutely favorite sort. And hot, too, very yum. But most of all, just so warmfuzzy and full of 'things will be okay' and love that I just want to hug it. Perfect holiday story.

(Just so moody this week, otherwise. Tired and PMSey and down about stupid game stuff of all things, and full of crankiness at my holiday procrastination. Need to get my ass in gear tomorrow. Extra annoyed that the computer I handed down to Mom had its power supply go bad, so of all things now our Christmas present to her is a new power supply for it, which seems sort of blah. :/ I feel bad the computer tower went bad like that, it's not that old, had no idea it would. Anyway. Eh. /sigh Criminy, the 13th already...

I will say that the community <lj user="wow_ladies" is amazing. Have lurked there for years, commented occasionally, but never posted. Finally did a rant there about one of the new dungeons--love Forge of Souls, Pit of Saron, and Halls of Reflection, but the heroic version of HoR is BALLS--and had like 45 comments to sort through this morning. The amount of commiserating, sympathy and advice was incredible \o/)