whitereflection: (sam my negative space)
Today I am especially understanding why cat 3 of 3 (Tink) spends so much time hiding under the folded blankets on the couch. I need blankets of my own, like all the time, to keep me away from people, to keep people away from me. And I need a sort of internet-blanket, too, because I need that buffer just as much online as offline. This tag should be more like "non-existent" rather than just "rusty", I think.

But really, can I even use the term people skills at all, in quotes or otherwise, if dealing with any people just absolutely freaks me the fuck out--whether those people are strangers, acquaintances, friends, BFFs, guildmates, online friends, significant other, extended family, or blood relations?

It's funny, I like having connections with people--I really *need* such, and sometimes I get lonely like you wouldn't believe. But then I screw it up and/or am just horrible to others, or the slightest pressure or conflict leaves me feeling like I'm just sort of cracking apart, and jesus, I need to be under the blanket like some lump-of-cat, curled up in the dark, just me, peering out to see what's going on but hidden away from it all. For real or symbolically, or both. Or maybe do like when I was a kid, when it was no big deal to hide out and play inside a closet or under a desk. Maybe a blanket fort. Any of those would do pretty well, too.

"Can't hear you. I'm inside my protective blanket of fear." (http://www.pvponline.com/2000/09/06/wed-sep-06/ )

meh

Feb. 27th, 2011 07:08 pm
whitereflection: (sam doesn't make a difference)
Another episode of How I Suck At Everything. This time, tabletop gaming edition. Can't wait for the next episode, online computer game edition (part eleventy-billion), coming tonight. Yeah, I know, just downhormonemo, but still. Just would like to do things and, preferably, be good at them, or at least just be able to do them and have fun without having to always having it pointed out that I'm fucking up. (And it bothers me when I try to talk about it with someone, and I don't get empathy or sympathy, just get blown off. Thanks.) Sometimes I think, is this the way things really are supposed to be--40 more years of just kind of being a screw-up? I just, seriously, what's the point. It's too bad I have no interest in children, my own or adopted, so I could at least feel like I accomplished something.

Funeral for my uncle is on Tuesday, at practically the exact same time my dentist appointment should have been. So first thing Monday I have to call my dentist and re-reschedule (funny thing how I just rescheduled last week because their office-closed days changed).

Been a fuckin cranky old woman the past couple days. Just...annoyed by stupid crap, and feeling like I am totally missing something by the way I simply don't care about certain things that others fan so hard they're all but in hysterics. I dunno, I guess, I just don't go hysterical about celebrities, and I still just am missing *something* about the one that like the whole fandom is nuts over--and I don't gush over celebrity couples, so when people freaking go insane about them, I just am like "...um, okay?" I dunno. I guess I'm just too old, too cynical and jaded, or something. And I'm a fucking picky bitch, too--saw a fic posted to some comm last night that if I didn't have a brain-to-typing filter, so *so* wanted to comment "Ohmygod, are you 12 or something?" So hi, I am a horrible person and full of unpopular opinions and bad thoughts.

emü

Feb. 7th, 2011 10:08 pm
whitereflection: (sam blood sugar sex magik)
Fri: mood actually up
Sat/Sun until 6:30ish: mood decent
Sun 6:30-730: mood crash (insert sound of airplane crashing/exploding here)

No reason. Just happened, hard and fast. Is like that sometimes. Practically like a switch being flipped. And seems to have taken every bit of physical and mental energy with. Swear my 'personal space bubble' increased to like a 20ft radius, didn't even log into WoW last night, and tonight about begged to sit out of raid. Such a withdrawn, mopey bastard--self, you are awesome. Perhaps is hormonal. Pretty Much Sucks. :p

Anyway. Blah blah blah. Took Mom to Trader Joes this aft, though, so I'm not totally a useless lump \o/

ugh

Jan. 27th, 2011 04:43 pm
whitereflection: (sam um...yeah :|)
Low mood, not feeling well, not getting done what I promised someone I'd do. And opened my virtual mouth and hit someone with major TMI and am regretting such. Way to push boundaries in the name of being sympathetic, self. I'm great at making people uncomfortable.

New warlock in guild (person from our old guild rejoining us) is, as I expected, kicking my ass hard in DPS. Not only is this person very good, but it just shows how bad of a player I am. I'm mistake prone, I forget things, I'm not efficient about spell rotations/cooldowns, my reflexes are crappy. I can keep trying to learn, but honestly that's what I've been doing for 6 years of gaming. I'm just at heart a lousy player, and it's kind of embarassing to have it so spotlighted again. Also, observing subtle sexism in game makes my stomach knot. Or maybe the individuals in question are just being assholes and it wouldn't matter who to--but I have this feeling, especially considering the past issue, that it's more than that.

Went to finally spend my Amz giftcard from my brother for my birthday last summer (I know...), and...I swear, I used to spend so damned much on music. But I could find barely anything I wanted. All my favorites, I mean, they're still good, but almost all of them are doing stuff that's no longer my musical tastes. Kind of sucks. At least picked up two new things from Ben Cooper: a new EP for his Radical Face work, and his latest Electric Presidents CD. At least, he's got 3 new projects in the works for 2011, so that'll give me something to listen to eventually. Also got the other Ian Astbury/Unkle song, and the newest Assemblage 23 for when I'm in an electronic mood. Just weird to still have a balance with Amz (not counting the iTunes gc from the husband I still have). I swear, I used to devour music, what the hell's wrong with me. Need to try to find new groups/artists to try, I guess. (Thought I was going to try more Mogwai, but I dunno, the samples just weren't hooking me like their newest did.)

*

http://lazy-daze.livejournal.com/681380.html
I See Lightning, J2, NC17, ~3,100, breathplay
Leaving myself this to reread, seriously got under my skin. Not just because of the kink or the fact that it's so well-written--but how incredibly well she gets inside Jared's head and enables the reader to share that headspace, before, during and after. And the incredible feel of trust, caring and love that is shown between the two is as much the reason it was so powerful and intense as the kink and sex.

*

Wonder if this is 'coming down with something' or just allergy flare up. And wonder if the husband would mind pizza or something.
whitereflection: (sam wounded by your rage)
Just a bout of whining (pretty much just WoW related). Feel free to ignore. Once again emphasizing why on my fanmix about myself, Basket Case would be song number one.

in which the tags say it all )

Wanted to come up with a list of New Year's resolutions, but I think at most I'm going to only focus on 1)use the damned WiiFit thing I bought last summer, and 2)write, especially original poetry. Though I've really dropped the ball on my hc- and au-bingo cards, as well as the j2everafter challenge.
whitereflection: (sam um...yeah :|)
The tub drain plug/lever thing's being replaced, about 150$ as I expected. Less expected was the discovery that the pipe leading away from the bathtub drain has become frighteningly corroded this past year, and absolutely requires replacing of said segment, for another 500$. D:, *facepalm*, arghlwarghl, etc., and so on.

After last week's hormone-induced anxiety and then massive anger, I've meandered through a more typical low mood and then back to holy crap anxiety. :x Hence a panicky bout of Doing Things of a RL and holiday nature. At least that means the bills and present-wrapping are caught up on (only bits left are the last couple things yet to arrive). Have started planning my must-do list of things for January, including insurance and house-related issues. I guess this is the sort of thing I am good for now, but it means contacting people, which yeah, not my best skill.

foolish WoW fretting )

Jojo, I swear that beta will happen tomorrow, I mean it this time. :( It'll be my first thing on the list this time, I promise.
whitereflection: (Default)
*Happy birthday to [livejournal.com profile] purequicksilver! ♥

*Thanks, Anna and Jojo, for the v-gifts! ♥ & *hugs* to you two

*Guh. Should not be so tired from just two errands and two stores for groceries. (Am better, honestly, just the lingering cough is a bit annoying.)

*Wowowow )

*Mood's so weird right now. Got asked an uncomfortable question that I just can't answer without spotlighting how much how much of a failure I am. I hate looking bad to people, especially those I really like--but it's my own fault, isn't it? Just have gotten more and more down thinking about it. Yet at the store, even when I was running out of energy so badly, the music I was hearing made me sort of want to dance around. Self, what, just what. (Also, totally fangirled at Mom when I heard Little Lion Man on the radio again. Sort of amuses me that they refer to it as new, when I first got ahold of an mp3 in October of last year from the EP and the CD version in May. Ah, radio.)

*To balance the emo, cute! http://icanhascheezburger.com/2010/12/08/funny-pictures-well-heres-your-problem/ Kitty! \o/

P.S. Still not managing to reply to the last couple weeks of comments. -__- Nearly at 3 weeks worth? I'm so awesome at being a friend, asdfsdfkjf. :/ Sorry (again).
whitereflection: (sam dangerous (bw))
http://www.mychemicalromance.com/trailer/
I have rewatched this trailer for the new My Chemical Romance CD so, *so* many times these last few days. I need that song (Art Is A Weapon). Seriously, I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed it. Can't wait for the full video, too--such visual crack. All those brilliant colors and wonderful, freaky, Mad-Maxish bizarreness. Hell, I want the whole CD like woah. But especially that song. Stupid tidbit is stuck in my heeeeead. (And so many phrases I want on SPN icons: "louder than God's revolver and twice as shiny", "the future is bulletproof", "it's time to do it now and do it loud"...yeeeeah). Criminy, I'm such a sucker for that sort of music. My brain is forever a teenager.

Cold is finally going away, though yesterday it finally caught up with me and I crashed hard. Spent the entire day sleeping. Just couldn't stop. It was a good thing Mom'd already offered to do soup for dinner, because I was utterly useless for anything but being a lump on the couch (and also a cat pillow).

My mood is very weird right now, and not in a ha-ha way. And outside, summer keeps trying to hold on. I'm behind on my comments, though fortunately/unfortunately there aren't many. And I've been so freaking bipolar about my writing these last few days it's not even funny (sometimes I think I need a writing therapist, honestly).

and yet another quirk of mine :x )

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