Melodramatic Fool

So back last Christmas, my Dad asked me my opinion. For birthdays and Christmas gifts, he’s always given out cash. And he asked me, did I want the money donated to a charity (like he and my stepmother prefer to getting gifts), or did I still want the cash.

Well, to be quite honest, I preferred the cash. I’m still at a point in my life where I like getting things for myself, I am so often holding off on getting things, I always have a list of ‘fun’ things I’d like, since we’re careful to be thrifty and save. So I like getting fun money as gifts, money that I can just spend and not feel guilty about. So I told him so.

He ASKED. He got my opinion.

And then 8 months later here, I get my birthday card (sent early, it’s not until the 19th). And for a gift, he’s donated to a charity.

Why did he fucking ask my opinion, back last December. Why did he fucking ask what I wanted. If he was just going to do a thing, why even ask my goddamned preference. Okay, so you want to give gifts to charity instead of giving gifts to people FINE whatever.

But to ask my opinion about it, what I *wanted*, and then do the opposite of what I wanted. That, that hurts. That says “you didn’t give the answer I thought you should, so I’m doing x thing instead anyway.”

Why give me the illusion of choice. Why make it seem like my opinion has no importance, no value, no worth. Why make it feel like my opinion means NOTHING to you. Unless it coincides with what you wanted to do in the first place.

Great. I’m almost 39 years old, and I’m hurt, fucking *crushed* like some little girl. But god damn it, my own father specifically asked what I wanted, and then disregarded it and did the opposite. And all I can think is that it’s because I didn’t want the right thing, the correct thing. Or that it’s some punishment for some incorrect behavior because he threatened to do this sort of thing to my sister-in-law when she pissed him off about something BUT I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I MIGHT HAVE DONE. He’s never said he’s upset.

Or what’s worse…he might have just forgotten. That whole conversation that *he* brought up, the whole discussion we had. He might have just blown it off and forgotten. Which would really say something about the weight he gives my opinions and feelings.

I just…don’t get it. And I feel guilty, because what sort of person gets their feelings hurt or angry about money to charity. I feel like some greedy, horrible asshole.

Except he *asked*, he asked what I wanted. So why, WHY. Why ask my feelings on it. Why make me feel like my opinion on it mattered. Why not just say “this is how it’s going to be”. I mean, I just, I don’t.

Wow. And now I feel like crap in more ways than just cold-related.

(and now I'll have to grit my teeth and say thank you when next we talk on the phone, because funny thing is he fucking raised me to be polite and grateful. so, yeah. fuck. happy birthday food pantry it's on me. (long story short--if you want to give someone a choice and if you're not going to like one of the ways they could answer, or if you really just want to do it your way, THEN DON'T FUCKING GIVE THEM A CHOICE AT ALL. it's better off for everyone in the end.))

Title: A Love Song of Fight Or Flight
Fandom: Inception
Pairing: Arthur/Eames
For paxlux (because she asked, though tbh it was going to be for her anyway ♥)

*

A Love Song of Fight Or Flight


He's a kick to the chest.

You're only truly alive when there's danger singing in your veins,
arias of adrenaline,
and he threat-sparks your thunderclap heartbeat with a gun report smile
that shoots you right between the eyes.
The whole point to living, you've learned,
is so he can kill you.
(And death doesn't feel right unless it's by his hand.)

He's a knife to the throat.

No one still living knew your weaknesses.
You had no blind spots. You had perfect defenses none could breach,
then you let him through.
You looked away and he slid shiv-sharp right between your ribs.
Now you're spread out, arms open come-get-me wide,
presenting yourself like an offering of pressure points
for him to bruise beneath his hands.

He's a blow to the head,
a fist to the teeth.

His lips pressed to your skin hit like a punch in the gut
until three whispered words
go pop-pop-pop
and shatter your sternum;
you'd never even felt the press of metal concealed by tongue and teeth.
You help him steady his aim, tell him to fire again, again,
already craving the taste of more blood in the back of your mouth.

He's a kick to the chest, and you're falling.
He's a kick to your chest,
and you fall,
and you fall,
and you

*

So. Still primarily interested in Sherlock and Sherlock/John (while continuing to catch up on Doctor Who, though not feeling the need to read fic). BUT. I seem to be getting hooked by this whole Avengers thing. A bit ago Pax had a Thor/Loki fic that was way cool, then recently, I mean like this past week, my brain went OH HEY STEVE/TONY IS PRETTY NEAT, and I've read some fabulous gyzym fic and am looking forward to poking at a rec list that went by on my tumblr dash. 

But also Pax has done gone and made me fall for a rare pair. :| From my rec post on tumblr:


In other news, in WoW, have accomplished the Through a Glass, Darkly quest, on the way to getting a legendary caster staff.  UGH SO, SO DIFFICULT, or at least it's that hard for a warlock to do, but despite that, managed to succeed after two days' work, respeccing into a talent tree I'd never played before, a lot of in-game gold on materials to buff my character (not to mention repairs), and studying many guides other players had written. A long ways to go yet to get the staff (a couple of months of raiding for the quest drops needed), but the worst is over, and eventually I should be the second in our guild to get one.

From my tumblr:
#i think i am the only person in the world #and i mean only person in the entire damned world #who doesn't care about babies or pregnancy #and especially does not care about babies or pregnancy of people i'm not related to or don't know in person #i just...pregnancy and kids don't seem like a spectator sport to me #i get why people are fascinated by sex itself--but i just honestly don't comprehend why people are so fascinated by the ability of other humans to reproduce #maybe it's something to do with my absolute lack of a biological clock

Originally posted by darkspirited1 at SIGNAL BOOST: SAY YES TO GAY YA
entitled, Say Yes to Gay YA.
(click the link for the full article)

Our novel Stranger has five viewpoint characters; one, Yuki Nakamura, is
gay and has a boyfriend. Yuki's romance, like the heterosexual ones in
the novel, involves nothing more explicit than kissing.

An agent from a major agency, one which represents a bestselling YA novel in the same genre as ours, called us.

The agent offered to sign us on the condition that we make the gay
character straight, or else remove his viewpoint and all references to
his sexual orientation.

This isn't about that specific agent; we'd gotten other rewrite requests before this one. Previous agents had also offered to take a second look if we did rewrites… including cutting the viewpoint of Yuki, the gay character.

It's time to stand up and demand change. Spread the word everywhere if you are just as angry and outraged by this.

Ugh, I need to post. Have fallen out of the habit so badly, and tumblr's mindless reblogging is just so nice when I get to procrastinating about actually saying things, and/or am being a hermit. Anyway, bulletpoints to catch up:

•Had a pipe from the kitchen down to the basement go bad and leak, resulting in the first time ever for making a homeowner's insurance claim. "Minor", but still resulted in weeks of repairs and contractors--plumber, carpenter, water damage treatment company, drywaller, painter, etc, multiple visits of each. And well, not the worst expense, but still expense.

•In amongst that, naturally was time to renew my driver's license and had to plate/pay sales taxes on the new(ish) car

•Had to deal with my aunt's, mother's, and stepmother's birthdays, am now about to my own. Not digging the whole nearly-38 thing.

•Did jury duty, actually got placed in a jury for a county criminal trial. Luckily, found out when it was time for deliberations that I was the alternate juror and could leave. The whole situation massively pushed all my anxiety buttons--I do not deal with new things well, nor with situations involving conflict/arguing. Also luckily, Omaha is 'one day-one trial', so once you do your day/trial (if it goes longer than a day, though mine didn't), your jury duty service is considered complete. So no spending days/weeks on it.

•Family member has gotten themselves into some trouble; nothing I can do for it but listen when my parents want to talk about it. It's not the end of the world, I'm sure they can work through it with some time. Just a strange and weird thing, the way people can fuck up.

•Still haven't gotten to show Sherlock (BBC) to the gals that come over on Saturdays. Stuff keeps coming up. GOING TO ASAP. Am going to demand it Saturday. (Have inflicted Stonehenge Apocalypse on one group of friends; eventually after Sherlock stuff, will make the gals watch it, too. Trolololol.)

•Health willing, as am dealing with a cold for the last few days.

•Over the years, have seen bits and pieces of Nine and Ten era Dr.Who--have downloaded damned near all of the five-so-far seasons, am currently up to s1ep5 of Nine. Enjoying the hell out of it. Need to watch more.

•Have not been raiding in WoW, just doing the new dailies/achievements. But have come to the decision--I'm going to faction switch Akseru from horde to alliance, to do casual raiding with the husband's guild. They seem okay people, stable and low drama, from what I've seen playing on an alt there. I don't like the look of alliance male characters though, so Ak will be changing from a male bloodelf to a female human. In my mental RPG for the character, it actually suits him and is oddly fitting. And it's still him, even when a her. Don't ask :p The husband has done a Figureprints statuette of what he previously looked like for my birthday, and now that that's shipped, will do the faction switch later today. I guess it's come down to that in my very first guild six years ago, I didn't know anyone--but every time since, every time, that I've joined a new guild, I've known RL and/or online friends already in said guild. At this point, I don't want to join somewhere I don't know anyone at all. So this works for me right now.

•PS I am looking forward to more Supernatural, and will be watching s7. I guess the extent of my fanning is just reblogging a bit of stuff on tumblr, and sometimes reading a short fic here or there. It's just sharing my attention with Sherlock, Dr.Who and even Community, and I'm more feeling part of the Sherlock fandom than anything else, atm--even if I've pretty much proven to myself with one poem that I can't write for it for crap :p But I do so love reading the fic. S/J fic yes yes yes ♥

•But seriously: Sherlock Sherlock Sherlock Sherlock Sherlock ♥ Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch can shake my boat any day.

•...is that everything? Am I caught up? o_O I think that's everything.

•Oh wait--very, very, very belated thanks to silverraven and cherie_morte for the vgifts. \o/♥ So sorry it took...a month and a half, ugh >_< for me to say something.

heavy-handed metaphor

You are in a room filled with
invisible people
they're hiding within the lines
if you bother to read between them
hoping that you will make them
real
See them kneeling below your shadow
moth-dancing in your brilliant light
singing to you love and praises
just in case you care to
listen
Today they weren't chosen to be
visible people
so they fill all the empty spaces
in your empty rooms
and keep waiting
(tomorrow they'll be special
if they keep waiting)
with you, amongst you
right here.

(dvad 7-27-11)

1999 Saturn SW has evolved into a 2009 Toyota Corolla LE! (We just went out to "start looking", I swear. Sale price was super effective. :p) Anyway. Just under 30k miles, dark gray, light gray interior, and fuck, I always want to spell that grey. Bits that last time we bought were 'features' but are now standard, so we get power windows/locks, stereo with CD and an aux jack for something like an iPod, lock/unlock/trunk release on the key. Yay. Wouldn't believe how barebones the Saturn was. Automatic, though, boo. I'll miss manual transmission. Good downpayment means only 3 years of a not-too-bad car payment. Cool.

Not so awesome: got a notice in the mail for jury duty, my first summons ever. Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

Lunch out today with the mother and husband, the father and stepmother, and the brother and his fiancee. Was nifty.

Jeebus fuck, allergies.

I blame society. And Monty Python.