...........failed.

[whitereflection]

It wasn't worth waking up today. I can tell this already.

I don't know...maybe it's part that it feels, looking at myself and analyzing things, that little bits have died off, that they're just not coming back again. i.e. My creativity. I just feel like that's gone. I've written a sentence here and there over time, but frankly I haven't completed anything for like...a year and a half? Prose, even poetry, just doesn't feel like it's there. Art doesn't feel like it's there--I haven't done anything with oil pastels in months, and I never got into acrylic paints like I was thinking. All those projects I kind of started are sitting, and will continue to sit. And now music. Where's the gung-ho I had on that? It's been almost two weeks since the group lessons ended, and I just am not getting back into practicing. Even before the lessons ended I wasn't really practicing anymore. So things feel very lifeless inside in those ways--there's no spark, no motivation, no energy, no drive. I don't even feel like I'm having as many ideas as I have in the past, but then again, what is the use of ideas if you never do anything with them?

Sometimes I wonder 'what it's all for?', as Mai Yamane sings in "Blue". Because I really don't know. I'm not going to have kids, I'm not really doing anything to contribute to the world in general, and I'm not creating/producing anything of artistic value. It seems like things are a lot of 'go to work, go home, go to bed', and I wonder--I have five more decades of this? Okay, so people are a reason 'what it's all for', but we've already seem how many people in my RL here I just tolerate, as compared to the few I actually want to be around. And the others I want to be around, whether family or friends, are all so scattered--and I realize so often I'm just *not* good with text on a screen or conversations by phone. I seem to be only at my 'best' in RL, and that just can't happen with everyone. But 'at my best in RL'? I gotta laugh about that--if I posed that statement to a certain someone, I think they would disagree.

I composed countless journal entries in my head this morning as I was getting ready, and time and time again I scrapped it all. And this is turning into one of those, so I should stop before I convince myself to just backspace over it all, and therefore waste the time I just spend typing.

Comments

Re: *Even more Hugs*

[whitereflection.livejournal.com]

I have to say, I miss being able to talk with you more, and apologize for all the times I neglect my email and whatnot. Eventually I hope to connect with you on AIM, when I can get on early enough ( ^^; I hate time zones).

But in any case, thank you. I know I haven't said in a great long while, if at all, how much I appreciate what a giving, caring person you are. And wise, that too--I should especially say that because too often most don't consider those under 40 to have any sort of wisdom, which sells a whole bunch of people short. Because you're right about that bit about the box. (And yes, I do work in a cube, but those are cloth covered walls, and they're much, much farther away than those of a pine box would be ^^; )

It's good to know someone understands, too--even if I was being darker than I had a right to be (I'm still not sure why I woke up that way, or where my mind was at). I get very impatient, and very frustrated with myself, during times like these, and I forget that these things can come and go. I guess I just get scared (pathetic, ne?) that when it goes, that means it'll be gone for good, forever--because my art impulses can be months apart, or that months/years may go by before writing clicks again. I know I should trust myself, and not assume the worst during the dry-creativity times--just needed a reminder about that (yet again ^^;; )

*hugs* But thanks, I do appreciate what you said. And as I said to someone else, stuff hasn't changed, but I'm handling it better.

Talk to you later, hope things are going dandy,
--Di