...........failed.
Sep. 23rd, 2002 08:14 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
whitereflectionIt wasn't worth waking up today. I can tell this already.
I don't know...maybe it's part that it feels, looking at myself and analyzing things, that little bits have died off, that they're just not coming back again. i.e. My creativity. I just feel like that's gone. I've written a sentence here and there over time, but frankly I haven't completed anything for like...a year and a half? Prose, even poetry, just doesn't feel like it's there. Art doesn't feel like it's there--I haven't done anything with oil pastels in months, and I never got into acrylic paints like I was thinking. All those projects I kind of started are sitting, and will continue to sit. And now music. Where's the gung-ho I had on that? It's been almost two weeks since the group lessons ended, and I just am not getting back into practicing. Even before the lessons ended I wasn't really practicing anymore. So things feel very lifeless inside in those ways--there's no spark, no motivation, no energy, no drive. I don't even feel like I'm having as many ideas as I have in the past, but then again, what is the use of ideas if you never do anything with them?
Sometimes I wonder 'what it's all for?', as Mai Yamane sings in "Blue". Because I really don't know. I'm not going to have kids, I'm not really doing anything to contribute to the world in general, and I'm not creating/producing anything of artistic value. It seems like things are a lot of 'go to work, go home, go to bed', and I wonder--I have five more decades of this? Okay, so people are a reason 'what it's all for', but we've already seem how many people in my RL here I just tolerate, as compared to the few I actually want to be around. And the others I want to be around, whether family or friends, are all so scattered--and I realize so often I'm just *not* good with text on a screen or conversations by phone. I seem to be only at my 'best' in RL, and that just can't happen with everyone. But 'at my best in RL'? I gotta laugh about that--if I posed that statement to a certain someone, I think they would disagree.
I composed countless journal entries in my head this morning as I was getting ready, and time and time again I scrapped it all. And this is turning into one of those, so I should stop before I convince myself to just backspace over it all, and therefore waste the time I just spend typing.
I don't know...maybe it's part that it feels, looking at myself and analyzing things, that little bits have died off, that they're just not coming back again. i.e. My creativity. I just feel like that's gone. I've written a sentence here and there over time, but frankly I haven't completed anything for like...a year and a half? Prose, even poetry, just doesn't feel like it's there. Art doesn't feel like it's there--I haven't done anything with oil pastels in months, and I never got into acrylic paints like I was thinking. All those projects I kind of started are sitting, and will continue to sit. And now music. Where's the gung-ho I had on that? It's been almost two weeks since the group lessons ended, and I just am not getting back into practicing. Even before the lessons ended I wasn't really practicing anymore. So things feel very lifeless inside in those ways--there's no spark, no motivation, no energy, no drive. I don't even feel like I'm having as many ideas as I have in the past, but then again, what is the use of ideas if you never do anything with them?
Sometimes I wonder 'what it's all for?', as Mai Yamane sings in "Blue". Because I really don't know. I'm not going to have kids, I'm not really doing anything to contribute to the world in general, and I'm not creating/producing anything of artistic value. It seems like things are a lot of 'go to work, go home, go to bed', and I wonder--I have five more decades of this? Okay, so people are a reason 'what it's all for', but we've already seem how many people in my RL here I just tolerate, as compared to the few I actually want to be around. And the others I want to be around, whether family or friends, are all so scattered--and I realize so often I'm just *not* good with text on a screen or conversations by phone. I seem to be only at my 'best' in RL, and that just can't happen with everyone. But 'at my best in RL'? I gotta laugh about that--if I posed that statement to a certain someone, I think they would disagree.
I composed countless journal entries in my head this morning as I was getting ready, and time and time again I scrapped it all. And this is turning into one of those, so I should stop before I convince myself to just backspace over it all, and therefore waste the time I just spend typing.
