Four out of seven
Sep. 6th, 2002 08:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
whitereflectionHave you ever felt jealous of someone for something stupid, something incredibly petty? Something you have absolutely no right to begrudge them having or doing?
Obviously I have. And I hate myself for it. But instead of changing the problem once I've recognized it, I seem to be continuing to feel so, despite telling myself it's wrong to feel like that. And so I get even angrier at myself. And then it hit me that the thing I'm being jealous of, is something *I* myself have done, and recently at that. (I wonder if hypocrisy is one of the seven deadly sins...?)
And as open as I can be on here, I don't feel I can discuss specifics of what I'm feeling and why. Because as much as I can talk about, I find it more than a little difficult to talk about things that make me look bad, and this really would, it's so petty, so wrong to feel when it involves those I care about. How can I be like this?? So guess I need to add pride to the list, with envy. And the root of why I'm feeling jealous most likely has to do with a sort of greed, so add that, too--and probably has to do with the things I feel for another person, so perhaps that's related to lust, in a way. Love and lust are so tangled together, anyway...
So envy, greed, pride, lust--are there others I can add? (I know I suffer from gluttony and sloth, but at least they don't seem to tie into this particular case.) I wonder what that last of the seven is. I can't remember at the moment. But I guess I digress. I guess I just don't understand how I could begrudge those I care for so much anything that makes them happy, don't understand how I could feel envy for it. What sort of person has feelings like that? Especially to feel such things repeatedly over time--and again and again the me that stands outside of myself yells at me to stop, but I don't. Sometimes I successfully stuff the feeling away, but that's only hiding it for a short time, and it inevitably comes back.
Have other, happy, things I wanted to chat about, but they don't belong here, to be sullied by this craptastic part of me. So let's just end this bit of garbage. >p
Empty, please refill...
Obviously I have. And I hate myself for it. But instead of changing the problem once I've recognized it, I seem to be continuing to feel so, despite telling myself it's wrong to feel like that. And so I get even angrier at myself. And then it hit me that the thing I'm being jealous of, is something *I* myself have done, and recently at that. (I wonder if hypocrisy is one of the seven deadly sins...?)
And as open as I can be on here, I don't feel I can discuss specifics of what I'm feeling and why. Because as much as I can talk about, I find it more than a little difficult to talk about things that make me look bad, and this really would, it's so petty, so wrong to feel when it involves those I care about. How can I be like this?? So guess I need to add pride to the list, with envy. And the root of why I'm feeling jealous most likely has to do with a sort of greed, so add that, too--and probably has to do with the things I feel for another person, so perhaps that's related to lust, in a way. Love and lust are so tangled together, anyway...
So envy, greed, pride, lust--are there others I can add? (I know I suffer from gluttony and sloth, but at least they don't seem to tie into this particular case.) I wonder what that last of the seven is. I can't remember at the moment. But I guess I digress. I guess I just don't understand how I could begrudge those I care for so much anything that makes them happy, don't understand how I could feel envy for it. What sort of person has feelings like that? Especially to feel such things repeatedly over time--and again and again the me that stands outside of myself yells at me to stop, but I don't. Sometimes I successfully stuff the feeling away, but that's only hiding it for a short time, and it inevitably comes back.
Have other, happy, things I wanted to chat about, but they don't belong here, to be sullied by this craptastic part of me. So let's just end this bit of garbage. >p
Empty, please refill...
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(no subject)
Date: 2002-09-06 11:52 am (UTC)Don't trouble your head about the jealousy thing. It's in the nature of human beings to want things. I'm reminded of "Silence of the Lambs" when Lector talks about coveting. "We covet that which we see every day." If it's some object, or person, or way of life, or hairstyle, everyone has something that they hunger for. Just know that you aren't alone.
Huggles.. and may all your wishes come true.
In the meantime, write stuff down, mentally tirade at who you need to tirade at, then have a nice long bath and take many trips down fantasy lane... where you can whatever the hell you want ... guilt free. ^_^
Smootchies...
V..
"All I want is what's coming to me.. All I want is my fair share." Sally from "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown