Four out of seven
Sep. 6th, 2002 08:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
whitereflectionHave you ever felt jealous of someone for something stupid, something incredibly petty? Something you have absolutely no right to begrudge them having or doing?
Obviously I have. And I hate myself for it. But instead of changing the problem once I've recognized it, I seem to be continuing to feel so, despite telling myself it's wrong to feel like that. And so I get even angrier at myself. And then it hit me that the thing I'm being jealous of, is something *I* myself have done, and recently at that. (I wonder if hypocrisy is one of the seven deadly sins...?)
And as open as I can be on here, I don't feel I can discuss specifics of what I'm feeling and why. Because as much as I can talk about, I find it more than a little difficult to talk about things that make me look bad, and this really would, it's so petty, so wrong to feel when it involves those I care about. How can I be like this?? So guess I need to add pride to the list, with envy. And the root of why I'm feeling jealous most likely has to do with a sort of greed, so add that, too--and probably has to do with the things I feel for another person, so perhaps that's related to lust, in a way. Love and lust are so tangled together, anyway...
So envy, greed, pride, lust--are there others I can add? (I know I suffer from gluttony and sloth, but at least they don't seem to tie into this particular case.) I wonder what that last of the seven is. I can't remember at the moment. But I guess I digress. I guess I just don't understand how I could begrudge those I care for so much anything that makes them happy, don't understand how I could feel envy for it. What sort of person has feelings like that? Especially to feel such things repeatedly over time--and again and again the me that stands outside of myself yells at me to stop, but I don't. Sometimes I successfully stuff the feeling away, but that's only hiding it for a short time, and it inevitably comes back.
Have other, happy, things I wanted to chat about, but they don't belong here, to be sullied by this craptastic part of me. So let's just end this bit of garbage. >p
Empty, please refill...
Obviously I have. And I hate myself for it. But instead of changing the problem once I've recognized it, I seem to be continuing to feel so, despite telling myself it's wrong to feel like that. And so I get even angrier at myself. And then it hit me that the thing I'm being jealous of, is something *I* myself have done, and recently at that. (I wonder if hypocrisy is one of the seven deadly sins...?)
And as open as I can be on here, I don't feel I can discuss specifics of what I'm feeling and why. Because as much as I can talk about, I find it more than a little difficult to talk about things that make me look bad, and this really would, it's so petty, so wrong to feel when it involves those I care about. How can I be like this?? So guess I need to add pride to the list, with envy. And the root of why I'm feeling jealous most likely has to do with a sort of greed, so add that, too--and probably has to do with the things I feel for another person, so perhaps that's related to lust, in a way. Love and lust are so tangled together, anyway...
So envy, greed, pride, lust--are there others I can add? (I know I suffer from gluttony and sloth, but at least they don't seem to tie into this particular case.) I wonder what that last of the seven is. I can't remember at the moment. But I guess I digress. I guess I just don't understand how I could begrudge those I care for so much anything that makes them happy, don't understand how I could feel envy for it. What sort of person has feelings like that? Especially to feel such things repeatedly over time--and again and again the me that stands outside of myself yells at me to stop, but I don't. Sometimes I successfully stuff the feeling away, but that's only hiding it for a short time, and it inevitably comes back.
Have other, happy, things I wanted to chat about, but they don't belong here, to be sullied by this craptastic part of me. So let's just end this bit of garbage. >p
Empty, please refill...
