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Nov. 6th, 2010 09:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
whitereflectionNot anything fanfiction-related this time.
And this the sort of day it will be: the sun will come up, same as it ever was. Eventually it will go down again, just like always, because it's comfortable in its rut. In between, there will be an ending, and you'll fear it and hate it like you always do.
Memories will continue to never be enough. Platitudes like 'it's better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all' will still make you want to hit things. You won't care about 'a better place', because you can't be wherever that place is.
This is the way it is: you can't fix things; you can't make it better, you can't make it go back to the way it was. Things leave, and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
You've always been a follower, but once again you're going to be left behind, not able to follow no matter how much you try. Tell yourself they'll be waiting for you. Try to convince yourself this time that you actually believe it.
(175)
edit. We were going to have to take Bebop-cat in to the vet this afternoon to let him go. Wanted to first thing, but James absolutely had to go in to work. And we only have the one car. I should have taken the car, dropped James off at work, and taken Bebop in on my own instead of insisting on waiting for James to be done and go with too. Because somewhere in the last hour, Bebop already just is gone. I should have been sitting up there in the spare bedroom where he'd been curled up since yesterday, should have been sitting there with him. But I was downstairs here. And now he's gone. Jesus, I don't even know what to do when a cat dies at home. I've only lost one pet before, and that was years ago, and that was at the vet's. Fuck, all I can do lately is cry.
And this the sort of day it will be: the sun will come up, same as it ever was. Eventually it will go down again, just like always, because it's comfortable in its rut. In between, there will be an ending, and you'll fear it and hate it like you always do.
Memories will continue to never be enough. Platitudes like 'it's better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all' will still make you want to hit things. You won't care about 'a better place', because you can't be wherever that place is.
This is the way it is: you can't fix things; you can't make it better, you can't make it go back to the way it was. Things leave, and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
You've always been a follower, but once again you're going to be left behind, not able to follow no matter how much you try. Tell yourself they'll be waiting for you. Try to convince yourself this time that you actually believe it.
(175)
edit. We were going to have to take Bebop-cat in to the vet this afternoon to let him go. Wanted to first thing, but James absolutely had to go in to work. And we only have the one car. I should have taken the car, dropped James off at work, and taken Bebop in on my own instead of insisting on waiting for James to be done and go with too. Because somewhere in the last hour, Bebop already just is gone. I should have been sitting up there in the spare bedroom where he'd been curled up since yesterday, should have been sitting there with him. But I was downstairs here. And now he's gone. Jesus, I don't even know what to do when a cat dies at home. I've only lost one pet before, and that was years ago, and that was at the vet's. Fuck, all I can do lately is cry.
