a mess of me

[whitereflection]

I think I'm going to have to just dl tonight's ep and watch...tomorrow morning maybe, hopefully. In such a wretched mood, I don't think I can't even imagine trying to enjoy/glee on it. Just sort of had it up to here with a few extended family members and certain of my aunt's friends really always making me feel shoved to the background/to the side, like I don't matter, like they and what they feel are more important and I, you know, should just get out of the way or something (even though I'm always so careful to give others space and take turns and tend to stick to the background--just the few times I try to sit closer and have a little time, x y or z just sort of takes over and pushes their way in and acts like I'm some nobody that should shove off). And there's even been a few times they've done this to my dad and he's her fucking *brother*, and they were *close*. I don't know. I'm just stupidly upset, and sort of having this 'so this is what x and y really think about me' sort of moment. I'm just getting stupidly fed up with certain people being so fucking self-centered and selfish. (And/or it just illustrates that while I've felt fondly about certain extended family, that they don't give a shit about me and don't think I'm worth anything).

Every once in a while my aunt is having a few minutes where she'll give short responses to a question/statement, like a word or two, but not really opening her eyes. Few minutes last night, few minutes this morning and this afternoon. The theory is that liver issues are causing the latest problems--synthesizing but not breaking down, thus liver values are very increased and so now there's *those* toxins building up. They're wanting to see given 24-48 hours if it improves like kidneys/lungs did, or if it doesn't, and we're back to a couple of weeks ago.