And X Japan seranades...
Jan. 20th, 2003 11:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
whitereflectionYesterday...was a waste of being alive. If I could take it back and save myself that bit of cellular degeneration, I would. And yet again I prove that no matter how bad the guilt I'm wallowing in, I'm extremely gifted at making it just *that* much worse. 'Cause if I was just dealing with imagined guilt yesterday morning, I had something very real to deal with by evening. Go me. In the end, while yes, there are many times I just don't like him, many times I'm angry with him, many times he's just an idiot--I'm far, far, *far* worse, and I'm just plain unstable to boot.
Sometimes I just want to scratch the words "Idiot moron childish damned stupid freak" into my skin so I can always be reminded. I can do such stupid, stupid-assed things. Like I said, go me.
Got today off from work for the MLK holiday. Dunno what I'll do. Been pretty successful at not doing anything at all this whole weekend--I'm doing a damned good job of frittering away my free time. Eh. If I can get my ass in gear, I may work on my hiragana some, as that'd be productive. I've been re'reading' my manga over and over again, trying to practice and sound out what I do know--occasionally catching words I'm familar with.
But other than that... *shrugs* Am feeling a lot of lost and outside, and it's no one's fault but my own. If I'd at least be *present*, I wouldn't be so outside. And it's my choice to not be involved in various projects, and therefore be 'outside'--I just need to make the effort to find other shared activities to keep in touch with everyone out there. But I do really miss the group chats some of us used to have--IMs are okay, but I miss the group environment. I guess I may have to beg folks for a little time to interrupt their other projects and set one of those up sometime. I just don't want to interfere in activities that I know bring people joy/satisfaction--but maybe just, you know, once in a while/occasional sort of hang out sessions.
Anyway... Finally have discovered why there is such a love of HK sub DVDs out there--fuck, are they *cheap*. O.o Anj and we are going together on an order (she's getting the Azumanga Daioh complete set, the Bebop movie, and the Read or Die set--we're getting the AzuDai box set and the DigiCharat movie) and for *everything* it totalled about to what getting three individual DVDs at Suncoast would have cost. Criminy. *blinks* And we saw that they have the complete run of the Fist of the North Star anime TV series (yeah Kenji, others do know about this--it's only James' favorite anime ever of all time)--now true, it's 136$...but that's for the *whole* run of _150+_ episodes. Holy shzt. That's less than a dollar an episode. Didn't order it this time, but he will soon, I think. And while the subs may not be the greatest, all the old eps and movie he's had since getting into it in the late 80s are raw--ie unsubbed. This is definitely a step up from that.
Eh. Still thinking, which I should just stop. Ain't getting me anywhere. I just wish I could figure out why I've been closing myself off from others so much. I wish I could feel comfortable in talking about what's been causing me so much stress and hurt and fear...I'm hiding again, bottling it all up, and it all just eats away at a person. I wish it would all get better and turn out to be the 'happy ever after/everything's ok' that some people so have been wanting. And conversely, I wish I could make myself face the truths about things, about myself, and just make the needed changes, and quit prolonging the hurt for me and the others around me. I need a spine, I need guts, I need a clue.
But anyway, whatever, enough. a
Sometimes I just want to scratch the words "Idiot moron childish damned stupid freak" into my skin so I can always be reminded. I can do such stupid, stupid-assed things. Like I said, go me.
Got today off from work for the MLK holiday. Dunno what I'll do. Been pretty successful at not doing anything at all this whole weekend--I'm doing a damned good job of frittering away my free time. Eh. If I can get my ass in gear, I may work on my hiragana some, as that'd be productive. I've been re'reading' my manga over and over again, trying to practice and sound out what I do know--occasionally catching words I'm familar with.
But other than that... *shrugs* Am feeling a lot of lost and outside, and it's no one's fault but my own. If I'd at least be *present*, I wouldn't be so outside. And it's my choice to not be involved in various projects, and therefore be 'outside'--I just need to make the effort to find other shared activities to keep in touch with everyone out there. But I do really miss the group chats some of us used to have--IMs are okay, but I miss the group environment. I guess I may have to beg folks for a little time to interrupt their other projects and set one of those up sometime. I just don't want to interfere in activities that I know bring people joy/satisfaction--but maybe just, you know, once in a while/occasional sort of hang out sessions.
Anyway... Finally have discovered why there is such a love of HK sub DVDs out there--fuck, are they *cheap*. O.o Anj and we are going together on an order (she's getting the Azumanga Daioh complete set, the Bebop movie, and the Read or Die set--we're getting the AzuDai box set and the DigiCharat movie) and for *everything* it totalled about to what getting three individual DVDs at Suncoast would have cost. Criminy. *blinks* And we saw that they have the complete run of the Fist of the North Star anime TV series (yeah Kenji, others do know about this--it's only James' favorite anime ever of all time)--now true, it's 136$...but that's for the *whole* run of _150+_ episodes. Holy shzt. That's less than a dollar an episode. Didn't order it this time, but he will soon, I think. And while the subs may not be the greatest, all the old eps and movie he's had since getting into it in the late 80s are raw--ie unsubbed. This is definitely a step up from that.
Eh. Still thinking, which I should just stop. Ain't getting me anywhere. I just wish I could figure out why I've been closing myself off from others so much. I wish I could feel comfortable in talking about what's been causing me so much stress and hurt and fear...I'm hiding again, bottling it all up, and it all just eats away at a person. I wish it would all get better and turn out to be the 'happy ever after/everything's ok' that some people so have been wanting. And conversely, I wish I could make myself face the truths about things, about myself, and just make the needed changes, and quit prolonging the hurt for me and the others around me. I need a spine, I need guts, I need a clue.
But anyway, whatever, enough. a
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Re:
Date: 2003-01-21 11:25 am (UTC)I really do owe you a call one of these days, though, to catch up. Might not be right away--I have to be out tonight, and to be honest, I tend to not like to make even social phone calls when James is around. It's just easier those times when I have the house to myself and have some actual privacy, even when not discussing anything serious.
*extrahugs* But thanks for reminding me that you're out there--I need to boot myself in the head to remember folks, sometimes, as I can be dense. And I still haven't told you how much I liked that YYH fic you did recently (Christmas Flames, was it?) I enjoyed it very much, and thought you did great work with that--I liked seeing Shizuru focused on, as she's such an interesting character.
Anyway, will talk to you later, I promise.
--Di