And X Japan seranades...
Jan. 20th, 2003 11:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
whitereflectionYesterday...was a waste of being alive. If I could take it back and save myself that bit of cellular degeneration, I would. And yet again I prove that no matter how bad the guilt I'm wallowing in, I'm extremely gifted at making it just *that* much worse. 'Cause if I was just dealing with imagined guilt yesterday morning, I had something very real to deal with by evening. Go me. In the end, while yes, there are many times I just don't like him, many times I'm angry with him, many times he's just an idiot--I'm far, far, *far* worse, and I'm just plain unstable to boot.
Sometimes I just want to scratch the words "Idiot moron childish damned stupid freak" into my skin so I can always be reminded. I can do such stupid, stupid-assed things. Like I said, go me.
Got today off from work for the MLK holiday. Dunno what I'll do. Been pretty successful at not doing anything at all this whole weekend--I'm doing a damned good job of frittering away my free time. Eh. If I can get my ass in gear, I may work on my hiragana some, as that'd be productive. I've been re'reading' my manga over and over again, trying to practice and sound out what I do know--occasionally catching words I'm familar with.
But other than that... *shrugs* Am feeling a lot of lost and outside, and it's no one's fault but my own. If I'd at least be *present*, I wouldn't be so outside. And it's my choice to not be involved in various projects, and therefore be 'outside'--I just need to make the effort to find other shared activities to keep in touch with everyone out there. But I do really miss the group chats some of us used to have--IMs are okay, but I miss the group environment. I guess I may have to beg folks for a little time to interrupt their other projects and set one of those up sometime. I just don't want to interfere in activities that I know bring people joy/satisfaction--but maybe just, you know, once in a while/occasional sort of hang out sessions.
Anyway... Finally have discovered why there is such a love of HK sub DVDs out there--fuck, are they *cheap*. O.o Anj and we are going together on an order (she's getting the Azumanga Daioh complete set, the Bebop movie, and the Read or Die set--we're getting the AzuDai box set and the DigiCharat movie) and for *everything* it totalled about to what getting three individual DVDs at Suncoast would have cost. Criminy. *blinks* And we saw that they have the complete run of the Fist of the North Star anime TV series (yeah Kenji, others do know about this--it's only James' favorite anime ever of all time)--now true, it's 136$...but that's for the *whole* run of _150+_ episodes. Holy shzt. That's less than a dollar an episode. Didn't order it this time, but he will soon, I think. And while the subs may not be the greatest, all the old eps and movie he's had since getting into it in the late 80s are raw--ie unsubbed. This is definitely a step up from that.
Eh. Still thinking, which I should just stop. Ain't getting me anywhere. I just wish I could figure out why I've been closing myself off from others so much. I wish I could feel comfortable in talking about what's been causing me so much stress and hurt and fear...I'm hiding again, bottling it all up, and it all just eats away at a person. I wish it would all get better and turn out to be the 'happy ever after/everything's ok' that some people so have been wanting. And conversely, I wish I could make myself face the truths about things, about myself, and just make the needed changes, and quit prolonging the hurt for me and the others around me. I need a spine, I need guts, I need a clue.
But anyway, whatever, enough. a
Sometimes I just want to scratch the words "Idiot moron childish damned stupid freak" into my skin so I can always be reminded. I can do such stupid, stupid-assed things. Like I said, go me.
Got today off from work for the MLK holiday. Dunno what I'll do. Been pretty successful at not doing anything at all this whole weekend--I'm doing a damned good job of frittering away my free time. Eh. If I can get my ass in gear, I may work on my hiragana some, as that'd be productive. I've been re'reading' my manga over and over again, trying to practice and sound out what I do know--occasionally catching words I'm familar with.
But other than that... *shrugs* Am feeling a lot of lost and outside, and it's no one's fault but my own. If I'd at least be *present*, I wouldn't be so outside. And it's my choice to not be involved in various projects, and therefore be 'outside'--I just need to make the effort to find other shared activities to keep in touch with everyone out there. But I do really miss the group chats some of us used to have--IMs are okay, but I miss the group environment. I guess I may have to beg folks for a little time to interrupt their other projects and set one of those up sometime. I just don't want to interfere in activities that I know bring people joy/satisfaction--but maybe just, you know, once in a while/occasional sort of hang out sessions.
Anyway... Finally have discovered why there is such a love of HK sub DVDs out there--fuck, are they *cheap*. O.o Anj and we are going together on an order (she's getting the Azumanga Daioh complete set, the Bebop movie, and the Read or Die set--we're getting the AzuDai box set and the DigiCharat movie) and for *everything* it totalled about to what getting three individual DVDs at Suncoast would have cost. Criminy. *blinks* And we saw that they have the complete run of the Fist of the North Star anime TV series (yeah Kenji, others do know about this--it's only James' favorite anime ever of all time)--now true, it's 136$...but that's for the *whole* run of _150+_ episodes. Holy shzt. That's less than a dollar an episode. Didn't order it this time, but he will soon, I think. And while the subs may not be the greatest, all the old eps and movie he's had since getting into it in the late 80s are raw--ie unsubbed. This is definitely a step up from that.
Eh. Still thinking, which I should just stop. Ain't getting me anywhere. I just wish I could figure out why I've been closing myself off from others so much. I wish I could feel comfortable in talking about what's been causing me so much stress and hurt and fear...I'm hiding again, bottling it all up, and it all just eats away at a person. I wish it would all get better and turn out to be the 'happy ever after/everything's ok' that some people so have been wanting. And conversely, I wish I could make myself face the truths about things, about myself, and just make the needed changes, and quit prolonging the hurt for me and the others around me. I need a spine, I need guts, I need a clue.
But anyway, whatever, enough. a
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2003-01-20 04:29 pm (UTC)You. ~pokes you gently between the eyes~ Stop it. Stop trying to punish yourself, I can tell you you're wrong, you don't deserve it. It's not going to make it better my friend, trust me way too much practice at this end. It doesn't. It just makes you sicker at heart than you already are.
And it makes me sick at heart to hear you say it. Wish I could be there to sweep you away and distract you. Wish I could show you a path and walk it with you to keep you company. Please take it easy on yourself my friend. Try to find a quiet moment to step back and give yourself a break. There's nothing wrong with being overwhelmed, but I know you and you are good and you are strong. And it will be alright.
Re:
Date: 2003-01-22 10:25 am (UTC)Ahhh, but I really didn't mean to get all negative again. I've unloaded on people enough already. Just...I am trying to work on things, but I'm still at a lost/overwhelmed point at the moment. And it's kinda tough to get motivated, as going forward goes to places I'm scared of. Eh, but there I go again. ANyway, still not sure what I'm thinking/doing about it all, but...it's just nice to have people who are supporting me. *extrahugs, holds you tight* Thank you for letting me lean and all that.
--Di
(no subject)
Date: 2003-01-20 10:38 pm (UTC)Talking like that makes me an Unhappy Kenji, Di. Sure, I'm not a liscened therapist or anything, (Or someone with good skills at sending stuff out, as I still have to mail you your packages. XP), but I really don't like when my friends talk about hurting themselves. Vent, whatever, just don't actually do anything stupid, ne?
We should get some sort of group chat, or board, or something going...it was fun.
Anyway, you know I'm always available to talk to, IM, email, or LJ comment, whatever. Just let me know if you need me, and I'll show up! Even if you don't need direct contact, just know I'm always rooting for ya, ok?
Re:
Date: 2003-01-21 11:40 am (UTC)Thanks for always being there--it means more than I can express. And yeah, even some sort of AIM chat that we can drag ourselves and others into would be good, really good.
*extrahugs*
--Di
(no subject)
Date: 2003-01-21 07:34 am (UTC)Phones work, if you need me, I will call *smooch*
Re:
Date: 2003-01-21 11:25 am (UTC)I really do owe you a call one of these days, though, to catch up. Might not be right away--I have to be out tonight, and to be honest, I tend to not like to make even social phone calls when James is around. It's just easier those times when I have the house to myself and have some actual privacy, even when not discussing anything serious.
*extrahugs* But thanks for reminding me that you're out there--I need to boot myself in the head to remember folks, sometimes, as I can be dense. And I still haven't told you how much I liked that YYH fic you did recently (Christmas Flames, was it?) I enjoyed it very much, and thought you did great work with that--I liked seeing Shizuru focused on, as she's such an interesting character.
Anyway, will talk to you later, I promise.
--Di