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whitereflectionAh, Wednesday. Wednesday, Wednesday, Wednesday. Today I will make a supreme effort to stay in a good mood. I'm even listening to Enya--yeah, I know a lot of folks mock her music, but it really does a nifty job of keeping me tranquil. And if I can stay peaceful and calm, I will keep from doing the mood roller coaster thing.
See...the thing is, Wednesdays are when James (the occasionally mentioned SO) and I go to talk to our friend Michael. Michael's a Methodist minister, and where I'm not very religious, and not even very spiritual anymore (I could cheerfully be non-practicing anything for the rest of my life, I think), he's someone I'm actually willing and able to listen to. He's the only Christian religious type I feel actually lives as he believes--he's one of the few people I believe to *truly* have a pure white light within him. (Would you believe I got to know him through an anime club that led to RPGs? He runs a fun Star Trek game, lemme tell ya. :) He's the biggest scifi fan I know, too.)
Anyway, Michael does counseling for us. It feels strange to say that, as I've been told by many people how great they think James and I are doing together. But things can get really fscked up at times--I think it started some years ago, as we began to change, which naturally happens to people. But it really started to go to heck during and after the "Kat incident". Everyone here basically knows about this, I believe--either you had to deal with it directly, or you saw me rant about it on the Jar forums when someone tried to play the "coma" game. (That pissed me off so damn much. That guy better have been telling the truth when he said it was his roommates that posted that...)
So things around that time really fragmented, and...well, long and the short of it, is Michael has been trying to help us with things. It is a hell of a lot better than it was back then--when I thought it all was seriously broken for good. Not that it's perfect, now, since I have some major, major personal issues (which I've only vaguely alluded to here, and have only discussed in detail with Michael. It's not something I feel I can truly talk about with anyone else, *certainly* not James). But Wednesday nights are always the nights we go hang out with Michael.
Why am I talking about this? Frankly, I'm not sure. But I guess...in a way it's trying to explain why I'm always in a very bad mood on Wednesdays, and why I'm more stressed and prone to freaking out early in the week. Because even just going makes me very tense, and even when things are good, the whole discussion/counselling thing can be very difficult, even painful to go through.
And it doesn't help when I still have so many doubts...about myself, about my future, about what I'm doing and working for. So many times I wonder whether I'm walking the right path, or whether I'm just doing "the right thing" and being the perpetual good girl (ie. doing what others want, what will keep others happy and keep them from being disappointed or considering me a failure). I mean...what do I really feel? You'd think I of all people would know that. But I just can't tell for certain, sometimes.
Hm. I think I'm getting too serious and ponder-y. That's not good, at the moment--it dredges up the darker things that will sabotage my intentions to stay in a good mood. Guess I should just go listen to Enya and be quiet and try to just not think too much in a meditate-y sort of way.
Okay, shutting up now.
See...the thing is, Wednesdays are when James (the occasionally mentioned SO) and I go to talk to our friend Michael. Michael's a Methodist minister, and where I'm not very religious, and not even very spiritual anymore (I could cheerfully be non-practicing anything for the rest of my life, I think), he's someone I'm actually willing and able to listen to. He's the only Christian religious type I feel actually lives as he believes--he's one of the few people I believe to *truly* have a pure white light within him. (Would you believe I got to know him through an anime club that led to RPGs? He runs a fun Star Trek game, lemme tell ya. :) He's the biggest scifi fan I know, too.)
Anyway, Michael does counseling for us. It feels strange to say that, as I've been told by many people how great they think James and I are doing together. But things can get really fscked up at times--I think it started some years ago, as we began to change, which naturally happens to people. But it really started to go to heck during and after the "Kat incident". Everyone here basically knows about this, I believe--either you had to deal with it directly, or you saw me rant about it on the Jar forums when someone tried to play the "coma" game. (That pissed me off so damn much. That guy better have been telling the truth when he said it was his roommates that posted that...)
So things around that time really fragmented, and...well, long and the short of it, is Michael has been trying to help us with things. It is a hell of a lot better than it was back then--when I thought it all was seriously broken for good. Not that it's perfect, now, since I have some major, major personal issues (which I've only vaguely alluded to here, and have only discussed in detail with Michael. It's not something I feel I can truly talk about with anyone else, *certainly* not James). But Wednesday nights are always the nights we go hang out with Michael.
Why am I talking about this? Frankly, I'm not sure. But I guess...in a way it's trying to explain why I'm always in a very bad mood on Wednesdays, and why I'm more stressed and prone to freaking out early in the week. Because even just going makes me very tense, and even when things are good, the whole discussion/counselling thing can be very difficult, even painful to go through.
And it doesn't help when I still have so many doubts...about myself, about my future, about what I'm doing and working for. So many times I wonder whether I'm walking the right path, or whether I'm just doing "the right thing" and being the perpetual good girl (ie. doing what others want, what will keep others happy and keep them from being disappointed or considering me a failure). I mean...what do I really feel? You'd think I of all people would know that. But I just can't tell for certain, sometimes.
Hm. I think I'm getting too serious and ponder-y. That's not good, at the moment--it dredges up the darker things that will sabotage my intentions to stay in a good mood. Guess I should just go listen to Enya and be quiet and try to just not think too much in a meditate-y sort of way.
Okay, shutting up now.
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Enya is wonderful. Her stuff was used in one of my favorite movies of all time, before I even knew who she was. Very relaxing.
*drags Diane in and lays her down on the couch, then after a moment reverts to Kea-neko and curls up next to her*
Having doubts isn't a crime. And it doesn't mean something is wrong with you. Doubt is one of the best defense mechanisms we have, it keeps us from blindly running off into things that might otherwise hurt us. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Heh, keep in mind that this is advice coming from someone who compulsively conceals her weaknesses. ^^;;; Never said I was good at doing what was good for me. Perhaps we'll learn together, a little bit at a time.
I am really happy that you've got such a friend like Michael to help you through these times. These days, I have to agree that I haven't the same concept of religion and its place in my life I once did, but..you know? I still believe in God, the world works in way too many wondrous ways for there not to be some power greater than our own at work. People are in your life for a reason, often right at the time you need them. Being at least willing to talk to another person about what is eating you in your life is a huge positive step, one which not everyone is willing to take. *raises hand* For that, I am exceptionally proud of you.
Ultimately, Michael is there to help you, to offer his insight and counsel, but the decisions are ultimately up to you and James as long as there is still a plural you. I've met James, I envied you his willingness to meet your friends, etc - Paul was there but did anyone get to meet him? No, because he's not into that kind of thing. I can understand on so many levels the things that keep someone as part of a couple when there are days they'd really rather not be. Loving someone is one of the greatest challenges we can ever undertake, because far more often than not, that love means putting their needs and desires ahead of our own.
But, if there should come a time where together is not the best thing for Diane, know you will be met with love and understanding and support. And chocolate. ^_^ Lots of chocolate.
*un-neko's and hugs Diane even more*
--nokoru
Re:
Date: 2002-02-28 02:21 pm (UTC)As far as talking to Michael goes...it will be a long time and a lot more work before anything can be decided for sure. At the least, I spent some extra time talking some things with him on my own. I don't necessarily feel upbeat, or entirely positive, but at least I got to talk--and to *discuss* as he gave much input and thoughts. It helps, at least to keep me thinking and analyzing myself.
*extra hugs* Love you bunches for being you. :)
--Di