empty please refill

[whitereflection]

Back to the 4am insomnia a lot again lately. Too bad I can't be productive during those hours and get something done with them--just end up awake but mostly useless. Today especially am extra dead, though--other than driving Mom to her errands and reading a short fic over for someone, all I can do is nap (earlier) or stare (currently). There's stuff I should be doing but all I want to do is sleep again. Which won't help come tonight but even with caffeine there's just no energy at all left. Have even run out of energy for reading, and I mean come on, how hard is it to *read*? Dear self, way to be a waste of oxygen. (And it's stupid, I think hey, at least I get up no later than 8-9 or even as early as 6, but how getting up and then napping a lot different than just sleeping in super late?)

Over the past couple days the songs For Blue Skies by Strays Don't Sleep, Turn and Turn Again by All Thieves, and The Trapeze Swinger by Iron & Wine have made me not just cry, but sob/weep. Fuck you, hormones, fuck you (I was never this bad when I was in my teens/20s. I just, I mean, what.)

As much as I hate Nebraska, I'm glad I'm not having to worry about a tropical storm/hurricane right now. :x Stay safe down there, folks.


Minorly gross bit and really gross (sort of bug-related) bit.


Was walking in some sort of forest/woods with someone, someone female. Not sure if it was someone I just felt I knew, or if it was someone specific and I've just lost that detail since I woke up. It was cloudy, and I think it was like it was late fall/winter in appearance, but I don't remember it being cold. We were talking and as we walked, I was eating a peach and it was really good. But for some reason I split it apart, and had an ohshit moment when I realized in around the peach pit looked like it had spots of a brightish green mold.

But then another part of the inner surface of the peach had what looked like shiny white dots on it, all tightly packed and covering the surface like small round seeds or fish roe. And then the really gross bit.

I suddenly started worrying they were worms, stacked on end. So I threw the peach halves down, and then there were maggots down where I threw the halves/pit (slightly hard to see, was looking from standing and it was sort of in dead leaves/plant matter of some sort?) And I remember starting to freak out and feeling sick, and sort of trying to gag like I was going to make myself be sick. And I started spitting, and that's when I woke up, to myself with my face pressed against the folded blanket I was lying on, actually trying to spit (face even felt damp where pressed against the blanket).

Am grateful I didn't wake up to having successfully made myself get sick. >_> Wrote this down because it was vivid and coherent, and I actually remembered most of it. All of which is extremely, extremely rare for me. Wondering if its one of those dreams that means something. Could be some random neurons firing that picked up on a feeling from when I was pitting those cherries recently--because they were getting old and were homegrown, there were a lot with bad bits I had to sort out, some of which I didn't see were bad until I'd pitted them and could see inside. So, maybe.

(Also when I woke up--had slept about an hour and a half--I was *exhausted*. Now I just feel really tired and groggy.)

Comments

[kros-21.livejournal.com]

oh darling, is there something worrying you?
because usually I can't sleep when something is on my mind.
and yeah, it would be cool if we could at least make good use of those hours. But the body is tired, it just can't rest.... :/

[whitereflection.livejournal.com]

I'm honestly not sure, other than the usual things that tend to be on my mind. Insomnia is something that just seems to come and go, at times really frequently. It's done this more and more over the last year, though it's been a problem for the last 3-5 years. Just one of those things that I'm working on trying to control. ^^;

[joseishijin.livejournal.com]

When I nap during the day, I often have very vivid and usually unpleasant dreams. Guilt over sleeping during the day???

Hope your sleep schedule gets better (although JP stays up late and sleeps in and that's just how his body is programmed...when he tries to force himself into a "regular" schedule, his sleep patterns, mood, etc. become crappy).

[whitereflection.livejournal.com]

I've wondered at times if it's just my Circadian rhythm wants to be nocturnal, or close to it. It isn't something that used to be the case, but I'm wondering if it can change, and that's what started to happen to me these last few years? My biggest issue is that I *need* to be functional in the same hours that my husband and the household is, so I can't really give in to it. Especially since we have only one car, and whenever I need it I have to be the husband's ride to work, heh.

[ditta-spn.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you can't sleep!!!

And that's what I call a dream!! LOL