(no subject)
Nov. 20th, 2008 11:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
whitereflectionI knew it. I fucking fucking knew it. If I had the time, I know I could look back in my posts, and find where I first loaned money to a certain friend and expressed concern that by doing so I was starting a bad precedent. Sure, that loan got paid back...but this year alone, in what, the last 4-6 months, she's asked for large sums of money three more times. The last couple already haven't been paid back, nor do I think they ever will be. But this latest one...I keep giving, and giving, and it's a *lot*, and it always makes me feel ill. Because yes, we *have*...but how much am I to support another person, when I'm already trying to support my own household? How much do you give, when you know the other person is just utterly hitting rock bottom, but you can't afford to be dragged down with--because they can't fix what's going wrong?
I don't know, I really don't. We've had so many expenses this year with the house and the cats, and with things like insurance costs going up drastically. There's major house projects in the future, and I have to have that savings still there for when those happen. He may earn ok still, but I'm earning minimum wage with no benefits at 30hours a week. I have to be careful with our resources.
But seriously, what do I do when someone's going to the food bank, has no way to cover rent/car ins/medicines, and has just lost their job--and they're coming to me for more aid? I can't keep trying to fill the bucket when her bucket's full of holes, and her life is an avalanche downhill and she might not be capable of fixing it? I mean, I can't turn my back on a friend, but good fucking god, I can't afford to support her/her mother too.
It's obvious it's an again and again thing. We're the easy source now. I can't keep being her bailout. I think I know what the decision has to be, since as the usual him said, it's not what our decision is but how we're going to say it. But I think it's going to be an utterly bad thing to say no, but either yes or no in this case is very damned if you do damned if you don't. On the one hand, she's one step away from being homeless, unless she can get her head together and get a new job and actually work without being on mental medical leave all the time (but how the hell is she going to pay for the meds barely keeping her going as is...?)--on the other, I *can't* be her source of support, and our savings is *needed* for the house related repairs coming up. And I worry that saying no will cause a blowup, and or a breakdown. Or both. And everything that results after could very well be labelled as our fault.
Need to sleep on it, though it's not going away. Makes me feel ill and worried and guilty and pretty much is the nail in the coffin about my feelings on what a godawful horrible person I am.
(In other news, I dislike my job--gasp the surprise--and I suck at it utterly, and it's amazing how hard I'm *trying* for something that pays so terribly and has no benefits when I slacked at one that paid well/compensated well wtf is wrong with me. And in the end I'm failing anyway--yet the thing I slacked at I succeeded at...wtf. And in game I'm sucking, 75 sure but I'm stuck in that soloing it all because everyone else is higher/lower/separated into little groups for doing shit--at least on a PVE server it doesn't mean getting ganked, just getting tired of hearing/seeing people in groups having fun and just being on my own. I think getting through the Christmas season is going to be hell on many fronts.) I'm too tired for this. I wish life would go away and leave me alone.
I don't know, I really don't. We've had so many expenses this year with the house and the cats, and with things like insurance costs going up drastically. There's major house projects in the future, and I have to have that savings still there for when those happen. He may earn ok still, but I'm earning minimum wage with no benefits at 30hours a week. I have to be careful with our resources.
But seriously, what do I do when someone's going to the food bank, has no way to cover rent/car ins/medicines, and has just lost their job--and they're coming to me for more aid? I can't keep trying to fill the bucket when her bucket's full of holes, and her life is an avalanche downhill and she might not be capable of fixing it? I mean, I can't turn my back on a friend, but good fucking god, I can't afford to support her/her mother too.
It's obvious it's an again and again thing. We're the easy source now. I can't keep being her bailout. I think I know what the decision has to be, since as the usual him said, it's not what our decision is but how we're going to say it. But I think it's going to be an utterly bad thing to say no, but either yes or no in this case is very damned if you do damned if you don't. On the one hand, she's one step away from being homeless, unless she can get her head together and get a new job and actually work without being on mental medical leave all the time (but how the hell is she going to pay for the meds barely keeping her going as is...?)--on the other, I *can't* be her source of support, and our savings is *needed* for the house related repairs coming up. And I worry that saying no will cause a blowup, and or a breakdown. Or both. And everything that results after could very well be labelled as our fault.
Need to sleep on it, though it's not going away. Makes me feel ill and worried and guilty and pretty much is the nail in the coffin about my feelings on what a godawful horrible person I am.
(In other news, I dislike my job--gasp the surprise--and I suck at it utterly, and it's amazing how hard I'm *trying* for something that pays so terribly and has no benefits when I slacked at one that paid well/compensated well wtf is wrong with me. And in the end I'm failing anyway--yet the thing I slacked at I succeeded at...wtf. And in game I'm sucking, 75 sure but I'm stuck in that soloing it all because everyone else is higher/lower/separated into little groups for doing shit--at least on a PVE server it doesn't mean getting ganked, just getting tired of hearing/seeing people in groups having fun and just being on my own. I think getting through the Christmas season is going to be hell on many fronts.) I'm too tired for this. I wish life would go away and leave me alone.
