Stream of consciousness

[whitereflection]

Anyway, so night before last I got upset at some stuff, and banged my hand really good on a wall--no big deal really. But for some reason it started bugging me yesterday afternoon--made typing difficult, which was just great for work. I took a break from that sorta thing last night--and considering I only had a couple hours of work this am as we went to Lincoln for a workship, I was able to rest it more today. It's feeling mostly better now, just a bit stiff. But in the end, it's my own stupid fault. Ironically, I do have a workbook from Michael on dealing with anger. I just haven't read it yet--won't fix anything instantly anyway. But I guess I could find something that helps. *shrugs*

Coming back from the workshop, we stopped out at the outlet mall, and Anj found the purple Swiss army knife she's always been looking for at Chicago Cutlery. She was rather happy. I picked up an 8-in-1 tool for my keychain, and a translucent blue Swiss army knife with blade, file/flathead screwdriver, scissors, bottle opener/phillipshead screwdriver, tweezers and refillable ballpoint pen (I fscking *love* that pen part). The gadget fiend/vaguely butch person in me is muchly amused. *smirks*

There's rumor (well, more than a rumor--the paper reported it) that the town adjacent to Omaha in Iowa, Council Bluffs (aka Counciltucky or Armpit-of-Iowa) is going to use their casino revenue to build an amusement park. I have to admit, much as I hate that they're using gambling to fuel their tourism industry (heyyy, wasn't that money supposed to go to education...?), I'd like to see an amusment park--we haven't had something like that around since Omaha's crappy Peony Park closed a decade ago. Fun Plex here now just don't count. Anyway, if this place actually gets built, I hope they do it right, with decent roller coasters and and theme rides. ...I'd be very tempted to find a good permanent job at a place like that. I've always wanted to work some sort of thing like that--if I could move, I'd *so* work at DisneyWorld, or even SixFlags, Universal, hell even Worlds of Fun.

Been pondering the past few weeks something that occurred to me--I want to live in Seattle. I want it so strongly that sometimes it almost hurts (don't ask me why). Yet this isn't a place I'd *choose* to move, really--I mean, I love it there, and my Mom and brother live there. But...I've always wanted to move to where my friends are. Like OKC, or wherever Nix is, or CA or FLA or VA--someplace like that. Seattle, it'd be no different than here, in that I'd be too far to visit those I love most, too far for them to visit me. But I want to be there, I really, really want to move there. ...not that I ever could. In the end, I'm stuck here. But that doesn't seem to stop me feeling that way. *sigh* Odd.

Oh, another way I'm a freak--past few days, I've been reading...dear god...QuiGon/ObiWan fanfics. Don't fscking ask me why, I dunno. I mean, not that the bunch of us here weren't singing "The Ambiguously Gay Jedi" after seeing Phantom Menace, but still. I just don't understand me. I'm working my way through this goddamnedhuge archive--maybe I'll eradicate whatever gremlin is possessing my brain by going through it all. At least I can still repect myself for reading stuff on the Clampesque board. That, I feel, is more 'normal' somehow. (Same horrid cliches in the Q/O fandom as everwhere else, no surprise--tho not as much feminization...but still pregnancy ><;;;; , rape, death, yada yada yada. I guess it's not specific to a certain show, or to anime in general. Weird.)

Was reminded the other night now very much I love the Eva song "Komm Susser Tod". It's so sick and twisted and happy and dark--the sort of thing that I could listen to while crying and laughing hysterically and screaming all at once. I know Dad always says he wants them to play Amazing Grace at his funeral--they can play Komm Susser Tod at mine. That, and Blue from Cowboy Bebop. Yeah, I know, odd...*shrugs* Just what occurred to me.

...someday I should write a Seishirou/Subaru songfic to Blue. *ponders* Dunno what I'd do with it, but it just occurrs to me. *shrugs*

...and for the hell of it:



I know, I know I've let you down
I've been a fool to myself
I thought that I could
live for no one else
But now through all the hurt and pain
It's time for me to respect
the ones you love
mean more than anything
So with sadness in my heart
I feel the best thing I could do
is end it all
and leave forever
what's done is done, it feels so bad
what once was happy now is sad
I'll never love again
my world is ending

I wish that I could turn back time
'cause now the guilt is all mine
can't live without the trust from those you love.
I know we can't forget the past
you can't forget love and pride
because of that it's killing me inside

It all returns to nothing, it all comes
tumbling down, tumbling down,
tumbling down,
it all returns to nothing, I just keep
letting me down, letting me down,
letting me down,
in my heart of hearts,
I know that I could never love again
I've lost everything
everything
that matters to me,
matters in this world

I wish that I could turn back time
'cause now all the guilt is mine
can't live without
the trust from those you love
I know we can't forget the past
you can't forget love and pride
because of that, it's killing me inside

It all returns to nothing, it just keeps
tumbling down, tumbling down,
tumbling down
it all returns to nothing, I just keep
letting me down, letting me down,
letting me down
It all returns to nothing, it just keeps
tumbling down, tumbling down,
tumbling down
it all returns to nothing, I just keep
letting me down, letting me down,
letting me down
tumbling down, tumbling down,
tumbling down
letting me down, letting me down,
letting me down
tumbling down, tumbling down,
tumbling down
letting me down, letting me down,
letting me down


...yeah, I know, sick-assed stuff. *shakes head* I'm a freak for liking it.

Comments

[mixmastatiki.livejournal.com]

I looooooooooooooooove that song!

Seattle ::sigh::

[chyldeofnyte.livejournal.com]

All my life I've wanted to move there. For me, it just calls because of the rain, the clouds, the mists, the mountains, and the pine trees! All the things that the shifter wishes to enclose self in. ::grin::

That was until I saw some place even more heaven on earth, Vancouver! All the things of Seattle but with being Canadian so it just seems cleaner, and huge Asian population with tons of anime connections!

But my favorite comment is that if I ever get out there, I'm never coming back! Yet like you, that would place me too far from family and friends, so ::sigh:: I'll be stuck in Illinois till I pass and then they can maybe sprinkle my ashes there.

::hugs::

Re: Seattle ::sigh::

[whitereflection.livejournal.com]

I've visited Vancouver, and the surrounding areas (Victoria, etc.) I really enjoyed it--in fact, I've always liked it on the few times I've gotten to cross the border up there. Of course, I've never gotten to go *very* far north, but still. :) And once when visiting Glacier Park in Montana, my family took a trip to the Canadian side of it--Waterton Park--and that was *gorgeous*! I want to go back someday.

Man, if I ever do somehow get to move to Seattle, I'll definitely have to drag you up there for visits. Heh, and your ashes wouldn't be alone--my mother who lives up there has already said she wants to be sprinkled over the mountains and the Sound. ^__^

*many hugs back*