Apologies...
Jul. 2nd, 2002 08:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
whitereflectionTo those I was around last night. I was not the way I should have been. Gomen nasai...
I'm still...very worked up about the woman who screwed me over in traffic on the way home from work yesterday. Right, hadn't mentioned that yet. Basically, there's a really bad merge on Dodge St due to construction--it's extremely, extremely heavy traffic, so it's ugly. Anyway, I'm Ms.nice person, and tend to make sure there's space in front of me to allow one or two folks to merge in--it's the 'take your turn' thing, where everyone kinda does that. It basically works and keeps things flowing basically smoothly, though slowly.
So I do my usual, allow a couple folks in, when this gal in a white car decides it's her job to screw me up the ass, figuratively of course. She races up along my right side and starts jamming her way in. Well, I'm sorry, but I'd allowed a couple folks in already, and had moved up behind them, and there *WASN'T ROOM ANYMORE*--she should have tried to get in behind me, or if there wasn't room, wait until there was a gap like any *normal* human being in traffic there. But she keeps trying to push the nose of her car into the six inches of space in front of me--basically, the message is that I should back off, stop to let more of a space develop and let her in. But traffic starts to move forward, and I start to move forward and she *KEEPS* pushing in. If I'd keep going, she's worked it that I'd end up hitting her. So I start screaming at her, she is screaming at me--excuse me, *WHY* is she screaming at me when she's the one being the cocksucking asshole BITCH, tell me this *PLEASE*??!--and yeah we start exchanging hand gestures and screaming more. But in the end, when traffic kept moving, she prevented me from going forward, and forced her "I'm so superior to you" ass in front of me.
I nearly rammed her. I'm serious, I started to gun it, but something made me brake. If I kept a rachet wrench in the car like my Dad does, I *SO* would have gotten out and beat dents in her car, broken her windows, hell beat dents in her goddamned head. I'm serious, this wasn't me getting just angry. This was me getting furious, feeling more of a rage than I almost ever have before. This goddamned bitch basically took advantage of me being nice to someone else, and used it to force *her* wishes on *me*, and thus screw me over.
And I was absolutely helpless, absolutely powerless to do anything about it. All I could do is let it happen to me. This is so very typical of my life. I don't have the size, the strength, the charisma, the force of will, the intelligence, the wealth, the what-have-you to keep others from treating me like a fucking doormat. It ALWAYS ends up that I'm the one to submit, to cave in, to give up. I always end up the doormat, the passive one that gets screwed over.
I took the next exit, got onto the interstate even though it was heading away from where I wanted to go, just to get out from behind that bitch. I was so damned furious, I just had to get away, even if it meant going out of my way to do so. But I was so damned angry, I almost couldn't breathe--and there was no place I could vent it. There was nothing to beat on, nothing to break, nothing I could do but scream helplessly and...shit, this is what pisses me off the most...end up crying. I want to be tough, I want to be strong--but no, I end up crying. What a weak, pansy-assed, girly, *pathetic* thing to do. I am such a goddamned wuss.
I can't seem to stop being mad. And bitter. Yeah, I'm giving up on being nice in traffic. Screw everyone else. You be nice out there, and people either don't notice, don't care, or they screw you for it.
And what really pisses me off at myself is that I dumped my mood all over those I care about most. You guys didn't deserve that. And I should have explained right then and there why I was so pissy, so you didn't have to wonder what the hell was wrong with me. I owed you that, at the least. I'm sorry. I really hate how I've been to you all lately. I haven't been there when you've needed me. I haven't been fun--I've been abrasive, a drain to be around. I've been petty and jealous of the attention given others.
I feel so bad it hurts when I realize that those of you who've been down and having rough times of it have found solace and healing in other people--but not in me, as much as I want to be that for you. But how could I be what brings you up when I've been like this? I've been helpful to no one; I have not brought joy to anyone by just being there as I have in the past. And it's my own fault.
Forgive me for being so damned worthless and useless right now. At the least, I am recognizing that the way I'm acting and feeling is wrong, so hopefully I can find a way of changing it as quickly as damned possible.
*****
...it occurs to me, suddenly, and I'm not sure why, why not writing has been worrying me so much. Do you know that almost every single person I know, online and in RL, writes? And basically everyone I am closest to writes in groups. It's this wonderful, satisfying thing, that everyone shares...but me. I want to be a part of it, but I can't seem to make myself actually go through it--and I end up feeling outside. And that may be why I *can't* actually make myself write, because I'm not wanting to do it for the writing's sake, but so I can be part of it with everyone else, instead of being kind of alone, isolated from it all. I'm not wanting to do it for the right reasons...so I can't. I'm guessing that if I really wanted to write for writing's sake, to be able to create in that manner, I'd be able to with no problems.
*shrugs* Weird tangent, yeah. But I think it makes sense in a way. I don't think it's enough to want to create something just so you can be part of a group, to be like everyone else. You have to truly *want* to create, whether it be to write, do artwork, whatever, to really be successful at it.
...anyway. *shrugs*
I'm still...very worked up about the woman who screwed me over in traffic on the way home from work yesterday. Right, hadn't mentioned that yet. Basically, there's a really bad merge on Dodge St due to construction--it's extremely, extremely heavy traffic, so it's ugly. Anyway, I'm Ms.nice person, and tend to make sure there's space in front of me to allow one or two folks to merge in--it's the 'take your turn' thing, where everyone kinda does that. It basically works and keeps things flowing basically smoothly, though slowly.
So I do my usual, allow a couple folks in, when this gal in a white car decides it's her job to screw me up the ass, figuratively of course. She races up along my right side and starts jamming her way in. Well, I'm sorry, but I'd allowed a couple folks in already, and had moved up behind them, and there *WASN'T ROOM ANYMORE*--she should have tried to get in behind me, or if there wasn't room, wait until there was a gap like any *normal* human being in traffic there. But she keeps trying to push the nose of her car into the six inches of space in front of me--basically, the message is that I should back off, stop to let more of a space develop and let her in. But traffic starts to move forward, and I start to move forward and she *KEEPS* pushing in. If I'd keep going, she's worked it that I'd end up hitting her. So I start screaming at her, she is screaming at me--excuse me, *WHY* is she screaming at me when she's the one being the cocksucking asshole BITCH, tell me this *PLEASE*??!--and yeah we start exchanging hand gestures and screaming more. But in the end, when traffic kept moving, she prevented me from going forward, and forced her "I'm so superior to you" ass in front of me.
I nearly rammed her. I'm serious, I started to gun it, but something made me brake. If I kept a rachet wrench in the car like my Dad does, I *SO* would have gotten out and beat dents in her car, broken her windows, hell beat dents in her goddamned head. I'm serious, this wasn't me getting just angry. This was me getting furious, feeling more of a rage than I almost ever have before. This goddamned bitch basically took advantage of me being nice to someone else, and used it to force *her* wishes on *me*, and thus screw me over.
And I was absolutely helpless, absolutely powerless to do anything about it. All I could do is let it happen to me. This is so very typical of my life. I don't have the size, the strength, the charisma, the force of will, the intelligence, the wealth, the what-have-you to keep others from treating me like a fucking doormat. It ALWAYS ends up that I'm the one to submit, to cave in, to give up. I always end up the doormat, the passive one that gets screwed over.
I took the next exit, got onto the interstate even though it was heading away from where I wanted to go, just to get out from behind that bitch. I was so damned furious, I just had to get away, even if it meant going out of my way to do so. But I was so damned angry, I almost couldn't breathe--and there was no place I could vent it. There was nothing to beat on, nothing to break, nothing I could do but scream helplessly and...shit, this is what pisses me off the most...end up crying. I want to be tough, I want to be strong--but no, I end up crying. What a weak, pansy-assed, girly, *pathetic* thing to do. I am such a goddamned wuss.
I can't seem to stop being mad. And bitter. Yeah, I'm giving up on being nice in traffic. Screw everyone else. You be nice out there, and people either don't notice, don't care, or they screw you for it.
And what really pisses me off at myself is that I dumped my mood all over those I care about most. You guys didn't deserve that. And I should have explained right then and there why I was so pissy, so you didn't have to wonder what the hell was wrong with me. I owed you that, at the least. I'm sorry. I really hate how I've been to you all lately. I haven't been there when you've needed me. I haven't been fun--I've been abrasive, a drain to be around. I've been petty and jealous of the attention given others.
I feel so bad it hurts when I realize that those of you who've been down and having rough times of it have found solace and healing in other people--but not in me, as much as I want to be that for you. But how could I be what brings you up when I've been like this? I've been helpful to no one; I have not brought joy to anyone by just being there as I have in the past. And it's my own fault.
Forgive me for being so damned worthless and useless right now. At the least, I am recognizing that the way I'm acting and feeling is wrong, so hopefully I can find a way of changing it as quickly as damned possible.
*****
...it occurs to me, suddenly, and I'm not sure why, why not writing has been worrying me so much. Do you know that almost every single person I know, online and in RL, writes? And basically everyone I am closest to writes in groups. It's this wonderful, satisfying thing, that everyone shares...but me. I want to be a part of it, but I can't seem to make myself actually go through it--and I end up feeling outside. And that may be why I *can't* actually make myself write, because I'm not wanting to do it for the writing's sake, but so I can be part of it with everyone else, instead of being kind of alone, isolated from it all. I'm not wanting to do it for the right reasons...so I can't. I'm guessing that if I really wanted to write for writing's sake, to be able to create in that manner, I'd be able to with no problems.
*shrugs* Weird tangent, yeah. But I think it makes sense in a way. I don't think it's enough to want to create something just so you can be part of a group, to be like everyone else. You have to truly *want* to create, whether it be to write, do artwork, whatever, to really be successful at it.
...anyway. *shrugs*
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2002-07-02 12:34 pm (UTC)I wish I could give you something of comfort, but, in honestly, don't worry about your reactions to any of it, I can't really see anything wrong. I got into a simular situation at a Tom Petty concert... we decided to try and beat the rush, just like ten thousand other people, it wasn't such a giving situation as a freeway, but we were playing one after another and a truck full of teenage guys pulls the same stupid stunt, and after getting out of the car and actually screaming at them (it had been a while... I was pissy ::sheepish::) they forced into the place... my only evil satisfaction with the situation is that two cars later they tried to do the same stunt and got crunched. I felt guilty for cheering for months after. ::snuggles:: it's the small things that pile up, the big things.. it's easy to get help, get support, because there's millions of things out there.. it's the little stuff that's the most difficult.
::smiles:: I want you to write because you're good, and I have proof of it. ::snuggles:: if this helps you find your way of doing it, then I'm all for it. ::grins:: you can even borrow my muse, chaos knows the bugger's not helping me.
love you, girl
~Nix~
Re:
Date: 2002-07-03 06:25 am (UTC)And I'm sorry for not being there, and actually sorry that I'm wallowing in moods for such little reason when you're dealing with so much right now. I felt so disgusted with myself when I read what you've been having to keep quiet about your Dad...you're having to be so strong, and here I am bitching about crap. *extra extra hugs* Just know that even when I'm lost in my crap here, I'm thinking and praying and whatever as much as I possibly can about the whole situation. I'll update Michael, too, so maybe he can have his church members pray a bit extra.
*many hugs* I miss you much, and wish I could work out a way of seeing you somehow... If I can't catch you on AIM, I promise I'll find a way to get ahold of you by phone or something, soon. Daisuki desu yo, itooshi--zutto, zutto...*sighs, hugs*
--Me
Damn dumbass drivers!
Date: 2002-07-02 02:01 pm (UTC)During moving, I found one solution was to get a huge-ass 15 foot moving truck, and white knuckle drive it on the interstate... even if you're going slow, people do *not* fuck with you.. especially if you weave back and forth a bit.. not enough that you're out of your lane, but just enough that it's apparent that you are *not* experienced.. it works even better if they can see you as the driver and you are beet red in the face from moving, hunched over the wheel, and have that "I'm gonna die or kill someone" panic striken look.
*HUGS*
Re: Damn dumbass drivers!
Date: 2002-07-03 06:26 am (UTC)I'm glad your move went smoothly--been thinking about ya much. I hope settling in proves to be a bit fun, at least. :) *extrahugs* Love ya bunches!
(no subject)
Date: 2002-07-02 10:46 pm (UTC)I don't really write, remember? ;) I have a very hard time just "writing." I WANT to create, more than anything, but I still have problems. Everyone does, no matter how easy they make it look. You do manage to creat quite a bit though. You always manage to create a smile on my face when I talk to you, or hear from you. :)
Re:
Date: 2002-07-03 06:33 am (UTC)But thanks...I really, really do appreciate what you say here. Logically, I do know what you're saying is right. I just tend to feel otherwise, especially when I do get upset--I guess it's that I'm very "Mars" so to speak (like the whole Mars/Venus thing), and I tend to often be very controlled and hold things in, especially if I view the feelings as 'not being strong'. It's good to have people to remind me that's not healthy when I get like that.
*manyhugs* Thank you, I so mean that. I don't say often enough what an awesome, caring person you are, and how much I value that. And I'm really trying to be more calm and feel better, so don't worry. :)
--Di