DO NOT WANT
Jan. 18th, 2007 02:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
whitereflectionI just looked up, and noticed the Milton from Office Space sticker I have taped to my soon-to-be-former cubicle wall, and it's got the quote "I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then I'm quitting." And I want to laugh. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Laugh and laugh until I cry, because yes.
Desk move happens Monday. So fucking fast. And was told yesterday that--as I suspected--I'm not allowed to use my iPod anymore. His area does not use headphones, because one cannot concentrate on work if listening to music, and we are here to work and listening to music is not work. So. Sitting 8 hours a day, being stared at, in silence.
I feel sick.
Seriously. I knew it was coming, but as it's all finally coming together, I'm just sick at it. I think I'm literally cracking. The job thing isn't going fast enough, isn't going *at all*, and I'm desperate. And I need to take time off to get more apps going, to find *something*--but I'm buried and there's meetings and I have no time to take time off.
I know it sounds stupid, the iPod should be no big deal. But it's about having things taken away--having stupid little creature comforts or unofficial benefits that made the crap pay of this job worthwhile taken away. Knowing that if I walk a half a room away, I can see where I once had privacy, could listen to my iPod, could eat at my desk, could ask for time off at a moment's notice. Feeling like--despite how I've been told I'm thought well of, that previous supervisors all speak well of me--that I'm being punished.
Still working extra--the last couple days I'm not even eating lunch while I work, I'm skipping it entirely and just working. Too stressed, too ill-feeling, too crying all the time (totally lost it in the restroom again yest. OH YEAH, THAT'S SOME STRONG WOMAN YEAH. Total pissant weak pathetic girl that I am).
Btw. Finally got a kudos about the ton I've been accomplishing. From someone who's not in my chain-of-reporting. In the mini-meeting yesterday, and for the meeting for the other half of my department (I'm orders/receiving, they're access/metadata, but I still do the meeting because it's cataloging, really), the head of the access/metadata section gave me a good job well done, to me, and as a recognition to my coworkers. Nice. Except you know...even though my supervisor was at the mini-meeting yesterday...he didn't say a thing when Jan complimented me. Not a word. I've heard him compliment a new student worker who's done well in their training recently. Nothing for me, yeah. And nothing from my dept chair either. So, yeah.
Fuck this shit. Fuck it all. Maybe...since Friday and Monday are blown, maybe I can take time Tuesday to try to get some apping done. Or maybe I just have to do it Saturday, despite needing downtime to keep from just falling to pieces like some weak idiot (not to mention the usual house stuff yadda yadda).
Not that long ago, my parents both went on jags of telling me how proud they are of their kids, how well we're doing. And I wanted to cry then, and I just want to be sick about it now, because I am a total and utter failure at my career, about *having* a career for fuck's sake this has been just a job that goes nowhere, and now I'll be starting over again and may end up doing minimum wage; and I'm a total and utter failure at my relationship and goddamn if they only knew how broken that was and how it's entirely my fault; and I won't even go into the rest. 33 not even 34, and it's like everything has gone or is going to hell and I'm just sliding downward. My brother, man, I'm so glad he's such a freaking rising star and doing fantastically well, because they sure ain't getting anything outta me that's worthwhile. At times I wonder why I am alive, I mean like what is the point of me having been here, if I accomplish nothing, if I only do worse and worse over time? Seriously. What will have been the point of me having been here when I'm eventually gone, if I've done/accomplished/achieved nothing? I can't even say "at least she had a good life" because it feels more like a waste of time than anything. I mean, isn't it a waste if all people can say is that so and so was miserable instead of at least they were content and satisfied with what they had?
But I digress, and now I truly am wasting time. Too bad, I coulda used that break to better purposes later.
Desk move happens Monday. So fucking fast. And was told yesterday that--as I suspected--I'm not allowed to use my iPod anymore. His area does not use headphones, because one cannot concentrate on work if listening to music, and we are here to work and listening to music is not work. So. Sitting 8 hours a day, being stared at, in silence.
I feel sick.
Seriously. I knew it was coming, but as it's all finally coming together, I'm just sick at it. I think I'm literally cracking. The job thing isn't going fast enough, isn't going *at all*, and I'm desperate. And I need to take time off to get more apps going, to find *something*--but I'm buried and there's meetings and I have no time to take time off.
I know it sounds stupid, the iPod should be no big deal. But it's about having things taken away--having stupid little creature comforts or unofficial benefits that made the crap pay of this job worthwhile taken away. Knowing that if I walk a half a room away, I can see where I once had privacy, could listen to my iPod, could eat at my desk, could ask for time off at a moment's notice. Feeling like--despite how I've been told I'm thought well of, that previous supervisors all speak well of me--that I'm being punished.
Still working extra--the last couple days I'm not even eating lunch while I work, I'm skipping it entirely and just working. Too stressed, too ill-feeling, too crying all the time (totally lost it in the restroom again yest. OH YEAH, THAT'S SOME STRONG WOMAN YEAH. Total pissant weak pathetic girl that I am).
Btw. Finally got a kudos about the ton I've been accomplishing. From someone who's not in my chain-of-reporting. In the mini-meeting yesterday, and for the meeting for the other half of my department (I'm orders/receiving, they're access/metadata, but I still do the meeting because it's cataloging, really), the head of the access/metadata section gave me a good job well done, to me, and as a recognition to my coworkers. Nice. Except you know...even though my supervisor was at the mini-meeting yesterday...he didn't say a thing when Jan complimented me. Not a word. I've heard him compliment a new student worker who's done well in their training recently. Nothing for me, yeah. And nothing from my dept chair either. So, yeah.
Fuck this shit. Fuck it all. Maybe...since Friday and Monday are blown, maybe I can take time Tuesday to try to get some apping done. Or maybe I just have to do it Saturday, despite needing downtime to keep from just falling to pieces like some weak idiot (not to mention the usual house stuff yadda yadda).
Not that long ago, my parents both went on jags of telling me how proud they are of their kids, how well we're doing. And I wanted to cry then, and I just want to be sick about it now, because I am a total and utter failure at my career, about *having* a career for fuck's sake this has been just a job that goes nowhere, and now I'll be starting over again and may end up doing minimum wage; and I'm a total and utter failure at my relationship and goddamn if they only knew how broken that was and how it's entirely my fault; and I won't even go into the rest. 33 not even 34, and it's like everything has gone or is going to hell and I'm just sliding downward. My brother, man, I'm so glad he's such a freaking rising star and doing fantastically well, because they sure ain't getting anything outta me that's worthwhile. At times I wonder why I am alive, I mean like what is the point of me having been here, if I accomplish nothing, if I only do worse and worse over time? Seriously. What will have been the point of me having been here when I'm eventually gone, if I've done/accomplished/achieved nothing? I can't even say "at least she had a good life" because it feels more like a waste of time than anything. I mean, isn't it a waste if all people can say is that so and so was miserable instead of at least they were content and satisfied with what they had?
But I digress, and now I truly am wasting time. Too bad, I coulda used that break to better purposes later.
