Of Changes...

[whitereflection]

I started relistening to some Dream Theater CDs yesterday--been a long while since I've done that. Images and Words a couple times during work yesterday; tried to listen to Awake, but it wouldn't work in my computer cd player, or my portable one (I'm just remembering that it always gave my home computer fits, too...I'll have to test it in my stereo and see if it'll work there). Today I opened up A Change of Seasons, which I bought months ago, and had never listened to previously. It's...it's something else. There's just something kind of strange when you happen upon something--like a set of lyrics--that resounds with echoes of your life, thoughts, and feelings.

I guess I should be specific:
From A Change of Seasons III -- Carpe Diem

I'll always remember
The chill of November
The news of the fall
The sounds in the hall
The clock on the wall ticking away
"Seize the day"
I heard him say
Life will not always be this way
Look around
Hear the sounds
Cherish your life while you're still around
We can learn from the past
But those days are gone
We can hope for the future
But there might not be one
The words stuck in my mind
alive from what I've learned
I have to seize the day
To home I returned
Preparing for her flight
I held with all my might
Fearing my deepest fright
She walked into the night
She turned for one last look
She looked me in the eye
I said, "I love you...Good-bye"


... I see in myself the narrator, but also this "She". I see in the interchange at the end reflections of what I and he have been going through for the past year or so. And yet, I see how much I'm *not* either of those individuals, the characters in the song. For as much as I pay lip-service to Carpe Diem, I never have the strength within to follow through. Because it's strangely easier to hide away what I want and what I know is calling to my heart, to thereby cause myself to hurt, than it is to admit what I want and therefore hurt him, and indirectly hurt others around us. I claim to value courage and honesty so highly, yet I take the path of bowing to fears, of lying by omission and pretending, because I am frightened of the consequences.

Since last night I've been pondering trying to talk about things, to finally be totally honest--but I am finding I can't really bring myself to do so. I don't think the topics would be suitable for here; I think it'd be too much information, too serious, too uncomfortable. If I thought just typing it into a word processing program would work, I'd do that--but it's not really honesty if no one else sees/hears it, now is it? I always thought it'd be enough to have talked with Michael, but...in some ways I don't think he really understands. I think he still believes that it's something to do with feeling emotionally unsafe in my relationship, and not something real; that I haven't taken a more decisive, drastic action because I really do feel certain things in my relationship, and not because I'm just too much of a coward to take those steps.

Enough for now, too much for now really. I need to think some more--maybe I'm just making too much out of nothing.

Comments

[kenjimurasame.livejournal.com]

It IS your own personal Journal, you know--you can say whatever you want in it--you can even make it so only YOU see what you post.

And don't dissmiss it as making something out of nothing...because it can't really be nothing if it causes this much thinking, can it?

[mixmastatiki.livejournal.com]

If it's not something you're sure about making too public in a journal like this, where many people may read it, perhaps you could talk to a really good friend about it all if you haven't already? That sometimes helps out in situations like this.