Nuttage...

Mmm...almond Snickers are good. Except there's not nearly enough almondy nuttage in 'em. Nuttage...that's a cool word. Wanna say it repeatedly: nuttage...nuttage nuttage nuttage. But anyway, Snickers may say it's packed with peanuts, but it's certainly not packed with almonds. Still good tho. Nuttage.

More to babble about later. Just wanted to say 'nuttage' now.

Nuttage.

The 'more later'

Wow. For once I actually get back to this when I say I'll write more later. The world must be ending or somethin'. *bit o' sarcasm*

Been one of those weeks, and naturally it's left me out of touch. Tuesday's html/computer work at Michael's church kept us out until near midnight, which kinda bit, especially I'd been up too late too many days inna row. :p Ended up not talking with Michael Wednesday (he had to work on his newsletter article), but I only ended up hanging out and crashing (naturally not early enough to actually catch up on sleep--gee, why would I wanna do that?).

Didn't go out with Dad yesterday evening--he's been too busy (grandmother stuff in just a sec), and James had to go to a wedding rehearsal for an old college friend/former roommate of ours. I spent the evening beta-ing Anj's Azumanga Daioh fic (turned out really well--very cute/sweet/funny, well-written), then messing around trying to digitally alter a piece of fanart I found (not in mockery, it's cute artwork--but there's this big apple in the pic, and I just gotta recolor it...you Apple/Mac people may know what I'm thinking). Again, just wandered off to crash too late for it to really help the ol' sleep deficit. *flails at self*

So being tired has kept me rather antisocial, but in truth it's not just that. Some things, the usual personal issues, have been lurking in my head and dragging me down repeatedly--man, since before Christmas, I think. Just stuff that I keep trying to shove aside, and get me when I feel pressured, causing me to feel a lot of anger, fear, hopelessness...especially anger. There are times I think I'm always angry, and it's just lurking. I think it's why I go off on things a lot--it's right there, waiting. Or something. I thought of trying to talk about it somehow, but there are times I just can't, and times I don't want to--or times where I try, but I'm thinking and feeling too much, and it overwhelms me and I just throw it all away and decide it's best to stay shut up.

Bad things happening? Actually, no, not really--it's when someone is pretending they're good, a-ok, fine and dandy, happy ever after, and doesn't seem to remember conversations of previous months. It's like I need a sign to carry--"No, I'm *still* not that person, anymore, and no, I haven't figured things out, so BACK OFF." I don't do well when pressured, and I don't do well when people assume too much. And you know, I really don't like it when people don't respect my mental/emotional/physical personal space, and continue to invade the above even after promising they won't. I don't appreciate being continually put in the 'bad guy' role of having to pull away or push someone else away. I really don't appreciate it.

Doesn't help, too, that at times I realize there are certainties that I pretend aren't that way by keeping them shut up inside. Because if I say them, then they're real, and I can't pretend otherwise. And then if they're real, I can't keep in my holding pattern; I have to change things, and I'm just not ready for that. Coward? Yes, I am. I have to at least admit that. I'm an angry coward. ...but still, I know, inside, that certain things are true, are things I know for sure. I guess I just can't fully face up to these things yet.

But as always, I'll eventually catch up on sleep, so I'll be more energetic, less moody, some later time. Always how it is. And there are always distractions--our friend's wedding tonight (James has to be an usher), getting the Animaxis order in in a month (luckily their site came up again, or we'd have had to go to the more expensive Sasuga Books), my cels coming in a couple days. Hopefully there will be some other things to look forward to next week--I know there will be starting end of February, when I begin a five-week class on doing stained glass-work using lead caming.

I'm actually very looking forward to that--had a moment where I thought of not taking it, because 'she' dabbled in stained glass...but then I said fuck it. I've wanted to do stained glasswork for years before I knew Kat--I can't avoid doing something just because of some vague association with someone who burned me and others at one point in time. In any case, should be an interesting class. And maybe I'll get something more out of it than I did with my neglected guitar (need to find the energy to practice some again...and to write some time, or do some oil pastel stuff, or to get back to learning hiregana... *sighs*)

So anyway... *shrugs* Life goes, life goes.