![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Apologies...
Jul. 2nd, 2002 08:08 amTo those I was around last night. I was not the way I should have been. Gomen nasai...
I'm still...very worked up about the woman who screwed me over in traffic on the way home from work yesterday. Right, hadn't mentioned that yet. Basically, there's a really bad merge on Dodge St due to construction--it's extremely, extremely heavy traffic, so it's ugly. Anyway, I'm Ms.nice person, and tend to make sure there's space in front of me to allow one or two folks to merge in--it's the 'take your turn' thing, where everyone kinda does that. It basically works and keeps things flowing basically smoothly, though slowly.
So I do my usual, allow a couple folks in, when this gal in a white car decides it's her job to screw me up the ass, figuratively of course. She races up along my right side and starts jamming her way in. Well, I'm sorry, but I'd allowed a couple folks in already, and had moved up behind them, and there *WASN'T ROOM ANYMORE*--she should have tried to get in behind me, or if there wasn't room, wait until there was a gap like any *normal* human being in traffic there. But she keeps trying to push the nose of her car into the six inches of space in front of me--basically, the message is that I should back off, stop to let more of a space develop and let her in. But traffic starts to move forward, and I start to move forward and she *KEEPS* pushing in. If I'd keep going, she's worked it that I'd end up hitting her. So I start screaming at her, she is screaming at me--excuse me, *WHY* is she screaming at me when she's the one being the cocksucking asshole BITCH, tell me this *PLEASE*??!--and yeah we start exchanging hand gestures and screaming more. But in the end, when traffic kept moving, she prevented me from going forward, and forced her "I'm so superior to you" ass in front of me.
I nearly rammed her. I'm serious, I started to gun it, but something made me brake. If I kept a rachet wrench in the car like my Dad does, I *SO* would have gotten out and beat dents in her car, broken her windows, hell beat dents in her goddamned head. I'm serious, this wasn't me getting just angry. This was me getting furious, feeling more of a rage than I almost ever have before. This goddamned bitch basically took advantage of me being nice to someone else, and used it to force *her* wishes on *me*, and thus screw me over.
And I was absolutely helpless, absolutely powerless to do anything about it. All I could do is let it happen to me. This is so very typical of my life. I don't have the size, the strength, the charisma, the force of will, the intelligence, the wealth, the what-have-you to keep others from treating me like a fucking doormat. It ALWAYS ends up that I'm the one to submit, to cave in, to give up. I always end up the doormat, the passive one that gets screwed over.
I took the next exit, got onto the interstate even though it was heading away from where I wanted to go, just to get out from behind that bitch. I was so damned furious, I just had to get away, even if it meant going out of my way to do so. But I was so damned angry, I almost couldn't breathe--and there was no place I could vent it. There was nothing to beat on, nothing to break, nothing I could do but scream helplessly and...shit, this is what pisses me off the most...end up crying. I want to be tough, I want to be strong--but no, I end up crying. What a weak, pansy-assed, girly, *pathetic* thing to do. I am such a goddamned wuss.
I can't seem to stop being mad. And bitter. Yeah, I'm giving up on being nice in traffic. Screw everyone else. You be nice out there, and people either don't notice, don't care, or they screw you for it.
And what really pisses me off at myself is that I dumped my mood all over those I care about most. You guys didn't deserve that. And I should have explained right then and there why I was so pissy, so you didn't have to wonder what the hell was wrong with me. I owed you that, at the least. I'm sorry. I really hate how I've been to you all lately. I haven't been there when you've needed me. I haven't been fun--I've been abrasive, a drain to be around. I've been petty and jealous of the attention given others.
I feel so bad it hurts when I realize that those of you who've been down and having rough times of it have found solace and healing in other people--but not in me, as much as I want to be that for you. But how could I be what brings you up when I've been like this? I've been helpful to no one; I have not brought joy to anyone by just being there as I have in the past. And it's my own fault.
Forgive me for being so damned worthless and useless right now. At the least, I am recognizing that the way I'm acting and feeling is wrong, so hopefully I can find a way of changing it as quickly as damned possible.
*****
...it occurs to me, suddenly, and I'm not sure why, why not writing has been worrying me so much. Do you know that almost every single person I know, online and in RL, writes? And basically everyone I am closest to writes in groups. It's this wonderful, satisfying thing, that everyone shares...but me. I want to be a part of it, but I can't seem to make myself actually go through it--and I end up feeling outside. And that may be why I *can't* actually make myself write, because I'm not wanting to do it for the writing's sake, but so I can be part of it with everyone else, instead of being kind of alone, isolated from it all. I'm not wanting to do it for the right reasons...so I can't. I'm guessing that if I really wanted to write for writing's sake, to be able to create in that manner, I'd be able to with no problems.
*shrugs* Weird tangent, yeah. But I think it makes sense in a way. I don't think it's enough to want to create something just so you can be part of a group, to be like everyone else. You have to truly *want* to create, whether it be to write, do artwork, whatever, to really be successful at it.
...anyway. *shrugs*
I'm still...very worked up about the woman who screwed me over in traffic on the way home from work yesterday. Right, hadn't mentioned that yet. Basically, there's a really bad merge on Dodge St due to construction--it's extremely, extremely heavy traffic, so it's ugly. Anyway, I'm Ms.nice person, and tend to make sure there's space in front of me to allow one or two folks to merge in--it's the 'take your turn' thing, where everyone kinda does that. It basically works and keeps things flowing basically smoothly, though slowly.
So I do my usual, allow a couple folks in, when this gal in a white car decides it's her job to screw me up the ass, figuratively of course. She races up along my right side and starts jamming her way in. Well, I'm sorry, but I'd allowed a couple folks in already, and had moved up behind them, and there *WASN'T ROOM ANYMORE*--she should have tried to get in behind me, or if there wasn't room, wait until there was a gap like any *normal* human being in traffic there. But she keeps trying to push the nose of her car into the six inches of space in front of me--basically, the message is that I should back off, stop to let more of a space develop and let her in. But traffic starts to move forward, and I start to move forward and she *KEEPS* pushing in. If I'd keep going, she's worked it that I'd end up hitting her. So I start screaming at her, she is screaming at me--excuse me, *WHY* is she screaming at me when she's the one being the cocksucking asshole BITCH, tell me this *PLEASE*??!--and yeah we start exchanging hand gestures and screaming more. But in the end, when traffic kept moving, she prevented me from going forward, and forced her "I'm so superior to you" ass in front of me.
I nearly rammed her. I'm serious, I started to gun it, but something made me brake. If I kept a rachet wrench in the car like my Dad does, I *SO* would have gotten out and beat dents in her car, broken her windows, hell beat dents in her goddamned head. I'm serious, this wasn't me getting just angry. This was me getting furious, feeling more of a rage than I almost ever have before. This goddamned bitch basically took advantage of me being nice to someone else, and used it to force *her* wishes on *me*, and thus screw me over.
And I was absolutely helpless, absolutely powerless to do anything about it. All I could do is let it happen to me. This is so very typical of my life. I don't have the size, the strength, the charisma, the force of will, the intelligence, the wealth, the what-have-you to keep others from treating me like a fucking doormat. It ALWAYS ends up that I'm the one to submit, to cave in, to give up. I always end up the doormat, the passive one that gets screwed over.
I took the next exit, got onto the interstate even though it was heading away from where I wanted to go, just to get out from behind that bitch. I was so damned furious, I just had to get away, even if it meant going out of my way to do so. But I was so damned angry, I almost couldn't breathe--and there was no place I could vent it. There was nothing to beat on, nothing to break, nothing I could do but scream helplessly and...shit, this is what pisses me off the most...end up crying. I want to be tough, I want to be strong--but no, I end up crying. What a weak, pansy-assed, girly, *pathetic* thing to do. I am such a goddamned wuss.
I can't seem to stop being mad. And bitter. Yeah, I'm giving up on being nice in traffic. Screw everyone else. You be nice out there, and people either don't notice, don't care, or they screw you for it.
And what really pisses me off at myself is that I dumped my mood all over those I care about most. You guys didn't deserve that. And I should have explained right then and there why I was so pissy, so you didn't have to wonder what the hell was wrong with me. I owed you that, at the least. I'm sorry. I really hate how I've been to you all lately. I haven't been there when you've needed me. I haven't been fun--I've been abrasive, a drain to be around. I've been petty and jealous of the attention given others.
I feel so bad it hurts when I realize that those of you who've been down and having rough times of it have found solace and healing in other people--but not in me, as much as I want to be that for you. But how could I be what brings you up when I've been like this? I've been helpful to no one; I have not brought joy to anyone by just being there as I have in the past. And it's my own fault.
Forgive me for being so damned worthless and useless right now. At the least, I am recognizing that the way I'm acting and feeling is wrong, so hopefully I can find a way of changing it as quickly as damned possible.
*****
...it occurs to me, suddenly, and I'm not sure why, why not writing has been worrying me so much. Do you know that almost every single person I know, online and in RL, writes? And basically everyone I am closest to writes in groups. It's this wonderful, satisfying thing, that everyone shares...but me. I want to be a part of it, but I can't seem to make myself actually go through it--and I end up feeling outside. And that may be why I *can't* actually make myself write, because I'm not wanting to do it for the writing's sake, but so I can be part of it with everyone else, instead of being kind of alone, isolated from it all. I'm not wanting to do it for the right reasons...so I can't. I'm guessing that if I really wanted to write for writing's sake, to be able to create in that manner, I'd be able to with no problems.
*shrugs* Weird tangent, yeah. But I think it makes sense in a way. I don't think it's enough to want to create something just so you can be part of a group, to be like everyone else. You have to truly *want* to create, whether it be to write, do artwork, whatever, to really be successful at it.
...anyway. *shrugs*
