The best laid plans...

[whitereflection]

I'd originally thought to get some very needed AIM time last night, then after dozing off at a couple stoplights on the way home from work, I thought maybe I'd crash and sleep again. Ended up not doing either of these tho. Turns out Anj had a message that her Dad is going to need some rather serious neck surgery, and she was really worked up and in need of just hanging out. We took her over some food, and watched some of our HK subs of Azumanga Daioh as she was, and is, needing some light-fluffy stuff as a distraction.

I worry a lot about her Dad. He's got rheumatoid arthritis, severe osteoporosis (he's lost at least several inches of height), and has damage to his body from an overprescription of Prednasone some years back, plus the side effects of the meds he's on now. It's...kinda scary to see. He's not that much older than my parents, maybe not as old as James' parents--and he's really, really aged faster than they have. Hell, he's barely able to walk with a walker now, and Anj has to go visit him once a month to clean his house--and he gets Meals on Wheels to not have to cook at the time. I've mentioned him before, but looking at it now, I'm really sure someone who looked fine 10 years ago, pretty decent 5 years ago, but who has degenerated to the point of being basically housebound and almost incapacitated, will probably not even be around after a couple of years. And then this surgery...

Basically, his vertebrae have been collapsing together slowly from the osteoporosis, and now it's pinching spinal nerves. If he doesn't get this neck surgery, he will end up paralyzed for sure. If he does get the surgery...well, his health is so bad, a lot of things could happen. He could come through the surgery fine, or he could end up paralyzed anyway. Or, there could be even worse complications.

So yeah, Anj is worked up. And we're going to be hanging out with her again tonight, give her someone to lean on and a place to anchor to. I even had my Mom call her (since Mom's fond of her anyway, and hasn't seen or talked to her in ages), and give support and advice on what questions Anj should ask her Dad's doctors. (Mom used to be a nurse, and has herself been through a lot of medical care, hospitalizations, and surguries for her asthma and tracheostomy problems).

Anyway, we're kinda doing for Anj what we can. It is kinda hitting me tho. So much is happening lately, with grandparents growing ill and dying, with parents becoming ill, with parents just aging and becoming older adults rather than just adults as I've been used to. And it's just...I don't know. It feels wrong to be at the stage of my life where grandparents are gone, and parents are aging into their place. I'm not ready for my Mom and Dad to be saying, with all seriousness, that they are feeling old. I'm not ready for anyone I know to have parents dying of age or of bodies wearing down/wearing out. I feel like I'm echoing Moe with the "I'm not ready, I'm not ready!" refrain. But I'm *not* ready to be losing the last of my grandparents yet, not ready for anyone I know to be losing parents, not ready to see my parents as anything but young.

I don't mind getting older--I have been looking forward to my 30s/40s/beyond. But I do get bothered at the concept of losing family, of having friends lose family (I can't help hurting for those I am close to). And I get bothered when I realize not just how time is moving solidly forward, but at how *fast* it's doing so anymore--it scares the living crap out of me. My first 10 years took forever, my second ten years went by fairly fast, and my third ten have been a blink of an eye--how long will my next ten take, then the next? Almost no time at all... That...that gets to me. So much I'm just not ready for. And January's almost gone by already--2003 just got here, and January's almost freaking gone. It's...like I said, it gets to me.

Anyway...hauled ass on getting things done here today--bills, laundry, vacuuming, cleaning up cat messes (three hairballs, thanks you little bastard beasts), dishes, etc. I'm glad I had a little chance to at least do lj, since I feel like it's the only way I feel connected to anyone out there anymore. I'm behind on email again (though looking at the old stuff reminds me yet again that I've been wanting to put together my cel gallery one of these days *sighs*). And like I said, we're gonna hang out with Anj some more tonight--gotta get her caught up on Sakura as she's still on first season (Kelly's finished it, Gina's on third season). Got more stuff I need to do tomorrow (like clothes shopping, which I hate to do--why do tough things like denim jeans wear out so damned quickly?), but I guess I'll get to that when I get to it.

Hi to all, and *hugs* and love to everyone, and sorry to be alternately in a dark mood or so busy as to not have time to hang out. Am feeling very guilty about neglecting people (especially Nix and Kea, who I haven't gotten in contact with at all in ages...or Jenn, or Sue...or...*very frustrated sighs*). Bah, guess I'd better get out of here before I sink into another "I suck" rant. :p And I need more motrin anyway (thanks to vacuuming for more of that headache thing I can't shake).

Ah, Anj's here. Laters.v

Comments

[mintaka00.livejournal.com]

That plain old, well used expression "when it rains it pours" has been running through my head too much lately. I've just been feeling overwhelmed and beaten down by one thing after another lately. Between myself and those I know... ~shrugs~ Times that test ya, eh?

Things are measured for me in little steps right now. Tonight for example, I caught myself saying out loud as I was out in the barn dragging in firewood "I feel good tonight". And being rather struck by how amazed I was that it was true and unusual at the same time. All I did tonight was be spontaneous with my lover; his parents called us up and the four of us met at the rather shady and simple family restaurant in the middle of town (town being a relative thing in this one I call home) for dinner. A couple of glasses of thin wine and some hearty but simple pasta on a platter combined with tired chatting felt amazingly good.

It was like a little oasis in life. A very badly needed one. Yesterday and today has been a lot of family scrambling, tomorrow is my regularly scheduled phone call to Gram where we will both attempt to be real and ignore reality at the same time. I'm twitchy about this right now, wanting to reach for the phone every twenty odd minutes and not seem overprotective at the same time. I keep trying to tap into feelings and reactions that are so much more “normal” to lose the fear, and then spotting things that bring me right back to her, like my dishes that I bolt a quick breakfast on, or the jewelry box on my dresser, the way my hair curls, the way the white in it catches the light, or the painting in my dining room she painted, or the way I cross my legs, or how I greet a person, or my damned name for god sakes.

I'll get morose again if I keep going. I'm with you here though, there are some things I just am not ready to deal with. Things that should seem eternal, invulnerable. Things that I don't really give a shit if growing up means facing them, I don't want to. Between what I am officially calling winter depression and other… we’ll call them challenges, I've been retreating so far inward recently that it's scaring me. Just want to go back to sleep, crawl under something dark and forget it all.

Ugh, but then I get pissy at myself for being so depressing. And damned determined to not lose myself to something like this. Today I find myself getting stubborn and wanting to tell the blues to go to hell. I'm gonna try... Ack, Yoda would say there is no try, there is only do or do not. So guess that means I'm going to do. Ack, I hope I’m strong enough. I'm babbling at this point... check in soon to see of Moe makes a good jedi master.

Sillyness aside. ~holds tightly~ Loving you my friend. Thinking of you. So grateful to be able to share with you, though sorry for the extra burden I know I cost you. Be safe, be comforted, smile.

Re:

[whitereflection.livejournal.com]

You. Are NEVER. Any. Sort. Of Extra. Burden. Never. Never *ever*. I am my only extra burden. You are an anchor for me, someone I can lean on and get support from--and you are also one of the rare few that allow me to do that for you as well. You let me give, and support you, and that means very much to me--so many, I'm left feeling shut out and left out from, because they don't want to burden me and don't share. They make me feel like I'm just a leech and a weight to burden them, because I can never give in return, and be there for them.

But to be a broken record, I so understand and relate to so much of this. I see so much of this in what I feel, in what my own life is like. But I think it's good to measure things in little steps--for one, because then you can keep from getting overwhelmed. But also, because by focusing on the small things, you don't miss them in all the chaos. It's so easy to miss the little bit of joy, that brief moment of peace and contentment, when it feels like we're being swept under by the painful parts of life. But these little moments are what strengthen and heal us--and I'm terrible about seeing, recognizing, and acknowledging those moments. And I'm terrible about sharing them with others--I seem to only share the negative things that are affecting me.

But it's okay to be morose, depressed, whatever--a human being can never avoid being those things. So it's good and okay to be those to a friend, to allow yourself times to be that way--because then it won't be lurking and waiting to explode when you don't want it to or when it would be uncontrolled and a bad thing. Like I was telling Anj, she can be down and hurting and scared around us, so that she can be strong for her Dad, without fear that the unacknowledged and unexpressed emotion will break her down when she doesn't want it to (like around him). That venting thing again--giving it little bits of time to let out keeps it from taking you over.

And I know, I should be listening to myself. It's harder that way. Sorry. *wince* But thank you, and I am thinking of you muchly as well--I've been trying to think of those I care for to remind myself that I'm not alone, even if distance makes it seem that way. *extrahugs* And all the same sentiment to you--I so want to find ways to soothe all those hurting places within you, so you can find all the joy around you. Yeesh, I'm getting so sentimental anymore--but it's what I feel. So take care, and I'll catch you later. Love you bunches. :)

--Dit

[kenjimurasame.livejournal.com]

Not exactly the happiest post to comment on with something unrelated, but your package is in the mail and should get there sometime late next week.

*hug* Feel better, hope things turn out ok.

Re:

[whitereflection.livejournal.com]

Hey, is ok. It's just me being a downer again, anyway. But I'm most excited to hear it's in the mail--I can't wait. :D And here I'd almost spaced it off again. *hugs* Thanks in advance.

And yeah, I hope things do, too, at least for Anj's sake. I know some things are inevitable, but I just don't want her to have to deal with it quite yet.

--DiÃ