Story of my life

[whitereflection]

Sometimes I'll gravitate to a song because of the music, sometimes the mood of a piece--but sometimes it's just because a fragment of the lyrics means something significant to me. Rarely, though, do *all* the lyrics hit me--so it makes me blink a bit to see a song that from beginning to end describes what I'm feeling and dealing with.

*****

Out Of My Depth
Everclear
(From the album "Songs From An American Movie Volume 2: Good Time For A Bad Attitude")

Out of my depth
Lost in the air
Falling faster
Like a broken elevator

Out of my depth
Lost in the dark
Waiting for that other shoe
To come down hard

I cannot communicate
Like I wish I could
I do not deal with my problems
Like I know I should

I am out of my depth
I am out of my league
Watching everything...
Just slip away from me

Something bad is going to happen
I can feel it deep inside
There are shadows all around me
Like a bad moon on the rise

I am in over my head
I am in too deep here
Over my head
I guess I should keep my opinions to myself
I guess I am out of my depth

Out of my depth
Right from the start
I feel like I was born
With an invisible heart
Out of my depth
Seems like everyday
I can't find the words
To make the good things come my way

Yes, I feel like I am faking it
I feel like I am wrong
I feel like I'm a guest
...like I just do not belong

I am out of my depth
Every single day
I just cannot find the words
To make my monsters go away

Something bad is going to happen
I can feel it deep inside
There are shadows all around me
Like a bad moon on the rise

I am in too deep here
Over my head
Yes, I am in too deep here
Over my head
I should seek some professional help
Because I'm out of my depth
Yes, I am out of my depth
And I am slowly going out of my mind

Oh, go away
Make them go away
Someday I know
I will make them go away
Make them go away
Make them go away
Someday I know...I will
Make my monsters go away

I am in over my head
I should seek some professional help
I should keep my opinions to myself
I guess I'm out of my depth
I am out of my depth
I am out of my depth
I am out of my...

I am out of my depth
I am out of my depth
I am out of my depth
I am out of my depth

I am out of my depth
I am out of my depth
I am out of my depth
Yes, I am slowly going out of my mind

Comments

[mintaka00.livejournal.com]

Is it fair to say ditto? Take me with you, wherever you are going.

Re:

[whitereflection.livejournal.com]

*hugs, leans, lets you lean* Is more than fair, and of course. I could use the company.

*extrahugs* And with all that going on with your grandmother, feel free to lean extra, 'kay?

Funny tho how our lives echo just a bit--I'm not very close to my grandmothers (and one grandfather already died, and I pretend the other already did), but a couple weeks ago both of them were hospitalized for congestive heart failure. That kinda got me a little. Both are out now--Mom's mother had an aortic valve replacement and a single bypass and is bouncing back ok, but my Dad's mother...

That's the grandmother that's been having trouble keeping on weight. And she was told by her drs to stop smoking, but even after all this she's only down to "every two hours". And she's the one my aunt was waxing melodramatic like she was at death's door--but maybe my aunt was more right that I would have guessed. I mean, she is at home now, but when Dad talked to her, he thought she didn't sound as strong as she had been, and that her thinking was a bit foggy. They didn't put her on oxygen, but they might--and if it's still bothering her, she might end up in the hospital again. I know she's in her 80s, and I know I've never been that close, but she's the only one of my grandparents that it will really affect me when she's gone. She's the one I'm most fond of, and is the connection to the most of my nostalgic memories.

But you really don't need me to unload like that--just was kinda musing how little things mirror in us. And my usual refrain of "I understand", and all that. *hugs tight* Am thinking about you, in the midst of my funky moods. Take care, and love ya bunches,

--Di

[mintaka00.livejournal.com]

This echoing thing is actually giving me more comfort than I can say. Though I wish it didn't cost you more stress.

Family for me is, as you've probably figured out by now, a relative thing. But gram doesn't count as just family. There are two people in this world that have and do keep me alive; my lover and my gram. Gram has always been the most vibrant, vivacious, brilliant person I have ever known. She's 88, almost 89 and runs everyone around her regardless of age into the ground. She's the most alive person I've ever met, either directly or indirectly. She's been an active athlete all her life, always involved in dozens of projects at the same time. Always on the road going in twelve different directions and usually acting her way out of a speeding ticket while doing it.

Well until recently. My grandfather's condition has been killing her. Literally apparently. And I'm struggling real hard right now with dealing with resenting him for that when it's nothing he can control.

When Mom and I were crying together on the phone Thursday night she said to me "gram is like your mother isn't she." And of course I said no but really... she is. She was the single most influential person in my life until I met Eric, at which time they divvied up the task together. Everything about me, down to my body language and speech patterns come from her.

I don't know.. it's weird but I work with more death now than I've ever had to confront before in my life. And I've found a part of me for dealing with it that I suspect existed but wasn't sure of before. I'm not sure if this makes it easier or worse though. Does understanding death so much more closely make it hurt less or more? All I know is I’m so freaking scared. Scared to the point it makes me sick. Gods, thoughts too weighty for colder than Hell January nights.

What I do know is, you, never apologize for "unloading". I need to hear it, I need to know that you can do that with me. Your trust is the greatest gift. And I can only hope that I offer you some help in return. ~hold you to my heart~

Re:

[whitereflection.livejournal.com]

Man, the two of us--always wanting to help, but never wanting to be a bother or a burden. ^^; But like I kinda said in that other message--you're so not a source of stress for me. I may be concerned for you, worry for you, feel things for you, but it's not in any way negative--it's nothing that hurts me or tears me down. It's just making me feel, and that's perfectly ok. Trust me, you are no source of stress in my life--I *know* which things are and feel that way, you are so not one of them.

Your gram reminds me in some ways of my Mom, and so again I can relate to how and why you treasure her so. There is in us a admiring of these people in our lives, an adoration, and a wanting to be like them. Plus a gratitude for all they've done for us, and a realization of how very different we would be if not for them. And it's so hard to see something that hurts these people we care for so much--I know when even a little thing adversely affects my mom, I want to ride in on a fiery steed and make everything right.

It's even harder then when it's a situation like your grandfather--when it's not just family, but the person she chose to spend her life with, and a person who isn't in control of himself any longer. I've wondered what I'd do if I had a disease like that, or if I were in a relationship with someone who ended up like that. I tend to have a negative view of myself anyway, but I can't help but feel I'd be one of those people others look down on, who end up putting that person in an assisted living situation and never visit. I don't know, maybe I wouldn't be that cold--but I know me, I know my avoidance behaviors, I know how bad I can be.

But as for understanding death--I admire that you've found this sort of strength within yourself, admire and respect it so very much. I have so much fear of death, and no strength to be able to handle it at all. Perhaps it makes it both more and less painful--I don't know if that makes sense. But I mean, maybe understanding it makes you feel it more keenly when it happens, but also makes it easier for you to come back from it, by accepting it, moving on, and healing. Am I explaining it right? I don't know if I'm expressing it right. But being scared, it's understandable and very ok. *extrahugs, holds you tight* I would be scared, too--and am scared of so many things in my life, and of so many what-ifs that aren't real yet, but could be (or could not be). I am, at heart, a creature of fear, so I know what it's like to be scared. It's ok.

*leans extra, lets you lean* Again, what a pair of us. *embarassed grin* But hey, it's just the way we are. It's our lives, so we live it however works for us. And I do trust you, though I have to admit I'm always having to work on not eating away at my own trust of others--that's one of my worst weaknesses. And it's not something that reflects what I feel about others, but what I think of and feel for myself. But I do trust, and I do work on keeping that trust whole and intact. It's why I'm so blessed to have people like you in my life--knowing someone who is so giving, loving, and easy to trust, so safe to show all of myself to, is a gift. *extrahugs* Gads, I'm getting so sentimental again, but thank you, as always.

Take care, will catch you later. Love ya much.

--Di