blank inside, blank outside
Oct. 20th, 2002 01:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
whitereflectionMy head seems to have slipped into a very off place. A bad place, in a way--a too much thinking place. Not like anything particularly wrong happened, things are basically ok. I mean:
*splurged on Indian food Friday night. Mulligatawney soup (god, I can't spell that) has been perhaps the best 'medicine' of anything I've tried yet.
*Rewatched some Azumanga Daioh Friday night and Saturday am.
*Got actual stuff around the house done (ie. bills and laundry)
*Caught up on fics at the Gundam Wing Addiction site, and was reminded that that fandom, for all its bad points, is still near&dear to my heart
*Went to Cozmo's and then out to see Lilo & Stitch at the dollar (or should I say two-dollar) theater last night with James, Anj and Gina
*Finally feeling more human and normal-healthy
*Am going over to Don's to watch bad movies until really late tonight
But...I'm doing too much pondering, too much remembering, too much introspection. There are things that part of me wants to talk about, but the other part of me won't let myself--and even when I do try to think or write it out, it locks up (perhaps because I've kept it stuffed away and hidden for so long now).
It's just when someone gets moody, has issues, through words or body language reminds me of the "grief" and "loss" they are experiencing because of how Things Aren't The Way They Used To Be, I feel so much guilt (because yes, when you boil it down, this is my fault. If I could just be the way I used to be, we'd be fine). And so much anger (because I'm tired of being pressured and pressured--either accept me as I am now, or just let go). And so much anger at myself (just admit the things I'm hiding, quit being a coward, quit trying to stay comfortable, and accept the changes and consequences, and let *them* move on and find what will make them happy). And yet also an odd disconnectedness and not caring.
Some days the pull of daydreams and wishes become very, very strong. But I just can't seem to find the guts to just start changes on my own, to reach for what I really want and leave behind what I don't. I still feel like I'm waiting for someone else to start things in motion, like then it won't really be my fault or blame. It still would be though, and I would know it. Still too much of a chickenwuss to take that first step though, and just say "Hey, I can't be like this anymore. This is what I am and this is what I need."
I wish...
Alone beneath an
endless night, I daydream of
courage and freedom.
Hmf. I'm getting nowhere with this, which is why I keep myself from trying to think it through or talk it out in the first place. I think my trouble comes with milestones of time--of having said once upon a time "If I still feel this way in a year, I'll know it's for sure, that I'm feeling it for real."...but when that year passes, knowing it's real and certain still doesn't help me act or *do* anything about it. So I hate my inaction, hate my hypocrisy (for getting disgusted at those who just complain and complain, and don't do anything to fix it--then doing the same myself), hate the way I constantly cause hurt to another...etc etc. And I ramble again.
I think I and my iPod are going to go walking for a long while. At the least I'll get exercise--thanks to laundry, I get to wear the tight jeans that didn't used to be tight today. My own damned fault for liking to eat crap, and too much of it, and never doing anything that involves physical activity.
t
*splurged on Indian food Friday night. Mulligatawney soup (god, I can't spell that) has been perhaps the best 'medicine' of anything I've tried yet.
*Rewatched some Azumanga Daioh Friday night and Saturday am.
*Got actual stuff around the house done (ie. bills and laundry)
*Caught up on fics at the Gundam Wing Addiction site, and was reminded that that fandom, for all its bad points, is still near&dear to my heart
*Went to Cozmo's and then out to see Lilo & Stitch at the dollar (or should I say two-dollar) theater last night with James, Anj and Gina
*Finally feeling more human and normal-healthy
*Am going over to Don's to watch bad movies until really late tonight
But...I'm doing too much pondering, too much remembering, too much introspection. There are things that part of me wants to talk about, but the other part of me won't let myself--and even when I do try to think or write it out, it locks up (perhaps because I've kept it stuffed away and hidden for so long now).
It's just when someone gets moody, has issues, through words or body language reminds me of the "grief" and "loss" they are experiencing because of how Things Aren't The Way They Used To Be, I feel so much guilt (because yes, when you boil it down, this is my fault. If I could just be the way I used to be, we'd be fine). And so much anger (because I'm tired of being pressured and pressured--either accept me as I am now, or just let go). And so much anger at myself (just admit the things I'm hiding, quit being a coward, quit trying to stay comfortable, and accept the changes and consequences, and let *them* move on and find what will make them happy). And yet also an odd disconnectedness and not caring.
Some days the pull of daydreams and wishes become very, very strong. But I just can't seem to find the guts to just start changes on my own, to reach for what I really want and leave behind what I don't. I still feel like I'm waiting for someone else to start things in motion, like then it won't really be my fault or blame. It still would be though, and I would know it. Still too much of a chickenwuss to take that first step though, and just say "Hey, I can't be like this anymore. This is what I am and this is what I need."
I wish...
Alone beneath an
endless night, I daydream of
courage and freedom.
Hmf. I'm getting nowhere with this, which is why I keep myself from trying to think it through or talk it out in the first place. I think my trouble comes with milestones of time--of having said once upon a time "If I still feel this way in a year, I'll know it's for sure, that I'm feeling it for real."...but when that year passes, knowing it's real and certain still doesn't help me act or *do* anything about it. So I hate my inaction, hate my hypocrisy (for getting disgusted at those who just complain and complain, and don't do anything to fix it--then doing the same myself), hate the way I constantly cause hurt to another...etc etc. And I ramble again.
I think I and my iPod are going to go walking for a long while. At the least I'll get exercise--thanks to laundry, I get to wear the tight jeans that didn't used to be tight today. My own damned fault for liking to eat crap, and too much of it, and never doing anything that involves physical activity.
t
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2002-10-20 12:36 pm (UTC)hop into the transporter and come visit me! You can sleep on our couch, pet our cat and I will feed you cambell's chicken noodle soup. Then we can watch army of darkness and shrek. You'll also be far away from your problems for a bit ^__^
*hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2002-10-20 12:45 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-10-20 12:47 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-10-24 08:17 am (UTC)--Di
Re:
Date: 2002-10-24 08:19 am (UTC)I hope you're taking care of yourself--I know it's been rough going for you, too. Been thinking about ya, even if I haven't been around to say so.
--Di