whitereflection (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
whitereflection) wrote2011-01-04 01:48 pm
whitereflection) wrote2011-01-04 01:48 pm
do you have the time
Just a bout of whining (pretty much just WoW related). Feel free to ignore. Once again emphasizing why on my fanmix about myself, Basket Case would be song number one.
So the guild GM and raid lead talked with the guy who's been an asshole, and decided to give him another chance rather than "one strike you're out". Admittedly, the person did apologize to the GM for his behavior to them and promise to not behave like that again. So now everyone's all friendly and buddy buddy and such. I just kind of...I dunno. I still don't feel comfortable around the individual, though I've promised to follow their decision and be civil. I just note that there was no apology to me. Even though I was also treated like crap by them, in just a public arena as guild chat (i.e. the voice chat and guild forums.) It just kind of bothers me that they got to be that way to me, where other people could see, and not have to make just as public amends.
At the least, the apology to our guild GM was important, since there was nothing to justify his behavior to them, but I still feel that his rationalization for why he treated me in that manner was flimsy, because *he* was the one that caused me to be upset and raise my voice--what was I supposed to do, just take that treatment and not respond? Be a good little female and do as the male orders, even though they're a fellow guild member and not an officer, even though *they* were assisting *me*?
Anyway, if he does something like that again, he's out, but still. Just hate the concept that someone can do stuff like that where everyone can see, then it's quietly resolved and swept under the rug, even though people will remember what went on, and I feel like I'm the one that ends up looking bad from it, because of the things the guy said (because while our GM was also a target, I feel like they're respected and approved of, whereas I feel like I'm constantly the guild dumbass/moron, and this has emphasized that once more. The one area where I felt like I was kind of resident expert on the profession, and all I got from this guy was all this judging and crap about how I was doing everything wrong, and that's what'll stick in peoples' minds.)
I know I'm overreacting, but it doesn't help that I feel like I'm in a constant state of stupid gamewise, anyway. Previously-asshole's cousin likes to spam DPS meters in our guild 5mans when he's on top, and I've been feeling like he's been using it as unstated commentary about my performance. (Though admittedly, this guy doesn't post those meters when he isn't on top.) And recently I had a random whisper in-game from someone I have absolutely no clue who it was, where all they said was "you're gearing all wrong" or something to that effect. The thing is, the game's in a state of flux right now--theorycrafting's just finally really establishing how to do things, and it wasn't until just before Christmas that the main site I prefer my theorycrafting guide from (Elitist Jerks) came out with their post for destruction warlocks. So I was getting information from various other places, and it *kept changing and conflicting about what to do*, which was *maddening*. But I was still doing well--but I did discover that the EJ guide was out because that whisper messed with my head, and now I'm doing better on Ak. Hell, that freaking easy PVP boss in Tol Barad, which is absolutely cake and the sort of fight I can shine on, I fucking kicked everyone's asses DPSwise, even the e-peen meter-spammer.
So yeah, good that that information came out, good that I was reminded to go check for it again--but it wasn't like I wasn't *trying* to find the right information. I'd been out to the Warlock's Den forums, I was looking at several blogs--including one from a member of Ensidia--I was reforging and regemming and adjusting my rotation constantly. So whoever that fucker was that whispered me that I was just 'doing things wrong' can suck it. I've been *trying*. (I still wonder who that person was, whether it was random, whether it was an alt for someone I knew/know, and whether it was meant to 'help', or meant to fuck with me.)
But the kicker is last night, after various things, another thing that happened in voice chat. So I've been trying to max this jewelcrafter skill, and it's been a *pain in the ass*, especially since I was down to one type of gem that would give skillup points, and it was yellow, meaning it would only give the point sometimes. But see, there was this thing you could get from the trainer that you could do once a day that would give a for-sure skillup point--the trainer, not a design that'd have to be bought after saving up with the stupid get-it-once-a-day token. And this thing could have bought from the trainer oh, like twenty skillup points ago? But I just...forgot. I though I'd gotten all the stuff from the JC trainer, and didn't check back, and I just forgot. Stupid dumbass mistake, right? So the special gem with the yellow type of skillup went green--which means rarely giving a skillup point--and I got frustrated and pissed at the game, at the fact that I'd have to try to do five more points to max the skill off something that was hard to get the materials for, and would rarely give points.
At which point one of my friends, one of the people I care about what they think of me, just sort of boggled that didn't I remember that thing from the trainer that could be once a day for a guaranteed skillup? And I just felt so dumb when I found out that they were indeed correct. But what really got me was how, in voice chat with everyone listening, this friend, who I know meant well, just kept going on about how I could have been doing this for once a day for twenty skill points by now, and how I'd probably have had the skill maxed already, and just the way he said it, I just felt like so in the spotlight, with this fucking neon sign pointing at me about what a stupid dumbfuck moron I was. It's like...I didn't *mean* to forget. But I feel like it's just another thing that I'm constantly doing wrong, yet another thing where I'm just failing, not being a good, intelligent player like the rest of them, just some bumbling fool that has to be held by the hand through everything.
It's just...I tend to think a lot of bad things about myself, but it rankles when others say bad things about me or point out my mistakes. For some reason its different--even if I think/feel much worse things about me any outside person does. It just feels worse. But the worst thing is when people point out my failings in front of others, especially if it's done in such a manner that *really* puts it in the spotlight how I'm a fuck-up. It's just...really a blow to the ego. It just gives me this horrible gut-gnawing feeling of embarassment that, to be honest, never really goes away. Even if they're right, even if I'm thinking/feeling the same things that they're pointing out, it just makes me feel so small and stupid. And all I can feel is that here's another reason why my thoughts/beliefs/opinions will never be taken seriously or respected. Because how could I be right/correct when there were all those other times that I was a dumbass idiot fuck-up? And I'm a dumbass *a lot*. It just feels like sometimes, especially lately, it's just one thing after another.
And yes, it's just a game. But it's a game where I are about my standing in the group, care about my performance and what others think of it. I try to be the best that I can because it *matters* to me. If it didn't matter, I wouldn't be trying to raid, or if I were, I'd be in some casual guild, not with a group that while not hardcore, cares about progression. And well, while yes, it is a game, it's also one of the last things I have that I'm not a complete failure at, so I kind of cling to it. I've screwed up *a lot* in my life, and am inconsistent at a lot of things anymore, but at the moment, I still have this, so I keep caring about how I do. I don't want it to turn into yet another thing I used to be okay at and then crashed and burned, like schooling, intelligence, work, people skills, being a decent person, and so on.
Anyway. Blah blah blah words. I suppose part of it is just having my sleep schedule go wacked lately, and running short negatively affecting my mood, and/or hormones starting to kick in once again. And in the end, it's nothing that truly matters, because it's not RL stuff.
Wanted to come up with a list of New Year's resolutions, but I think at most I'm going to only focus on 1)use the damned WiiFit thing I bought last summer, and 2)write, especially original poetry. Though I've really dropped the ball on my hc- and au-bingo cards, as well as the j2everafter challenge.
So the guild GM and raid lead talked with the guy who's been an asshole, and decided to give him another chance rather than "one strike you're out". Admittedly, the person did apologize to the GM for his behavior to them and promise to not behave like that again. So now everyone's all friendly and buddy buddy and such. I just kind of...I dunno. I still don't feel comfortable around the individual, though I've promised to follow their decision and be civil. I just note that there was no apology to me. Even though I was also treated like crap by them, in just a public arena as guild chat (i.e. the voice chat and guild forums.) It just kind of bothers me that they got to be that way to me, where other people could see, and not have to make just as public amends.
At the least, the apology to our guild GM was important, since there was nothing to justify his behavior to them, but I still feel that his rationalization for why he treated me in that manner was flimsy, because *he* was the one that caused me to be upset and raise my voice--what was I supposed to do, just take that treatment and not respond? Be a good little female and do as the male orders, even though they're a fellow guild member and not an officer, even though *they* were assisting *me*?
Anyway, if he does something like that again, he's out, but still. Just hate the concept that someone can do stuff like that where everyone can see, then it's quietly resolved and swept under the rug, even though people will remember what went on, and I feel like I'm the one that ends up looking bad from it, because of the things the guy said (because while our GM was also a target, I feel like they're respected and approved of, whereas I feel like I'm constantly the guild dumbass/moron, and this has emphasized that once more. The one area where I felt like I was kind of resident expert on the profession, and all I got from this guy was all this judging and crap about how I was doing everything wrong, and that's what'll stick in peoples' minds.)
I know I'm overreacting, but it doesn't help that I feel like I'm in a constant state of stupid gamewise, anyway. Previously-asshole's cousin likes to spam DPS meters in our guild 5mans when he's on top, and I've been feeling like he's been using it as unstated commentary about my performance. (Though admittedly, this guy doesn't post those meters when he isn't on top.) And recently I had a random whisper in-game from someone I have absolutely no clue who it was, where all they said was "you're gearing all wrong" or something to that effect. The thing is, the game's in a state of flux right now--theorycrafting's just finally really establishing how to do things, and it wasn't until just before Christmas that the main site I prefer my theorycrafting guide from (Elitist Jerks) came out with their post for destruction warlocks. So I was getting information from various other places, and it *kept changing and conflicting about what to do*, which was *maddening*. But I was still doing well--but I did discover that the EJ guide was out because that whisper messed with my head, and now I'm doing better on Ak. Hell, that freaking easy PVP boss in Tol Barad, which is absolutely cake and the sort of fight I can shine on, I fucking kicked everyone's asses DPSwise, even the e-peen meter-spammer.
So yeah, good that that information came out, good that I was reminded to go check for it again--but it wasn't like I wasn't *trying* to find the right information. I'd been out to the Warlock's Den forums, I was looking at several blogs--including one from a member of Ensidia--I was reforging and regemming and adjusting my rotation constantly. So whoever that fucker was that whispered me that I was just 'doing things wrong' can suck it. I've been *trying*. (I still wonder who that person was, whether it was random, whether it was an alt for someone I knew/know, and whether it was meant to 'help', or meant to fuck with me.)
But the kicker is last night, after various things, another thing that happened in voice chat. So I've been trying to max this jewelcrafter skill, and it's been a *pain in the ass*, especially since I was down to one type of gem that would give skillup points, and it was yellow, meaning it would only give the point sometimes. But see, there was this thing you could get from the trainer that you could do once a day that would give a for-sure skillup point--the trainer, not a design that'd have to be bought after saving up with the stupid get-it-once-a-day token. And this thing could have bought from the trainer oh, like twenty skillup points ago? But I just...forgot. I though I'd gotten all the stuff from the JC trainer, and didn't check back, and I just forgot. Stupid dumbass mistake, right? So the special gem with the yellow type of skillup went green--which means rarely giving a skillup point--and I got frustrated and pissed at the game, at the fact that I'd have to try to do five more points to max the skill off something that was hard to get the materials for, and would rarely give points.
At which point one of my friends, one of the people I care about what they think of me, just sort of boggled that didn't I remember that thing from the trainer that could be once a day for a guaranteed skillup? And I just felt so dumb when I found out that they were indeed correct. But what really got me was how, in voice chat with everyone listening, this friend, who I know meant well, just kept going on about how I could have been doing this for once a day for twenty skill points by now, and how I'd probably have had the skill maxed already, and just the way he said it, I just felt like so in the spotlight, with this fucking neon sign pointing at me about what a stupid dumbfuck moron I was. It's like...I didn't *mean* to forget. But I feel like it's just another thing that I'm constantly doing wrong, yet another thing where I'm just failing, not being a good, intelligent player like the rest of them, just some bumbling fool that has to be held by the hand through everything.
It's just...I tend to think a lot of bad things about myself, but it rankles when others say bad things about me or point out my mistakes. For some reason its different--even if I think/feel much worse things about me any outside person does. It just feels worse. But the worst thing is when people point out my failings in front of others, especially if it's done in such a manner that *really* puts it in the spotlight how I'm a fuck-up. It's just...really a blow to the ego. It just gives me this horrible gut-gnawing feeling of embarassment that, to be honest, never really goes away. Even if they're right, even if I'm thinking/feeling the same things that they're pointing out, it just makes me feel so small and stupid. And all I can feel is that here's another reason why my thoughts/beliefs/opinions will never be taken seriously or respected. Because how could I be right/correct when there were all those other times that I was a dumbass idiot fuck-up? And I'm a dumbass *a lot*. It just feels like sometimes, especially lately, it's just one thing after another.
And yes, it's just a game. But it's a game where I are about my standing in the group, care about my performance and what others think of it. I try to be the best that I can because it *matters* to me. If it didn't matter, I wouldn't be trying to raid, or if I were, I'd be in some casual guild, not with a group that while not hardcore, cares about progression. And well, while yes, it is a game, it's also one of the last things I have that I'm not a complete failure at, so I kind of cling to it. I've screwed up *a lot* in my life, and am inconsistent at a lot of things anymore, but at the moment, I still have this, so I keep caring about how I do. I don't want it to turn into yet another thing I used to be okay at and then crashed and burned, like schooling, intelligence, work, people skills, being a decent person, and so on.
Anyway. Blah blah blah words. I suppose part of it is just having my sleep schedule go wacked lately, and running short negatively affecting my mood, and/or hormones starting to kick in once again. And in the end, it's nothing that truly matters, because it's not RL stuff.
Wanted to come up with a list of New Year's resolutions, but I think at most I'm going to only focus on 1)use the damned WiiFit thing I bought last summer, and 2)write, especially original poetry. Though I've really dropped the ball on my hc- and au-bingo cards, as well as the j2everafter challenge.
no subject
Though I've really dropped the ball on my hc- and au-bingo cards, as well as the j2everafter challenge.
Oh, you did? You wanted to write the 'Gulliver' one which wasn't any Gulliver at all, right? How was it... Laputa!?
no subject
What a buffoon. Boys have absolutely no tact or sensitivity sometimes. Even JP, who I feel is a fairly evolved male, can say things that are honest but so effing hurtful! And they don't come from a bad place - but that doesn't make it hurt any less. :(
no subject
Yesterday I was on an airplane that offered WiFi, and the guy in the suit across the aisle from me with his laptop open had a WOW screen up. :) I thought of you.
Also, I'm in a coffee shop right now, and "I Shot the Sheriff" is playing. Things that make me think of SPN...