whitereflection (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
whitereflection) wrote2001-12-05 03:30 pm
whitereflection) wrote2001-12-05 03:30 pm
How much *should* I say here, anyway...?
LiveJournal sucks ass. I mean that. I remember now why I'd given up on it for so long. If I get one more "page cannot be displayed" message I will go fucking postal.
Feh. Anyway, the house did sell, after us dumping a ton of money into it doing the damned repairs the buyer wanted, and we did find a decent house to buy. I rather like it actually. Surprisingly. We spent two months in moving hell--stuff into storage, and us staying with a friend (imagine 3 people and four cats in a 3 BR apt), then us and cats and stuff from storage into the new place a month later. And now? Well, I guess we're settling in. I have found though, that I am having trouble caring about getting unpacked, or doing the home repairs we planned (we got carpeting in, but the dishwasher isn't installed yet).
It's just...what do you do when you land in the middle of a goddamned *identity crisis* at 28? Isn't that supposed to happen when you're middle aged? Feh...and it's sticking around, too--I've been dealing with this severe questioning of self thing for a good many months now. And I am discovering that when you learn things about yourself, that you can't just hide it inside and pretend it's not really happening. I've been trying, and I think I'm starting to crack. Hell, I've been cracking for two months now. It's getting harder to be smiley and laughing and pretend to be funny and all that.
Things I am realizing--don't get married. Because if one day you change, you are very screwed. Because if you fall in love with someone else, you've got *vows* staring you in the eye. Because they don't tell you in high school or college that you might not figure out things like sexual orientation right away, and yes it's possible to be questioning even when you're near or in your 30s...even later I've heard. And even if you're just figuring out you're bi, the consequences can fuck your life up but good. Why the fuck am I saying this?? I think it's because I can't talk to anyone...not one fucking person, because they're all connected somehow--but I need to talk, and talk very badly. I meant that cracking up thing. I don't do trapped very well...
...one part of me says I shouldn't post this. But I am really damned tired of hiding, and having secrets, and realizing I am lying to myself and those important to me. Honesty is one of the things I value most, and I am not being honest right now, because I'm trying so hard to be the "good girl", and do what everyone says is right. And maybe if I post this, I'll finally step off that edge I've been balancing on for months now, and start talking to people in RL.
I have a feeling life is going to become very ugly soon.
Feh. Anyway, the house did sell, after us dumping a ton of money into it doing the damned repairs the buyer wanted, and we did find a decent house to buy. I rather like it actually. Surprisingly. We spent two months in moving hell--stuff into storage, and us staying with a friend (imagine 3 people and four cats in a 3 BR apt), then us and cats and stuff from storage into the new place a month later. And now? Well, I guess we're settling in. I have found though, that I am having trouble caring about getting unpacked, or doing the home repairs we planned (we got carpeting in, but the dishwasher isn't installed yet).
It's just...what do you do when you land in the middle of a goddamned *identity crisis* at 28? Isn't that supposed to happen when you're middle aged? Feh...and it's sticking around, too--I've been dealing with this severe questioning of self thing for a good many months now. And I am discovering that when you learn things about yourself, that you can't just hide it inside and pretend it's not really happening. I've been trying, and I think I'm starting to crack. Hell, I've been cracking for two months now. It's getting harder to be smiley and laughing and pretend to be funny and all that.
Things I am realizing--don't get married. Because if one day you change, you are very screwed. Because if you fall in love with someone else, you've got *vows* staring you in the eye. Because they don't tell you in high school or college that you might not figure out things like sexual orientation right away, and yes it's possible to be questioning even when you're near or in your 30s...even later I've heard. And even if you're just figuring out you're bi, the consequences can fuck your life up but good. Why the fuck am I saying this?? I think it's because I can't talk to anyone...not one fucking person, because they're all connected somehow--but I need to talk, and talk very badly. I meant that cracking up thing. I don't do trapped very well...
...one part of me says I shouldn't post this. But I am really damned tired of hiding, and having secrets, and realizing I am lying to myself and those important to me. Honesty is one of the things I value most, and I am not being honest right now, because I'm trying so hard to be the "good girl", and do what everyone says is right. And maybe if I post this, I'll finally step off that edge I've been balancing on for months now, and start talking to people in RL.
I have a feeling life is going to become very ugly soon.
no subject
Re:LiveJournal -- it isn't your fault, per se. Basically, the people running LJ didn't anticipate the popularity of their site. That's why they're having all these problems. Maybe if there was more of an incentive for people to get paid accounts, I dunno. -_-;