whitereflection | More apologies...

I've come to feel I've said too much here recently. I think I've gone beyond the point of open and honest or venting to just revealing too much--a WTMI (way too much information) sort of thing. And I'm sorry...at the time I didn't consider that it might make anyone uncomfortable, and I really, truly wasn't out to make anyone worry about me.

I guess it's just...I've been carrying a lot of anger and other negative emotions around for a long time, and sometimes, like recently, that anger and emotion flares up. Sometimes it gets directed at others, a lot of times it gets directed at me--it's especially easy to direct anger at myself. And that sort of thinking/talking/acting is a result.

I just know how bad it looks--melodramatic at best and psychotic at worst. And just...too much, in general. I tend to curb that, usually, I just let more of it out and made it more visible this time. I really shouldn't have. For someone who worries as much as I do what others think about me, and worries about stretching the bonds of friendship too far, I really let too much of the negative stuff show. I am sorry about that.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Hey, you've seen my posts, haven't you? I tell people so much that they may as well live in my head sometimes, I think. But that's because I have this journal for a reason--it's MY journal, and I can say whatever I want in it, because it's MINE. The people on my friends list are there cause I trust them, otherwise I take them off without a second thought. You need to feel the same way too. Even if you make the post private, or friends only--it's YOUR journal, say whatever you want in it. We won't accuse you of being melodramatic, whiny, or an attention-whore--this isn't a public forum. It's a journal. So don't feel bad when you use it like one.

Logically, yeah, I know what you mean. And usually I'm one of the biggest proponents of using LJ to say whatever the hell you want or need, since it is *yours*.

I guess emotionally though, I worry sometimes about what I've said or want to say. Not like I've ever had anyone take me too much to task for it (only really got zinged by one person once about something I'd said about them), but I've got this quirk about driving people away. That if I either show what I'm really like, or show the most extreme-freaked out parts of me, that people will pull back. I know I shouldn't worry like that, that I should trust those that are closest, but I do trip up on that still. And I really don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, but that's another thing I really shouldn't worry about.

The biggest thing though, is I do know people have a tolerance limit--if someone bitches about the same thing over and over, people get tired of it after a while. Most folks get to the point where they figure someone should just fix the situation. And well, I've been dealing with this identity/relationship issue for the past couple-few years now (which of course covers well over the whole time I've had a lj)--and yeah I'd working with it, dealing with it. But I haven't fixed things, I haven't changed things, just complained and freaked out repeatedly--and I know I'm about at that point where I should just change or shut up, know what I mean? I guess the trouble is I can't change things quite yet, there's stuff I'm just not ready to do--but at the same time I can't just keep dumping the same crap on my friends.

I guess that's what I was worrying about--too much of the 'same old shit' that might fry people too much. And a bit was me freaking a bit that I'd let too much of what I prefer to keep hidden show. Don't like to show that part of myself, and it hits too close to things I don't want to be open about. But that's just me being weird and easily embarrassed, I guess.

Shit, I can ramble bad. Sorry about that. Anyway, short form is I do understand what you mean. Really I do. I've just been weird and not following the advice I give to people myself. Eh.

Anyway, catch ya later. *hugs* Hope the rest of your day is better than the early part.

--Di

More apologies...

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