whitereflection | More apologies...

I've come to feel I've said too much here recently. I think I've gone beyond the point of open and honest or venting to just revealing too much--a WTMI (way too much information) sort of thing. And I'm sorry...at the time I didn't consider that it might make anyone uncomfortable, and I really, truly wasn't out to make anyone worry about me.

I guess it's just...I've been carrying a lot of anger and other negative emotions around for a long time, and sometimes, like recently, that anger and emotion flares up. Sometimes it gets directed at others, a lot of times it gets directed at me--it's especially easy to direct anger at myself. And that sort of thinking/talking/acting is a result.

I just know how bad it looks--melodramatic at best and psychotic at worst. And just...too much, in general. I tend to curb that, usually, I just let more of it out and made it more visible this time. I really shouldn't have. For someone who worries as much as I do what others think about me, and worries about stretching the bonds of friendship too far, I really let too much of the negative stuff show. I am sorry about that.

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I know I'm not a friend of yours in the strict sense of the word, but... maybe you are still judging yourself a little too harsh?

I didn't get any melodramatic and psychotic vibes from your posts at all, just the idea that you needed to vent. ^^ You're having some trouble with some part of your actions, and things just come to a head, and you can't keep silently brooding on them anymore - you need to blow off steam, to get rid of all the stuff. I think everybody has moments where they're having a tough time because they feel like they're not living up to their standards... It's just a part of the human experience. ^^

And it's far less stressful to post this kind of thing openly than to churn and chip away at it silently in the corners of your mind... A friend of mine justifies these feelings as "psychological upkeep" - feeling like this every once in awhile helps to keep him sane. I liken it to a thunderstorm - not the most pleasant of weather, but there's a lovely smell of fresh ozone in the air when it's blown over.

Hey. I appreciate you taking the time to say something, especially since we just 'met' not that long ago (but even an acquaintance is a sort of friend, just one starting out :) ). And you've got good things to say--any sort of wisdom is good at times like these. Anyway, thanks. Though I don't think I'm being too harsh on myself--but I'm working on all that, or trying to.

Heh, though the way I go, this sort of venting feels more like tornado or hurricane than thunderstorm. Volcano...that would be applicable, too. Eh. ^^;

Oh, and hope all the exams are going ok--good luck on all of that.

--Di

All right, stop that worrying! (From a fellow worrier, I know, impossible to do but had to at least attempt it!)

We all go off at times, and the powers know, you've listened to me rant often enough. It is healthy to find a medium to let it out in, and here in our journals is a good place. Most of us have them set with our circle of friends who know us and how we are, so I wouldn't worry about how others think of you. From my own personal standing, there wouldn't be much you could post that would cause me to think differently about you than I do already. You are a dearly held, deeply caring, darling friend. You feel things strong and express them the same way and I love that about you no matter how others might misunderstand you.

Since we often lose track of each other at times, I look forward to your entries because they keep me in touch with that sweet lady in Nebraska who I get to hug all too rarely!

:::::::::HUGSHUGSHUGS::::::::: (did you know that according to the radio this morning, someone has designated this as National Hug Day? ::grin::)

First off, many thanks for advice/wisdom and the hugs. They're all much needed and appreciated. You're right, tho, that it's darned impossible to stop worrying, but I am trying. Just tends to sneak up on me a lot--I tend to fret too often about what others think, and be to self-conscious because of it.

But I know, it is good to vent, and I do so a lot. I just...I still feel I went too extreme and dark and negative. Not that I don't feel those things, I just don't like to show them, show that that's in me. There's still a lot I try to keep under wraps, and I probably keep more 'secret' than I should. I really felt bad though for making people worry--and that's the last thing I want to do, worry people, make them upset or scare them.

Gads, I'm rambling, forgive me. I can't seem to help it lately. I guess that on the other hand, I still can't help but fear that I'll eventually show something that drives them off, makes them think less of me, or makes them not like me. I don't know if it's that I've had people drift off before, and I can't help but think it was them seeing too much of the real me. There's so much I dislike about myself, so much that is wrong about me, that I a)have trouble seeing the good person that people say I am and b)almost expect that people will eventually see those 'wrong' things too and react negatively. Because there are things about me that I feel are just not good, and I guess I'm always worried that it's just a matter of time before others discover that.

But geez, I really shouldn't be going on like that when you've shown so much caring and support for me. I shouldn't be throwing all the positive and uplifting things you're saying back at you--especially since I do appreciate and value what you say very much. I guess it's just another thing I need to work on, in addition to trusting that those I care for also care for me, no matter what.

And I really do miss you. I haven't been able to see and hang out with you near often enough, and my move to AIM has really thwapped my times to message/chat with ya (though I'm really bad about getting on even AIM lately). I need to learn to be better about phonecalling or something--I used to be great at that in high school, but now I almost don't like the phone. ^^;; Like you say, at least there's lj and email--I'm really glad I can keep in touch with you this way.

But thank you again for all the hugs and kind words. I am trying to work on things in general, especially on how I'm handling my emotion, and it helps to kind of lean on peoples' virtual shoulders. Gah, I'm rambling really bad, and I wanna find that other message of yours.

But take care--been thinking about ya and missing ya. And as always, I hope that work doesn't eat at you too bad--wish I knew a better place for you than that. ^^;;

Anyway, *manymanyhugs* back, and catchya later,
--Di k

Hey, you've seen my posts, haven't you? I tell people so much that they may as well live in my head sometimes, I think. But that's because I have this journal for a reason--it's MY journal, and I can say whatever I want in it, because it's MINE. The people on my friends list are there cause I trust them, otherwise I take them off without a second thought. You need to feel the same way too. Even if you make the post private, or friends only--it's YOUR journal, say whatever you want in it. We won't accuse you of being melodramatic, whiny, or an attention-whore--this isn't a public forum. It's a journal. So don't feel bad when you use it like one.

Logically, yeah, I know what you mean. And usually I'm one of the biggest proponents of using LJ to say whatever the hell you want or need, since it is *yours*.

I guess emotionally though, I worry sometimes about what I've said or want to say. Not like I've ever had anyone take me too much to task for it (only really got zinged by one person once about something I'd said about them), but I've got this quirk about driving people away. That if I either show what I'm really like, or show the most extreme-freaked out parts of me, that people will pull back. I know I shouldn't worry like that, that I should trust those that are closest, but I do trip up on that still. And I really don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, but that's another thing I really shouldn't worry about.

The biggest thing though, is I do know people have a tolerance limit--if someone bitches about the same thing over and over, people get tired of it after a while. Most folks get to the point where they figure someone should just fix the situation. And well, I've been dealing with this identity/relationship issue for the past couple-few years now (which of course covers well over the whole time I've had a lj)--and yeah I'd working with it, dealing with it. But I haven't fixed things, I haven't changed things, just complained and freaked out repeatedly--and I know I'm about at that point where I should just change or shut up, know what I mean? I guess the trouble is I can't change things quite yet, there's stuff I'm just not ready to do--but at the same time I can't just keep dumping the same crap on my friends.

I guess that's what I was worrying about--too much of the 'same old shit' that might fry people too much. And a bit was me freaking a bit that I'd let too much of what I prefer to keep hidden show. Don't like to show that part of myself, and it hits too close to things I don't want to be open about. But that's just me being weird and easily embarrassed, I guess.

Shit, I can ramble bad. Sorry about that. Anyway, short form is I do understand what you mean. Really I do. I've just been weird and not following the advice I give to people myself. Eh.

Anyway, catch ya later. *hugs* Hope the rest of your day is better than the early part.

--Di

More apologies...

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