meh

Feb. 27th, 2011 07:08 pm
whitereflection: (sam doesn't make a difference)
Another episode of How I Suck At Everything. This time, tabletop gaming edition. Can't wait for the next episode, online computer game edition (part eleventy-billion), coming tonight. Yeah, I know, just downhormonemo, but still. Just would like to do things and, preferably, be good at them, or at least just be able to do them and have fun without having to always having it pointed out that I'm fucking up. (And it bothers me when I try to talk about it with someone, and I don't get empathy or sympathy, just get blown off. Thanks.) Sometimes I think, is this the way things really are supposed to be--40 more years of just kind of being a screw-up? I just, seriously, what's the point. It's too bad I have no interest in children, my own or adopted, so I could at least feel like I accomplished something.

Funeral for my uncle is on Tuesday, at practically the exact same time my dentist appointment should have been. So first thing Monday I have to call my dentist and re-reschedule (funny thing how I just rescheduled last week because their office-closed days changed).

Been a fuckin cranky old woman the past couple days. Just...annoyed by stupid crap, and feeling like I am totally missing something by the way I simply don't care about certain things that others fan so hard they're all but in hysterics. I dunno, I guess, I just don't go hysterical about celebrities, and I still just am missing *something* about the one that like the whole fandom is nuts over--and I don't gush over celebrity couples, so when people freaking go insane about them, I just am like "...um, okay?" I dunno. I guess I'm just too old, too cynical and jaded, or something. And I'm a fucking picky bitch, too--saw a fic posted to some comm last night that if I didn't have a brain-to-typing filter, so *so* wanted to comment "Ohmygod, are you 12 or something?" So hi, I am a horrible person and full of unpopular opinions and bad thoughts.

emü

Feb. 7th, 2011 10:08 pm
whitereflection: (sam blood sugar sex magik)
Fri: mood actually up
Sat/Sun until 6:30ish: mood decent
Sun 6:30-730: mood crash (insert sound of airplane crashing/exploding here)

No reason. Just happened, hard and fast. Is like that sometimes. Practically like a switch being flipped. And seems to have taken every bit of physical and mental energy with. Swear my 'personal space bubble' increased to like a 20ft radius, didn't even log into WoW last night, and tonight about begged to sit out of raid. Such a withdrawn, mopey bastard--self, you are awesome. Perhaps is hormonal. Pretty Much Sucks. :p

Anyway. Blah blah blah. Took Mom to Trader Joes this aft, though, so I'm not totally a useless lump \o/

ugh

Jan. 27th, 2011 04:43 pm
whitereflection: (sam um...yeah :|)
Low mood, not feeling well, not getting done what I promised someone I'd do. And opened my virtual mouth and hit someone with major TMI and am regretting such. Way to push boundaries in the name of being sympathetic, self. I'm great at making people uncomfortable.

New warlock in guild (person from our old guild rejoining us) is, as I expected, kicking my ass hard in DPS. Not only is this person very good, but it just shows how bad of a player I am. I'm mistake prone, I forget things, I'm not efficient about spell rotations/cooldowns, my reflexes are crappy. I can keep trying to learn, but honestly that's what I've been doing for 6 years of gaming. I'm just at heart a lousy player, and it's kind of embarassing to have it so spotlighted again. Also, observing subtle sexism in game makes my stomach knot. Or maybe the individuals in question are just being assholes and it wouldn't matter who to--but I have this feeling, especially considering the past issue, that it's more than that.

Went to finally spend my Amz giftcard from my brother for my birthday last summer (I know...), and...I swear, I used to spend so damned much on music. But I could find barely anything I wanted. All my favorites, I mean, they're still good, but almost all of them are doing stuff that's no longer my musical tastes. Kind of sucks. At least picked up two new things from Ben Cooper: a new EP for his Radical Face work, and his latest Electric Presidents CD. At least, he's got 3 new projects in the works for 2011, so that'll give me something to listen to eventually. Also got the other Ian Astbury/Unkle song, and the newest Assemblage 23 for when I'm in an electronic mood. Just weird to still have a balance with Amz (not counting the iTunes gc from the husband I still have). I swear, I used to devour music, what the hell's wrong with me. Need to try to find new groups/artists to try, I guess. (Thought I was going to try more Mogwai, but I dunno, the samples just weren't hooking me like their newest did.)

*

http://lazy-daze.livejournal.com/681380.html
I See Lightning, J2, NC17, ~3,100, breathplay
Leaving myself this to reread, seriously got under my skin. Not just because of the kink or the fact that it's so well-written--but how incredibly well she gets inside Jared's head and enables the reader to share that headspace, before, during and after. And the incredible feel of trust, caring and love that is shown between the two is as much the reason it was so powerful and intense as the kink and sex.

*

Wonder if this is 'coming down with something' or just allergy flare up. And wonder if the husband would mind pizza or something.
whitereflection: (sam the end.)
Day before yesterday during all the [livejournal.com profile] spnland comment spam challenge, I was in such a happy mood. Then yesterday it just all went poof so quick--meh during the day, and late got hit with an emo brick (and even dug out my old 'melancholy' iTunes playlist. Though some of that music is really good...) Want to hide in an unproductive mope, but promised I'd so something for someone today, so I can't.

I love the idea for that [livejournal.com profile] schmoop_bingo, and want to get a card, but they don't let you request to not get certain choices. And I really, really, really am not comfortable working with the topic of pregnancy, which they have on there of course (twice, I think, no three), and trying to do anything regarding kids/children (which there are a bunch of selections for) just would be so unfun I can't even explain it. I know you can get one bingo and ditch the card, but with so many choices being pregnancy/baby/child related, I get mental images of a card full of such and not being able to make even one bingo. >_< I feel like I'm the only person in the world that finds such topics the absolute opposite of schmoopy.

Good grief, I'm so stupidly down for no reason. This is ridiculous.

whatnot

Jun. 3rd, 2010 12:56 pm
whitereflection: (Default)
Afkjsdf, why are all the J2 photos floating around making me weepy. I don't get me.

Bebop-cat's been acting sick for days, going to take him into the vet tomorrow. Can't tell what's wrong with him at all, but all he's doing is sleeping and that's just not him. Isn't eating well either, and that's definitely off.

Got our 10man guild started. Still bitter that we can't use the name Fire Still Hot, would love to smack whomever's holding the name hostage (there's no guild with the name, but it's reserved, so someone started a charter and never finished it). Ended up with the name Woken Too Soon. Though something about it keeps feeling grammatically odd? Not sure what though. This far out of college though, I don't know proper grammar anymore--probably just one of those things like me trying to put commas all over where there shouldn't be any. Amazingly smooth 10man last night though, considering we picked up 4 pug players.

There's pms, and there's mood swinging low so hard that one is almost non-functional. I shouldn't have to drill sergeant-talk myself through basic life tasks. Ffffff. Not to mention there's spnland stuff I needneedneed to do for Saturday. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
whitereflection: (winchesters unimpressed and kinda offend)
TopatoCo: RE: Your Brains Shirt
This is the best thing in the history of EVER. No way in hell should I be spending frivolously, but HELL YES I am getting that.

Imagine PMS is a semi-truck driven by a possessed dude, and I'm the poor little Impala. That pretty much explains why I'm all OMGWOE and WAH PEOPLE I LIKE SURELY CAN'T STAND ME and stupidity of that sort at the moment.

Also, am an impostor of a geek. Up until now I'd only seen a couple later episodes of the X-Files, plus its movie and pilot. A billion years late to the party, have finally started watching it with the folks that came over tonight. It is as awesome as I was told oh, fifteen years ago. Yeah.
whitereflection: (sam meditations (panic room))
http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=552
Yeah.

TopatoCo: (3) Honor Student Bumper Stickers
from http://wondermark.com/552/
Why is this not on a t-shirt? Why? I just...what I would do for that as a shirt.

Bummed out over a stupid, minor, tiny thing. One of those body of an adult/brain of a insecure teenage girl things. Just have had a certain mental/emotional button pretty much all my life, way back since I was a kid, of how if someone wanted to be a friend, that when I'd let them get to know me, they'd not want to be a friend anymore. Kinda got that button pressed again. Suckage. Doesn't matter if you're 36, 26, 16, or 6, it always kinda blows.

Wish I would've put this on that Sam fanmix:
http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/3530822107858766939/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KkUeRPjc-Y
Someday I'll get to see these guys live in concert and then I'll be able to die happy. :p

swing

Apr. 30th, 2010 05:34 pm
whitereflection: (sam meditations (panic room))
Man, I hate how something like hormones can harsh my squee so much, and so thoroughly. Was all excited and eager this morning, heck even since last night, and now just...meh. But it makes little things like the cats hairballing (goddamnit, spring) or yet more stupid ffs guild drama bring me down stupidly hard. And glad I got the fanmix posting out of the way first thing because by now I'm all "bah, it sucks" and would have convinced myself to just ditch it. Blah.

But yeah, meh. Mope mope mope. Also I like how when in-game friend sends a message asking for advice re: our guild drama (our guild leader's quitting the game entirely), and I send him a several paragraph reaction and then plainly state that I don't have a clue how to handle things yet and will need a day or two to think about it--he promptly messages back and says he'll be in Vent tonight. I dunno, but tonight doesn't sound like 'a day or two' that I said I'd need, does it? Wait there all you want, dude, but I'm not gonna freaking be there. Need some mental space and hiding time, thanks. Grr. Argh.

Oh jeebus, [livejournal.com profile] verbranden. :x Just saw that message, sending thoughts to you guys. Hope he's okay.

This is just lovely and vivid and hits me just right:
http://community.livejournal.com/huntersarchives/49154.html
Into this house we’re born by [livejournal.com profile] paxlux, PG-13, Gen, 2636 words
whitereflection: (sam oh fuck *that* shit)
I sort of noticed yesterday, but have really, really, really noticed today, that I am extremely, horribly, excruciatingly irritable and cranky. And petty and petulant. :< I understand being tired and drained but good freaking grief, this is ridiculous. I've been snarky at folks online here, short with the husband, and extremely snippy with Mom. Even annoyed with the cats.

And now I'm finding I'm the sort of lousy person that can't just accept that people at a community are having fun with a topic that I'm not interested in, but instead am feeling whiny that they're not choosing a topic I do happen to be interested in. I mean, ffs, self, get over yourself and grow up. Let them have their fun and excitement and enthusiasm. Just because it is often emphasized that they're interested in this subset of fandom you're just not that into, it doesn't mean you're being left out or excluded.

Afsdfjghasdf arghlblargh. I hate me.

L.H. Puttgrass signing off and heading for the tub. (No, not really. Old Bloom County quote. I miss Bloom County.)


[Oh right, and to mention something that isn't me being a whiny little bint, here's a Supernatural video that is absofucking amazing. Seriously. Ab-so-fuh-king a-ma-zing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_fyhjDvsy4
Supernatural (go.back.to.sleep.) by TikiTyler9. Damned good shit. And I so freaking love that song. Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] fabilimah for reccing the video.]
whitereflection: (winchesters fuckin apple pie)
So this morning I'm a hell of a lot more irritable about show than I was last night for some reason. And we overslept. With the way my mood was/is, I felt like it should be thunderstorming outside, all dim and blue-grey--but no, it's *brilliantly* sunny, going to be freaking gorgeous today. And last night one of the officers in guild emoed out and made a note in our guild message of the day how he was disappointed in all of us because he's not getting enough people for 10man runs (which makes me feel *AWESOME* because I choose to not participate and I don't like being guilt tripped when that shit's optional). And I'm a fat tub who shouldn't be wasting money, but I stopped at McDonalds this morning because I needed bacon and fried potato grease like goddanged Prozac. And and and LJ is being a little bitch today. *Again*. Aasdfsfkjfdfk.

*King of All Cosmos voice* Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut~♥

[livejournal.com profile] octoberxsong sent me a puppy! \o/ ♥ \o/ ♥ Okay, a virtual gift puppy. But ♥ thank you, hon! How awesome is that? And Mom wants to go meet my aunt at this craft show in town, so that should be cool, right? And tomorrow Anj is bringing the second The Gamers movie for us all to watch--Dorkness Rising--so that should be *really* cool, right? And I can focus on Ninevveh-mage on Bronzebeard or Dasube-druid on the alli side of Eldre'Thalas if people are making me feel bad when I log in to my Dauntless toons (though I really do want to work on Wynn more, but she can wait til the emo dies down, yeah?)--or heck, maybe I'll start a Draenei paladin on Bronzebeard since I want an Impala I can work on while hanging with the DotA gals, but shouldn't waste more money transferring the one on Hellscream. SO THINGS CAN BE OKAY MAYBE, YES?

This week's post-SPN musical interlude; or, five to feel better on a Friday:
Andrew W.K. -- Kiseki http://www.mediafire.com/?hdzkyioudig
City and Colour -- The Girl http://www.mediafire.com/?mkl2jmzwytd
Elbow -- Grace Under Pressure http://www.mediafire.com/?wzanmzuqyy3
OK Go -- This Too Shall Pass (Live Version) http://www.mediafire.com/?iqqm4m2amjn
Matisyahu -- One Day http://www.mediafire.com/?nmzzunrfzyd
whitereflection: (sam losing it (all))
Stupid 3-ibuprofen headache. Stupid, stupid hormone/PMS depressive mood crash. Stupid feeling like fail because of a game. Stupid house feeling cold even though our highs this week are above freezing and we're actually getting thawing. Stupid me being useless-worthless and getting nothing done today, much less still not managing any writing at all (two months and counting...). Hell with ibuprofen. I'ma gonna go find a brick.

Least I'm managing to sleep by 2am lately. And the tree pruning to deal with the damage from the recent storms will just be a few hundred, not as bad as I'd anticipated. So.
whitereflection: (sam boy king)
"New Year's" movie get together at Don's today. Long one--1:30-9. I know I"ll have fun, but... >_< Slipped into a mood last night, just wanna sit at home and WoW and read fanfic while listening to music. Rediscovered the little bit of Agalloch I have (The Mantle and Ashes Against the Grain, need to relisten to Pale Folklore, too), so goddanged perfect for being moody in bitter winter times when there's too much snow. I need to put more of their stuff on my amz wishlist.
whitereflection: (Default)
As seen at today's [livejournal.com profile] crack_impala:
http://runedgirl.livejournal.com/45289.html
Some Wishes Are Worth Waiting For by [livejournal.com profile] runedgirl, Sam/Dean, NC17, 6400 words. Sam and Dean, a hunt, then Christmas Eve night with the family they helped. Sweet and utterly charming and adorable, lovely secondary characters, and just the most heartwarming sort of Sam/Dean, my absolutely favorite sort. And hot, too, very yum. But most of all, just so warmfuzzy and full of 'things will be okay' and love that I just want to hug it. Perfect holiday story.

(Just so moody this week, otherwise. Tired and PMSey and down about stupid game stuff of all things, and full of crankiness at my holiday procrastination. Need to get my ass in gear tomorrow. Extra annoyed that the computer I handed down to Mom had its power supply go bad, so of all things now our Christmas present to her is a new power supply for it, which seems sort of blah. :/ I feel bad the computer tower went bad like that, it's not that old, had no idea it would. Anyway. Eh. /sigh Criminy, the 13th already...

I will say that the community <lj user="wow_ladies" is amazing. Have lurked there for years, commented occasionally, but never posted. Finally did a rant there about one of the new dungeons--love Forge of Souls, Pit of Saron, and Halls of Reflection, but the heroic version of HoR is BALLS--and had like 45 comments to sort through this morning. The amount of commiserating, sympathy and advice was incredible \o/)

suckage

Oct. 29th, 2009 01:03 pm
whitereflection: (supernatural folklore (loser))
I suck, my writing sucks (and will always suck), and this is the Octoberiest October ever (and I love it but it also sucks). At least there is Show tonight yay. (Not that I'll be able to get anyone to squee about it with me, which sucks, but oh well. Will enjoy it anyway.)

Sucks sucks suck suck sucks. <--Just that would get some people 10 gushing reviews at ff.net. :p (Though why I care about ff.net I have no clue. Haven't uploaded anything there since early in the KH days...)

But seriously, I am so mentally/emotionally 13 the last couple weeks. What the hades is up with that?
whitereflection: (j2 coy glances secret smile)
Matisyahu: One Day (link because embedding is disabled)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=as7Y-mCiFaM
Nabbed the song from amz, been playing it...rather a lot. Sort of that audio feel-better bandaid thing, you know?

Pictures like the following:
http://pics.livejournal.com/whitereflection/pic/0004x2w0/
found at [livejournal.com profile] wanttobeatree who credits it to [livejournal.com profile] keepaofthecheez It is sort of my happy place and thing to mentally hug tight at the moment.


Been reading a lot of fic, avoiding WoW a lot the last few days (really very bothered by further issues with antagonism from ex-officer person; very nearly left guild over it. Only logged in enough to do the jewelcrafter daily quest and raid the last few days). Least Mom got that tooth dealt with, so I'm not having to worry about her in that regard. Need to rally the mental/emotional energy to kickstart the jobsearch. Having trouble just motivating enough to hang up that load of laundry.

August 2012

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