Aug. 4th, 2012

whitereflection: (Default)
So back last Christmas, my Dad asked me my opinion. For birthdays and Christmas gifts, he’s always given out cash. And he asked me, did I want the money donated to a charity (like he and my stepmother prefer to getting gifts), or did I still want the cash.

Well, to be quite honest, I preferred the cash. I’m still at a point in my life where I like getting things for myself, I am so often holding off on getting things, I always have a list of ‘fun’ things I’d like, since we’re careful to be thrifty and save. So I like getting fun money as gifts, money that I can just spend and not feel guilty about. So I told him so.

He ASKED. He got my opinion.

And then 8 months later here, I get my birthday card (sent early, it’s not until the 19th). And for a gift, he’s donated to a charity.

Why did he fucking ask my opinion, back last December. Why did he fucking ask what I wanted. If he was just going to do a thing, why even ask my goddamned preference. Okay, so you want to give gifts to charity instead of giving gifts to people FINE whatever.

But to ask my opinion about it, what I *wanted*, and then do the opposite of what I wanted. That, that hurts. That says “you didn’t give the answer I thought you should, so I’m doing x thing instead anyway.”

Why give me the illusion of choice. Why make it seem like my opinion has no importance, no value, no worth. Why make it feel like my opinion means NOTHING to you. Unless it coincides with what you wanted to do in the first place.

Great. I’m almost 39 years old, and I’m hurt, fucking *crushed* like some little girl. But god damn it, my own father specifically asked what I wanted, and then disregarded it and did the opposite. And all I can think is that it’s because I didn’t want the right thing, the correct thing. Or that it’s some punishment for some incorrect behavior because he threatened to do this sort of thing to my sister-in-law when she pissed him off about something BUT I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I MIGHT HAVE DONE. He’s never said he’s upset.

Or what’s worse…he might have just forgotten. That whole conversation that *he* brought up, the whole discussion we had. He might have just blown it off and forgotten. Which would really say something about the weight he gives my opinions and feelings.

I just…don’t get it. And I feel guilty, because what sort of person gets their feelings hurt or angry about money to charity. I feel like some greedy, horrible asshole.

Except he *asked*, he asked what I wanted. So why, WHY. Why ask my feelings on it. Why make me feel like my opinion on it mattered. Why not just say “this is how it’s going to be”. I mean, I just, I don’t.

Wow. And now I feel like crap in more ways than just cold-related.

(and now I'll have to grit my teeth and say thank you when next we talk on the phone, because funny thing is he fucking raised me to be polite and grateful. so, yeah. fuck. happy birthday food pantry it's on me. (long story short--if you want to give someone a choice and if you're not going to like one of the ways they could answer, or if you really just want to do it your way, THEN DON'T FUCKING GIVE THEM A CHOICE AT ALL. it's better off for everyone in the end.))

August 2012

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