Well, to be quite honest, I preferred the cash. I’m still at a point in my life where I like getting things for myself, I am so often holding off on getting things, I always have a list of ‘fun’ things I’d like, since we’re careful to be thrifty and save. So I like getting fun money as gifts, money that I can just spend and not feel guilty about. So I told him so.
He ASKED. He got my opinion.
And then 8 months later here, I get my birthday card (sent early, it’s not until the 19th). And for a gift, he’s donated to a charity.
Why did he fucking ask my opinion, back last December. Why did he fucking ask what I wanted. If he was just going to do a thing, why even ask my goddamned preference. Okay, so you want to give gifts to charity instead of giving gifts to people FINE whatever.
But to ask my opinion about it, what I *wanted*, and then do the opposite of what I wanted. That, that hurts. That says “you didn’t give the answer I thought you should, so I’m doing x thing instead anyway.”
Why give me the illusion of choice. Why make it seem like my opinion has no importance, no value, no worth. Why make it feel like my opinion means NOTHING to you. Unless it coincides with what you wanted to do in the first place.
Great. I’m almost 39 years old, and I’m hurt, fucking *crushed* like some little girl. But god damn it, my own father specifically asked what I wanted, and then disregarded it and did the opposite. And all I can think is that it’s because I didn’t want the right thing, the correct thing. Or that it’s some punishment for some incorrect behavior because he threatened to do this sort of thing to my sister-in-law when she pissed him off about something BUT I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I MIGHT HAVE DONE. He’s never said he’s upset.
Or what’s worse…he might have just forgotten. That whole conversation that *he* brought up, the whole discussion we had. He might have just blown it off and forgotten. Which would really say something about the weight he gives my opinions and feelings.
I just…don’t get it. And I feel guilty, because what sort of person gets their feelings hurt or angry about money to charity. I feel like some greedy, horrible asshole.
Except he *asked*, he asked what I wanted. So why, WHY. Why ask my feelings on it. Why make me feel like my opinion on it mattered. Why not just say “this is how it’s going to be”. I mean, I just, I don’t.
Wow. And now I feel like crap in more ways than just cold-related.
(and now I'll have to grit my teeth and say thank you when next we talk on the phone, because funny thing is he fucking raised me to be polite and grateful. so, yeah. fuck. happy birthday food pantry it's on me. (long story short--if you want to give someone a choice and if you're not going to like one of the ways they could answer, or if you really just want to do it your way, THEN DON'T FUCKING GIVE THEM A CHOICE AT ALL. it's better off for everyone in the end.))
Please repost this? I have never begged for one of my posts to be boosted. I am just so worried for my friends and want you to know.
According to this article, dated March 15, 2012:
"File-sharers, beware: By July 12, major US Internet service providers (ISPs) will voluntarily begin serving as copyright police for the entertainment industry, according to Cary Sherman, chief executive of the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA). The so-called “six-strikes” plan is said to be one of the most effective anti-piracy efforts ever established in the US."
The article goes on to give details. After six notices, internet providers will decide to throttle a person's internet speed, or cut it off altogether. I don't know if they will crack down on torrents only, or if it is up to the internet provider. I get the sense it is up to the internet provider. So some people could get away with downloading non torrents, while others might get their internet service cut off. I urge you to click it and read, as we all know people who download.
No more downloading eps of your favorite shows for vidding, gifs, or fanfiction art. No more downloading screencaps possibly. I'm so sorry my friends. I don't even know if BT Guard will work to protect you, but I would google it if I were you. It is a professional service that supposedly can protect you from the invasive eyes of your internet provider.
Just, my friends, please make each other aware. Please be aware of the date JULY 12TH. Mark your calendar and double check with your internet provider by then. If you start receiving notices of downloaded activity, this is why. And your internet service could be throttled or cut off.
Fox news confirms this:
Youtube video explaining this:
Edit: I'm also going to add that PeerBlock might be another program to look into. You can download it here.
Petition: RIAA and the Obama Administration: Stop ISPs from launching a massive copyright spying scheme this July 12th
For paxlux (because she asked, though tbh it was going to be for her anyway ♥)
A Love Song of Fight Or Flight
He's a kick to the chest.
You're only truly alive when there's danger singing in your veins,
arias of adrenaline,
and he threat-sparks your thunderclap heartbeat with a gun report smile
that shoots you right between the eyes.
The whole point to living, you've learned,
is so he can kill you.
(And death doesn't feel right unless it's by his hand.)
He's a knife to the throat.
No one still living knew your weaknesses.
You had no blind spots. You had perfect defenses none could breach,
then you let him through.
You looked away and he slid shiv-sharp right between your ribs.
Now you're spread out, arms open come-get-me wide,
presenting yourself like an offering of pressure points
for him to bruise beneath his hands.
He's a blow to the head,
a fist to the teeth.
His lips pressed to your skin hit like a punch in the gut
until three whispered words
and shatter your sternum;
you'd never even felt the press of metal concealed by tongue and teeth.
You help him steady his aim, tell him to fire again, again,
already craving the taste of more blood in the back of your mouth.
He's a kick to the chest, and you're falling.
He's a kick to your chest,
and you fall,
and you fall,
But also Pax has done gone and made me fall for a rare pair. :| From my rec post on tumblr:
Halo | by Paxlux | Tony/Loki (Avengers) | R/M | ~36K words
So it starts out with Pax telling me she's going to write something Tony/Loki and me thinking, hm, that could be interesting--and finishes with me being FUCKING RABID for the pair now. Which kills me, because this has got to be a massively rare pair, and where am I going to get my fix of fic of it? Especially more that's written as amazingly well as she does here.
The characters in this are just sparkling and sharp--her Tony is stellar, and her Loki is perfectly layered. Even the secondary characters are just spot on and vibrant, and the various friendships and team bonds (whether wacky and as nuts and the craziest of families in downtime, or a smoothly functioning unit in battle) really shine through. But most importantly, the chemistry between Tony and Loki is intense. Yet it's more than that; there's really something there between the two, more than just chemistry or a meeting of the minds.
It's a long fic, yes, but paced just right, and lets this complicated relationship of complicated characters develop in a very real way, while also having a really good action/villain story arc as well. I said many times in emails to her that I hope I enjoy the movie as much when it finally comes out, and hope the characters and their friendships/team relationships are just as freaking awesome.
But seriously--yeah, I've gotten hooked on the whole Steve/Tony ship that's out there, but I have to admit, I love Tony/Loki, at least how Pax writes it, far, far, far more. Pity her (though it's her own fault :p ) because I've already started gnawing on her about writing more with them. Obviously a 36k epic fic is not enough for greedy me. :|
In other news, in WoW, have accomplished the Through a Glass, Darkly quest, on the way to getting a legendary caster staff. UGH SO, SO DIFFICULT, or at least it's that hard for a warlock to do, but despite that, managed to succeed after two days' work, respeccing into a talent tree I'd never played before, a lot of in-game gold on materials to buff my character (not to mention repairs), and studying many guides other players had written. A long ways to go yet to get the staff (a couple of months of raiding for the quest drops needed), but the worst is over, and eventually I should be the second in our guild to get one.
From the flist:
Spread the word, even you're not a US citizen, it is important for everyone!! It easy to do and it can change everything. More info by clicking on the banner.
Read this analysis from boing-boing.net
Get on the phone and call your representative. Express your disapproval. Tell him or her exactly how you feel, and that you don't support this. Tell your friends to call their representatives, their Congressperson, and complain. Mention that you are a registered voter that takes your civic responsibility seriously and that you will use that vote to express your feelings about this.
“We support the bill’s stated goals — providing additional enforcement tools to combat foreign ‘rogue’ websites that are dedicated to copyright infringement or counterfeiting,” the Internet companies wrote in Tuesday’s letter. “Unfortunately, the bills as drafted would expose law-abiding U.S. Internet and technology companies to new uncertain liabilities, private rights of action and technology mandates that would require monitoring of websites.” The chamber-led coalition in support of the bill includes Walmart, Eli Lilly & Co. and Netflix.
Google and other opponents of the legislation argue that restricting the Internet in the U.S. sets a bad international precedent and that the language defines infringing too broadly.
#i think i am the only person in the world #and i mean only person in the entire damned world #who doesn't care about babies or pregnancy #and especially does not care about babies or pregnancy of people i'm not related to or don't know in person #i just...pregnancy and kids don't seem like a spectator sport to me #i get why people are fascinated by sex itself--but i just honestly don't comprehend why people are so fascinated by the ability of other humans to reproduce #maybe it's something to do with my absolute lack of a biological clock
(click the link for the full article)
Our novel Stranger has five viewpoint characters; one, Yuki Nakamura, is
gay and has a boyfriend. Yuki's romance, like the heterosexual ones in
the novel, involves nothing more explicit than kissing.
An agent from a major agency, one which represents a bestselling YA novel in the same genre as ours, called us.
The agent offered to sign us on the condition that we make the gay
character straight, or else remove his viewpoint and all references to
his sexual orientation.
This isn't about that specific agent; we'd gotten other rewrite requests before this one. Previous agents had also offered to take a second look if we did rewrites… including cutting the viewpoint of Yuki, the gay character.
It's time to stand up and demand change. Spread the word everywhere if you are just as angry and outraged by this.
- On the one hand: being a unique, special snowflake is cool and all, but honestly it would be nice to have someone who liked exactly the same things I did, in exactly the same ways. Being a minority of one all the time is annoying and lonely.
- On the other hand: I get upset and down about truly meaningless things.
- I should really just learn to create what I like for myself, and quit being lazy and always expecting it to be handed to me on a silver platter. (Except for being too empty-headed to ever create anything, and too lousy to create anything of quality even if I did somehow manage it.)
- Knowing how LJ-fail I am anymore, this'll end up being my only September post. Just watch. I'd bet money. :|
•Had a pipe from the kitchen down to the basement go bad and leak, resulting in the first time ever for making a homeowner's insurance claim. "Minor", but still resulted in weeks of repairs and contractors--plumber, carpenter, water damage treatment company, drywaller, painter, etc, multiple visits of each. And well, not the worst expense, but still expense.
•In amongst that, naturally was time to renew my driver's license and had to plate/pay sales taxes on the new(ish) car
•Had to deal with my aunt's, mother's, and stepmother's birthdays, am now about to my own. Not digging the whole nearly-38 thing.
•Did jury duty, actually got placed in a jury for a county criminal trial. Luckily, found out when it was time for deliberations that I was the alternate juror and could leave. The whole situation massively pushed all my anxiety buttons--I do not deal with new things well, nor with situations involving conflict/arguing. Also luckily, Omaha is 'one day-one trial', so once you do your day/trial (if it goes longer than a day, though mine didn't), your jury duty service is considered complete. So no spending days/weeks on it.
•Family member has gotten themselves into some trouble; nothing I can do for it but listen when my parents want to talk about it. It's not the end of the world, I'm sure they can work through it with some time. Just a strange and weird thing, the way people can fuck up.
•Still haven't gotten to show Sherlock (BBC) to the gals that come over on Saturdays. Stuff keeps coming up. GOING TO ASAP. Am going to demand it Saturday. (Have inflicted Stonehenge Apocalypse on one group of friends; eventually after Sherlock stuff, will make the gals watch it, too. Trolololol.)
•Health willing, as am dealing with a cold for the last few days.
•Over the years, have seen bits and pieces of Nine and Ten era Dr.Who--have downloaded damned near all of the five-so-far seasons, am currently up to s1ep5 of Nine. Enjoying the hell out of it. Need to watch more.
•Have not been raiding in WoW, just doing the new dailies/achievements. But have come to the decision--I'm going to faction switch Akseru from horde to alliance, to do casual raiding with the husband's guild. They seem okay people, stable and low drama, from what I've seen playing on an alt there. I don't like the look of alliance male characters though, so Ak will be changing from a male bloodelf to a female human. In my mental RPG for the character, it actually suits him and is oddly fitting. And it's still him, even when a her. Don't ask :p The husband has done a Figureprints statuette of what he previously looked like for my birthday, and now that that's shipped, will do the faction switch later today. I guess it's come down to that in my very first guild six years ago, I didn't know anyone--but every time since, every time, that I've joined a new guild, I've known RL and/or online friends already in said guild. At this point, I don't want to join somewhere I don't know anyone at all. So this works for me right now.
•PS I am looking forward to more Supernatural, and will be watching s7. I guess the extent of my fanning is just reblogging a bit of stuff on tumblr, and sometimes reading a short fic here or there. It's just sharing my attention with Sherlock, Dr.Who and even Community, and I'm more feeling part of the Sherlock fandom than anything else, atm--even if I've pretty much proven to myself with one poem that I can't write for it for crap :p But I do so love reading the fic. S/J fic yes yes yes ♥
•But seriously: Sherlock Sherlock Sherlock Sherlock Sherlock ♥ Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch can shake my boat any day.
•...is that everything? Am I caught up? o_O I think that's everything.
•Oh wait--very, very, very belated thanks to silverraven and cherie_morte for the vgifts. \o/♥ So sorry it took...a month and a half, ugh >_< for me to say something.
They sent you home a dead man
but forgot to put you in a box
so you'd know to stop moving
so you'd know to stop needing useless air
drawn in with keep calm-steady breaths.
They let you shuffle
like the living dead on those movies you watch
in the insomniac hours
before morning and after night;
but on three legs instead of two
you're no good
even as a zombie.
How fortunate you met the madman.
Mad genius, mad scientist
your Dr. Frankenstein
he fills you with a living man's blood
whenever he lets you stand near
injects you with adrenaline
with every word from his needle-sharp tongue.
His thoughts spark between your neurons
and he is your living Tesla coil
restarting your heart
with the lightning touch of his hand.
His gaze on you slams against your chest
like defibrillator paddles
shock jolting through your body
each time your eyes meet his;
when he speaks, you hear:
Rise up and walk. Rise up and run!
and, because it's him
You are in a room filled with
they're hiding within the lines
if you bother to read between them
hoping that you will make them
See them kneeling below your shadow
moth-dancing in your brilliant light
singing to you love and praises
just in case you care to
Today they weren't chosen to be
so they fill all the empty spaces
in your empty rooms
and keep waiting
(tomorrow they'll be special
if they keep waiting)
with you, amongst you
In the meantime. SHERLOCK SHERLOCK SHERLOCK. I can't begin to describe how freaking much in love with this show and characters I am these days, and it's damned near all I read. I have not abandoned the boys, I just...it's an *infatuation*, and just. *___* Anyway. In amongst fic reading, I saw a story that was 5 different AUs of how Sherlock and John could have met, and one scene was them as SPN style hunters. And I thought: GODDAMN I WANT A FULL FIC OF THAT. I whined, and hell if paxlux didn't take up the challenge. (My squishyyyyyyyy ♥)
thank the hatchet man who forked my tongue, paxlux, gen, PG-13, 8400 words
IT. IS. AWESOME. Awesome awesome awesome and I love it. *_____*
The only thing that bums me out about this fandom is that I just don't think I could write in it, not poetry and definitely not prose. Ugh, I wish I could fanpoem for this show, golly gee whillikers.
Not so awesome: got a notice in the mail for jury duty, my first summons ever. Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh.
Lunch out today with the mother and husband, the father and stepmother, and the brother and his fiancee. Was nifty.
Jeebus fuck, allergies.
Have been really, really remiss on responding to comments, even to those of you who've left recs (thank you, btw) D: Sorry D: D: Have been extraordinarily distracted (by reading, er >_> and by other things). I will get to replying soon, I swear.